Time to let go

This is going to be a day when nothing happens when it is meant to. At the minute the hall floor is covered in the shopping delivered by Asda about an hour ago, the rest of the house looks like a bomb has hit it as Adam is in the middle of getting it ready for Teressa and John being here tomorrow and a phone call a few minutes ago told me that Jake is on the way round to see me. I guess nothing is going to be completed the way I had it planned out for the day, nothing at all, not even this. I guess that it is always this way around Christmas as everyone in the world goes into hyper mode for little reason at all. I don’t get this leave everything to last minute although I have lived with it since the day I married Adam, he is usually not just last minute but a day behind, I on the other hand was the person who had every single part of Christmas covered, wrapped and ready to go, with just the food to complete like I have done today. Mind you with our new stripped back non Christmas it is actually rather wrong of me to put others down, if it hadn’t been for Teressa’s visit, it would have been just another day, today, tomorrow and every day of the holiday season. It looks that the wish of a white Christmas may just happen for some of us but not the nice cosy one as it is arriving in the form of a storm, I am just hoping that Teressa and John will get here without too many problems as the forecaster are already warning that some train journeys will be cancelled and when not cancelled, travelling at a really slow pace. Even when they have made it to Scotland and are in Balloch with her step brothers, they may not be able to get back and forward to Glasgow, I guess it is going to be a few days spent with out fingers crossed.

I trusted Adam with the bulk of the special food shopping on Saturday, I gave him the name of the two desserts I wanted him to buy and then no list just a description of the other things I wanted. Our Christmas special foods come curtsy of NPower, they sent me a voucher for £20, I can’t remember what it was for but I think it had something to do with one of the occasions that they had their knuckles wrapped for misleading their customers. I at first thought it would be of little use as it was for stores we wouldn’t normally use, then suddenly I noted there was a food store on the list of those happy to take them and suddenly Christmas was covered. When Adam arrived home with the bags of shopping I was delighted to find that it was exactly what I would have bought myself, in the past it has been a case of not quite the right thing, so I was really pleasantly surprised, to the extent I would be happy to trust him next time and not sitting in dread waiting to see what the shopping bags held.I don’t know what it is about trusting people to shop for me, but I have always had a problem trusting anyone, it’s almost as though I have this barrier that says this won’t work and I stand forcibly in the middle of it, with dread on my right side and disappointed on my left.

My hands are really playing up today, they haven’t been right since Saturday, it’s often that way, you upset something and then it refuses to return to normal straight away. Either there is what I call a shadow, like a lessened form that lingers without true pain starting again, or it is full out anger that will destroy you before it just vanishes, luckily it is just a shadow, but still annoying. I haven’t’ used the braces that I used when my hand was totally dead but I keep getting this feeling that I should be trying to find them and putting them through the wash, just in case they are needed. I don’t have too many of those sort of aids in the house as luckily I haven’t needed them, but once used you never through them out as they are not cheep. All the aids, apart from my wheelchair, that the NHS have given me have been replaced quickly with ones I have bought on line. The NHS offers are not just horrid to look at, but I have found are also useless, all their braces make your hands sweat terribly as they are made of some sort of spongy plastic material, the ones I bought are made of a strong material that breaths. Not only do they do the job better, they look better as well, simple black material rather than their strange attempt to make them flesh coloured, base on the colour of a Barbie doll I think, as I have never seen a human that shade. I may be reading the feeling in my arm and I may not need them at all, but I realised that like many other things I have, I don’t have the slightest idea where they are.

I have also been thinking about clearing out my wardrobe and draw units in the bedroom, they are all full the limit with clothes that I will never again be able to wear, as most are either size 10 or 12, I won’t get there again. There are also all sort of bits and pieces that I have squirrelled away over the years we have lived here, again of no use to anyone, I know all to well if I clear it out I will probably be throwing away more than half of what is there. I also know someone who would love to have a couple more draws, as he could fill the entire house with stuff he never wears, but Adam just loves having clothes there for the sometime never. It isn’t only the bedroom, I know I have more stuff that could simply go or be sold on Ebay, the space and money both being very welcome. I am not sure how I will do it or how long it will take me to make a difference but I just feel that I need to have a clean out and also make that long over due, cut from the outside world. It is something I have been thinking about for a really long time now. I can’t really explain it, but I actually now feel ready to put a line through that part of my life and take away the last piece that is holding on to me. Maybe as I do it or after it is done I will be able to put it into words that will explain it all, all I can say at the minute is I need and want to remove what is in some ways a weight hanging round my neck, the weight that represents a freedom long gone.