You got’a laugh

Teressa phoned last night, it’s always good to hear from my daughter, but what she told me, didn’t really sink in until much later. She too is on her way to see a doctor today, with regards to a mole. Oddly, I suppose, because I told her about mine first, I didn’t realise she was calling possibly looking for a bit of reassurance from her Mum. Even odder, I think I gave it to her without realising at the time. Despite the fact that we have spent the majority of her life with millions of miles between us, we have always had a really good relationship. I would say that we have a great combination off all the things that make people belong together. We are so alike in personality, both caring, both sarcastic and both quick witted, not just in the comical sense, but in what is really going on around us, and we both share a raft of interests. So after giving her my good news about my mole, when she mentioned hers, I didn’t even consider that she might really be worried about it. I did what I always do and what she does too, made light of it, talked about it, but also quickly turned it into a joke and something of no real importance. Her one is in her armpit, and when she said that she didn’t think it was going to turn out anything serious because, she “didn’t walk around throwing my arms in the air, so the sun could get to my armpits.” I just answered, “Well, I don’t know Teressa, you do do some pretty odd things” we both just laughed, her, far louder than me. We talked for about half an hour and ended our call with her still laughing after one of our usual put the world right in comedy chats. I may not have picked up on her fear, but I still did the right thing, I made her feel good.

I know better than many, that people reaction to health varies wildly. But I don’t care what anyone says, even if your doctor has just given you a death sentence, laughter, is almost always the best reply to what life has dealt out. I have never been able to get my head around this attitude, that the scary things in life have to be spoken about in whispers. Whisper it, shout it or laugh about it, it won’t change what is happening, but it could just change how you feel about it. I have told the story of my reaction to my diagnosis often enough, but I have also read and heard first hand the reactions of many, many very different people. From what I have seen, those who then go on to handle their health the best, are the ones who have quickly and I do mean within days, taken an upbeat reaction to it. For me, it was a natural reaction, not one that I had to think about, or even make a conscious thought through reaction to. Life had taught me that wallowing is a negative reaction and only pulls you even further down. I personally, though, hate those people who tell you, “You have to stay positive”, yes, you do, but unless you know how to do that, it is as useless a thing to say, as “They will find a cure soon”, to a cancer sufferer, with six months to live.

If you think about it, the people who are raved about as being great nurses and doctors, are usually, yes, good at their jobs, but they also radiate a positive aura. They smile, they joke and they are the ones who patients sit up in their beds and beam when they see them walking towards them. What makes them great, is the fact that they make people feel good, not better medically, but better mentally. I honestly believe, that even if your not a naturally positive person, or you haven’t learnt it values through trauma, you can learn it from those around you. Surround someone in misery, and they will become miserable, surround them in happiness and they will equally become happy. Even if you are a miserable git, like it or not, if you want to survive your chronic illness for as long as possible and with as good a life throughout as possible, you have to surround yourself with happiness and laughter. Sorry if you cringe at the very idea, but it is the only way. On the good side for you misery guts, is it doesn’t have to come from people, it can come from your environment and how you spend your time. It’s about having a positive impact on your life, not anyone else’s, as happiness is personal, if it’s good for you, then it’s good for your health.

Just as much as I recommend, that everyone checks their posture multiple times throughout the day and release any tension within their muscles that they find. I equally recommend that you check your mood as well. Good posture and removed tensions, can without a doubt, reduce overall pain levels. If you don’t believe me try it. it works. So does mood checking. It doesn’t take long and it isn’t difficult, it’s as simple as just asking yourself “am I happy?” I don’t mean in the regard to life, although I do recommend doing that every six months to a year, and do so seriously. I have had to change my life totally several times because of an “NO” answer to that one. This though is a much gentler and more immediate question. “Am I happy at this minute”. Your brain will answer more honestly than you expect, mine has even thrown tears at me, when I thought things were fine. We all have our own way of giving ourselves a boost, from a piece of chocolate, a few exercises to get the blood flowing, or even a cigarette and a few minutes just to gather your thoughts. If you work on checking and lifting your mood throughout the day before it slides down into a spiral, you can improve your whole day. Like everything else, the more you practise this, the better things get and it becomes an almost automatic thing to do because you are more self-aware. Although it might sound odd at first, it also plays a role in those pain levels, but it’s logical when you really think about it. It is a fact, the exact same pain never feels as bad when you are mentally up, as it does when you’re in the pits.

