I suspect we all have a narrative to our lives, either that or I am totally insane as I know there is this voice in my head always working away telling me what I need to do, how to do it and when, it chatters away just the same way as it chatters to you right here. Every night when I am waiting to fall asleep I lie there on my back feeling my body vanishing bit by bit into sleep, something I don’t actually remember being aware of so acutely of until recent years. I can literally feel muscles and limbs vanishing out of pain, into silence and on into sleep, which at times is really strange as I find myself with no arms or legs but with very awake and painful feet and hands. Almost every night I find myself writing the greatest posts knowing that by morning I will have forgotten them entirely and wishing someone would invent a recording machine that I could link directly into my brain, then each morning I would just type it up, but no such luck.
I wasn’t aware last night of being any more tired than normal but as I stood up to head off to bed I started to yawn, not those nice little ones, but those where you believe that you jaw will split as you just can’t open your mouth any further, although something inside is demanded it does. When I remember I always try to rise slowly from the settee, concentrating mainly on not letting my knees lock, if I forget I land up with every leg muscle cramping and unable to move for a short time. The shock passes right through me, turning in to almost a shiver as it reached my spine, I was so set on not letting that happen that the yawn totally took me by surprise, the second was almost as bad. As I walked into the kitchen to put my glass by the sink, I took my third huge yawn and felt not just my jaw, but my ribs, stretching too there limits regardless of the demands of whatever triggering them. That yawn though was the one that got me, the strain on my lungs actually started to cause me pain, I could feel the 4inch band through my body which was already tight, fight back by turning solid. I really didn’t expect that, but I don’t remember when I did last yawn like, try as I might there is no memory what so ever, almost as thought I haven’t yawned deeply for years. I took control of my breathing making sure it was slower and steady, which worked well in cutting the pain and by the time I was leaving the bathroom I was beginning to feel I was once more in control. Adam had appeared in his normal hovering spot in the hall, waiting to escort me to bed, most nights he will come with me thought to the bedroom and wait around almost as though he is ready to catch me as I take of my clothes off and sit on the side of the bed. It is probably more me than him, but some nights I honestly believe that I feel him relax once he knows I am sitting with no where left to fall.
Last night as I swung my legs up onto the mattress and slipped my toes under the duvet that Adam was holding ready to cover me, rather than my battling with it myself, I made a really stupid mistake. As I was putting my feet under the duvet I locked my knees which locked up all my muscles in my legs, it was hard not to make a squeal of recognition to what had happened, but I stayed quiet as I know he would have then wanted to try and help, when all the help I needed was to stay still. By the time he had tucked my under the covers and kissed me goodnight I was actually in rather a mess, baring in mind all this took less than 10 minute. What should have been a gentle wonder around before just lying down and sleeping, had turning in to anything but, my lungs as soon as they spotted the horizontal position started to go solid again and my legs didn’t want to let go and just sleep. All I could do was to try my best to relax and to distract myself away from everything that had happened, not yawn again and just to settle myself in to sleep.
I have to sleep on my back these days as it is the only position that will allow me to fall asleep, if I try to lie on my sides instead of the pain vanishing it actually increases, the last time I actually managed it I woke early in so much pain up the side I had slept on that I swore I would never do it again. At first it was my lungs that made me lie on my back, I guess that that was about a year ago now, in the past I fell asleep on my side but rolled over to my back once asleep, now I lie there as motionless as possible and sleep pulls me away quite quickly. I lay last night with my head filled with version one of my post, then version two and yes even version three, I couldn’t sleep thanks to the damage or what ever happened to my lungs just by yawning, if I could I would now note that down as a don’t do thing, but I don’t think you have a choice. Yes I did eventually fall asleep, it actually didn’t really take that long and before you ask why didn’t I take one of my knew get rid of pain pills, well I don’t want to take them for silly things like this. They are for the pain that happens with out a known catalyst, the pain that blinds and makes life unbearable, not the pain that I already knew would settle, it was just a matter of working my way through it.
I guessed long ago that life wasn’t meant to be easy, but I didn’t realise that instead of things getting easier as most things that you learn, they actually get more difficult. Going to bed should be one of the easiest things you do each day, you know, you just walk into the room, fall on the mattress, grab the duvet and that’s that. It took until a couple of years ago for me to realise that I had the whole thing upside down, everything gets harder no matter what you know or don’t know.