Together for ever

Well today is fun, I’ve mentioned a few times recently that my hands are causing me a few problems, well today they have entered and entire world all of their own. Every evening lately they have been either sore or numb or if they feel like it both at the same time, but I knew where it was coming from, all my typing during the day. Hold on whole I explain as it isn’t quite what you might think. My figures have been feeling in numb and slightly enlarged causing a restrictive movement, to look at them they are OK. In the way I described the other week with regards to my feet, it is like they to are now wrapped in marshmallow, my nerves are somehow extending outside the real restriction of their real size and shape. The result of this is really annoying, I am hitting all the wrong keys. I touch type but when you are not sure were your fingers are, in relationship to each other or the keyboard, well to say the least the result is interesting and exhausting. I am retyping word, after word, after world, in an attempt to get it close enough to allow spell check to fix the muddle. When my fingers are moving there is no real sensation out of the normal, what they do is pot luck but well they don’t hurt, when I rest them, in flies the pins and needles and the tingles.

Last night they were actually puffed up after their day of more than double the normal amount of work they are used to. The muscles where shot, just throbbing and feeling enormous, I spent most of the time sat watching TV just messaging them, but they felt almost set, if that makes sense, as thought the muscles had stiffened into a place that although they still worked, somehow had become like soft wood. It isn’t just my fingers but also the palm of both hands, they were the first area to developed the solid sensation and the areas that seemed to demand the messaging. When I went to bed where usually I spend the first 10 to 15 minutes, with my legs and feet giving me hell, last night my hands did to. Usually I just have to relax the muscles slowly until they reach the point where sleep is possible, it is a system I have used for years and still works quite well, I had to do exactly the same for my hands.

I have now for years been unable to make a fist with my left hand but just now I can do it with neither. If it ended at my hands then fare enough but this morning it stretches through the muscles right up to my shoulder, just as my hands nothing until I let them rest and instant setting and a tingling numbness appears. My dexterity away from the keyboard is just as interesting and well tested, today is the day for the shopping to arrived. Keeping the individual items safe until they reach their storage space has been a challenge but I am slowly getting there. I was lucky today as it was the really nice delivery man that I see frequently, that frequently that I think he now knows when things are easy or difficult on that day. Usually the shopping is just left on the floor in the hall, but he took it upon himself to set all the fridge and freezer shopping and all the fruit on my kitchen counter. He knows me that well that he even left me a space on the counter, so I could sort out each bag, now that is service!

This is the first time that my symptoms are symmetrical, I am so used to everything being my left side, only or worst that I am really find it odd that it is fairly shared, both index and thumb are the ones that have gone stiff and numb and both outside two fingers are sharp nerves and tingles. Both are slowly over the days getting worse at the same rate as well. I notice yesterday evening that when ever I was on my feet that I was letting my arms just hang and move with my body as though they didn’t work at all. Just dangling was the most comfortably way, as guarding both just wasn’t possible. All the fun of having a nervous system that have given up having any systematic reasoning.


Last night I actually managed to stay up until 10 pm, it was the first time for weeks, I’m not sure what made the difference but I was really glad for once to not be running away and leaving Adam just sitting there by himself. The simplest things make you feel guilty when it is out of your control. No matter how I try those are the feelings that I have never managed to get under control, the guilt of not being able to have the life that you and your partner thought was ahead of us and now because of something you can’t do anything about, it has all gone. Once I had been through all the other emotions that having an illness like MS has attached to it, guilt is the one that even 11 years on from diagnosis still manages to pop up all the time. Not being able to work is the thing I feel most guilty about as we have lost a good standard of living to a limited one. If I was fit and healthy I would still be earning a good income and we wouldn’t worry constantly about the bills and the mortgage. I’m not saying it is a feeling that is there every second of the day but it is there and it is an unwanted pain in the neck.

Strangely my lungs were filled again this morning but the worst they have been yet, but when I stopped coughing I actually fell better than yesterday, and my MS knows it too. Spasms in my left shin and tingles in both hands. I hate tingles they are like mild pins and needles but they make you want to scratch but there is nothing that needs scratched, and it does nothing to help either. I remember for years telling my doctor that my whole body was itchy, he of course looked at my skin and there was nothing to see. I am sure it is little things like that that slow down diagnosis, once again it is the use of the English language and explaining to a medic using none medical terms what is wrong. It has been one of those annoying things that of course as it is caused by my nerves, no matter how much I wash or add cream, there is that nasty tingly itchy feeling, some days it is everywhere but it’s favorite location is my hands and my chest and the top of my back, sometimes it has been so bad that I have woken in the morning and I have dots of blood on the sheets where I have scratched through my skin. Although it is one of the minor symptoms on the scale of symptoms. it is probably the one that is just the most simply annoying!

I know that unless there is a sudden change that I am also going to have to start self catheterizing again, I just simply haven’t emptied my bladder for several days and that is a invitation to bladder infections. Some of the MS medics have told me several times that I should do it all the time at least 3 time a day, but I really don’t need to, like many things you learn what you need and how to manage it. I know that one day that will be the final result and possibly more than 3 times a day, but I don’t see the point of putting my body through something it doesn’t need. If it has the ability to do what it is meant to do, even for a short time longer I really believe that I should at the very least allow it to. I have said many times that getting to know your illness is really important and this is very much one of those occasions. The Medical professions do there best to set out schedules that are for everyone, but many illnesses don’t hold to the perfect written descriptions. It takes a few years to learn what your body does and doesn’t do, what will make it easier to live with and what aggravates it but ultimately it is you who knows it best, convincing doctors of that is often a different story. When it comes to medications then you have to be more careful about adjusting things yourself but there are many things that you can play around with and find out what works best for you.