No matter what we do, we can’t be happy and smiling all the time. Life has it’s ups and downs, that is just the way it is. But we can make a huge difference ourselves, and it’s well worth the effort. If you thought that the day you gave up work because of your health, that the work was over, you’re wrong. Remove the normal routine and structure to life, and the work just gets harder. We can’t rely now on the people around us to notice if we are a little down, they aren’t around us any longer. Neither are they there to make us laugh occasionally, or to fetch us a coffee to give us a boost, we have to do it all ourselves. We might be alone, but the fact is we have to be every single one of those people, who we no longer see. How we do that, takes an array of tricks. Most we have to learn for ourselves, as being individual, what makes life right for us, might not be what is right for another. Some though are basic. We all need to have goals and we all need to achieve, and we need to do it daily, something else, that work supplied that is now gone. Hobbies help, but as I found, my health made all mine impossible. Goals though can be as simple as having a bath or plucking your eyebrows, whatever is needed, or will help to make you happy. Finish that book, clean your jewellery, polish your shoes, write a book, it’s up to you. Outside the medical solutions to our health, nearly all of it comes down to just one thing, being happy. Even those exercises to help reduce your pain, ultimately that is about happiness, as less pain always makes anyone happier.

Call it happiness, or being positive, what all of it is doing is letting us live with the most horrendous thing that can happen to anyone, being told that our health is in the midst of destroying everything, we have ever known, or had planned for the future. The world will never be the same again, fact, accept it, and build yourself a new life. This is our chance to build a life that will take us to our last breath, so it has to work and we have to be happy. It cost none of us anything to try and make the most out of what we have. Ask yourself, do you want a life of misery and pain, or, do you want a life of happiness? I don’t think it should be a question that anyone should even have to ask. It is also a fact, that all of us have the tools to do so, we all have a brain, it just needs training.

Please read my blog from 2 years ago today – 20/10/2013 – Drifting through happiness

There is something wonderful about a Sunday morning, especially when it is cold and there is a feeling of winter in the air. I have always loved that feeling when you keep the curtains closed and the fire is lit adding….

So far, so good

I really didn’t think that I would even get the chance to start writing today, but finding myself up and awake at 5:30 am, thanks to Adams snoring exceptionally loudly, here I am. Actually, it’s not fair to put all the blame on him, yes, he woke me, but my stomach was telling me that I needed the loo, so even if I had managed to shut him up, I still wouldn’t have been able to sleep. In other ways as well I am glad for that earlier start, although I doubt I will be saying that by this afternoon. It is just touching 8 am and I have shoved through everything I would normally do for twitter and managed to get myself ready, so whenever that Ambulance arrives, all I need is my coat. It’s really odd sitting here knowing that I have my makeup on and my hair done, and not just my normal bed head design that prevails at this time of day. I feel like a different person. The entirety of this post is going to have to be done in bits, as I grab a few minutes in between the final touches required before we go, and of course, dependent on when that is, and when we get home again. I just hope it won’t be too bitty.

Something really odd happened last night, not with my health for once, but with my hands. I have been wearing rings on nearly all my fingers for most of my adult life, but the center finger on my right hand had four completely stuck on it. The last one to go on was actually a stupid thing for me to have done. I knew before I even shoved it onto my finger that it was going to be a tight fit, but I have for some reason got rather large knuckles, which means that the even if a ring is too tight to pass over, it will still spin around annoyingly once on. When I pushed it on to my hand, I did so as a way of keeping the other three still. At first it wasn’t a problem, I could pull it off with difficulty, but it did shift. Then I gained weight, need I say more. For at the least, it has been there for 9 years, but possibly longer. I don’t think I have lost weight suddenly, but for over a week I had noticed that my other rings were spinning more freely, so I grasped it and pulled, why it came off I don’t know, but off it is. I know this is a dipsy suggestion, but, could the fact I am using my wheelchair mean that my fingers are losing weight, if not the rest of me? It’s just an idea, but it’s the only one I can think of. I haven’t seen them for years, but I am sure they will be online somewhere, but I really need to buy some ring guards. They act like a spring fitting and let the ring pass over my knuckle then jump tight, holding the ring the right way around.

10 am. I really didn’t expect this, but we are home! Hospital visit complete and without the slightest hitch, if only it was always like that. We arrived at the hospital and were seen within 10 minutes of the ambulance drawing up. The doctor was really nice. She looked not just at the one I was worried about, but several others that are on my back and one that is on my chest. Apparently, I have Atypical moles. So I was right to be concerned about it, but in this case, there is absolutely nothing to worry about. She thinks that what has happened is that it had a slightly raised edge, and that edge was caught on something and been literally lifted it off my skin. Which made no sense to me at all, as I never wear a bra or tight clothes. I am also very careful about how I scratch my back, I have in the past caught moles with my nails. The more I think about it, the more I think I have the answer. Like most people, when I first lie down at night, I shift myself side to side until I am comfy. I am guessing, that that side to side shifting has been slowly lifting it off my back. Neither Adam or I thought about it at the time, but I have been left with the concern that it is actually going to continue separating itself. I have the horrific idea that one day I will wake to find it left on the bed behind me. She did say that because my moles are Atypical, as in they have raised sections and lumps in them, that we need to keep an eye on them for any changes. The fact that I don’t go outside isn’t enough, unfortunately, it is another one of those age things. At this second, we have nothing to worry about.

I couldn’t believe how smoothly the whole thing went, not even the stair-climber was as violent as usual. We were down and back up in a fraction of the usual time and I didn’t feel sick, not even for a few seconds. I know that it was only luck, but when we returned to the room where you wait for your transport home, the crew that brought us there, were still sitting chatting to the receptionist. They were waiting for a patient to come down from one of the wards. One quick call to their base and we were also on their list to take home. I had been so prepared for the fact that we would be sat there for hours, that I was sure that any second they were going to get a call back saying they couldn’t take us on the that run for some odd reason. But, no, we were off and home within minutes, if only it could always be like that. Fingers crossed, our next trip at in November will be just as smooth.

Over the last couple of weeks, I know that there have been quite a few people concerned about me due to this blog. Firstly, please don’t worry. What I have been writing in here is my inner self, my gut reactions if you like to life. I am very aware that lately my writing has been on the dark side, this doesn’t mean I am slipping into depression. When you have led a life like mine, there is a lot of darkness boxed all over the place. In normally work on them privately, but as this one is 100% about my health, it felt right to put it here. After all, the whole point of my blog is for the absolute truth of what chronic illness does to someone. It doesn’t matter what condition you have, the physical effects of them, is less than half the story. There are so many emotions that go with it, and I hope that they have all been shown. It is one of the reasons that I began to write this. You can search as much as you like, but nearly all information available about chronic illness is about the symptoms. Even then, the majority of them only tell you the basics of them. I wanted to know how they felt, what they did to your life, the true impact, not just their names. If you read back to the beginning, you will find spells like this showing up throughout. This one, though, I admit, is deeper and darker, but the phase I am moving into is the darkest I have ever had to face. Without a doubt, one of the dangers of chronic illness is depression. I have always believed that the fact I am so aware of the dangers, having had it in the past, that I should be able to control it. I don’t doubt there will be spells of it as things progress. The idea that I can go from where I am, to my final destination without it, would be ridiculous. I doubt being bedbound, will be a bed of roses.

I have made a point of always working through whatever my brain decides has to be faced. The worst thing I believe that anyone can do with anything, is box it and nail it down, that is the start of all danger zones. Yes, I do box things, we all have to, but I never put any nails in anything. My mind is free to demand that I deal with anything whenever it wants, just as it did the other day with that unwanted image. I also make space most days to deal with those thoughts I packed away for when I had time, I make that time. It’s a couple of years ago now, but I spent several months, just going back over my life and dealing with all the anger, I had inside towards people who had hurt me. I am not the sort of person who finds it possible to hate, no matter what anyone has done to me, I just can’t do it. I can, though, get angry and I had to get rid of it, that’s just what I did. I even forgave them all while I was at it. For me, it was the best thing I have ever done, that didn’t require either money or activity, and I would recommend it to everyone. Peace of mind is a precious thing. Dealing with all that ancient junk, also somehow how, helped me adjust into my new life of being unemployed and housebound.

I have gone from independent to being in need of total support, including life support. Without my wheelchair to get me around, well I would need 24/7 care and too close to bedbound for my liking. Without my nebulizer and my other inhalers, which all have to be used at least twice a day, I would find breath harder than anyone wants. Without being able to breath, well, we all know the answer to that. Mentally, it is actually a bigger adjustment than any of the physical stuff that goes with it. It is both easy and stupid to say, just get on with it, what is the big deal. My first time round using my wheelchair years ago to get around outside and in the office was a get on with it type of situation. I could deal with it with ease, as I saw it as no more than jumping in a taxi, to get me from one end of time to the other. I got in my wheelchair to get me from one end of the building to the other. But in small spaces, or at home, I was still able to walk as my problem then was fatigue. This time is different. This time, I don’t have legs any longer that can hold me up, they collapse, disappear and leave me stranded. This time, I am no longer a complete and normal person to look at, no matter who sees me now, they will see someone in a wheelchair. That is me, that is my new normal and that is a huge mental shift, and all of that has to be in here.

I know it is painful and heavy going for some to read, but I hope one day that someone like me will be able to read it and say, “I too can get through this”, that is the point. Right now, I believe that I am stepping through all of this quite well. I have thought several times, this it, I am there and I am myself again, then my brain disagrees and bang, I’m back walking through a forest, where every tree has thorns. It’s up to my brain, not me what you’ll find on these pages, every day is an unknown adventure when these pages are opened, not just for you, but for me as well.

Please read my blog from 2 years ago today – 19/10/2013 – Finding hope

I have always had the misconception that life was actually meant to be simple, I don’t know who told me that or why I have managed to got it so wrong, but still to this day I have a small section of my mind that won’t let go of that wonderful but oh so wrong…..

A change too far

The last thing I needed yesterday was to burn my hand, but that is exactly what I did. Adam had been home from work and had offered several times to get me some lunch, but I said that I was fine. It couldn’t have been more than half an hour after he left that I suddenly had this mad idea that I wanted an omelette for lunch. Since I made the decision that the wheelchair was my next move I have found myself doing daft things. All the sort of thing that once I am in it, I won’t be able to do alone, or without getting out of it, which would totally undo my reasons for it in the first place. So there I was happily beating eggs and warming the frying pan, thinking as always what could possibly go wrong, there is nothing simpler than an omelette. It went wrong when I lifted the pan to put my omelette on the plate and it slipped in my not so good grasp. Instinct works faster than logic and swiftly shifted my other hand into a position that meant lunch wasn’t on the floor and burnt the whole side of my index finger on my left hand. I have spent so many years with my hands being covered in equally stupid burns that at first I ignored it while I ate my lunch. I know it should have been the cold water first, but I didn’t want a cold omelette. I ran it under the tap, but the pain was screaming at me and I knew I had to do something else. It was then that I found a new and creative use for a Psyllium pancake. It needed defrosting and lying over my finger seemed like an excellent new way to do it. Well, it helped with the pain and it also defrosted it perfectly.

I have known for a long time that things like cooking are a danger zone, but like so many other things in life, I just can’t totally give up on them. This thing with the wheelchair has put me further into the danger zone, it’s almost like I have to prove to myself in as many painful ways as possible that my decision is the right one. This is the second stupid cooking decision I have made in just a couple of days. The other one didn’t leave me scarred, it just left me with arms so knackered that they were of little use for the rest of the day. Apart from for the Psyllium tests and pancakes, I haven’t done any cooking for well over 2 years, yet suddenly here I am trying to do what I can’t. I am surprised that I haven’t decided to spring clean the house, that’s something I haven’t done for about 9 years. Why did I even think of that? There’s no way I am even going to try that one, I’m not that deluded. I didn’t just burn myself, I also came up with a question that has been racing around my head ever since. Why do scrambled eggs and omelettes taste so different when they are the almost identical in ingredients and cooking? Apart from the slight carbonising process of making the omelette golden on one side I can’t come up with one. Any answers? If only it was the real question, I know all too well it was nothing but a distraction, a good one, but just a distraction.

I have a list of things that I need to do here in the house, things that are the true tasks ahead of me that will get everything running. I have bought all the things that I need, all I need is for them to arrive and to do the biggest job, for those kitchen cupboards to be sorted out. It’s not even a big task, all I have to do is sort out and empty one, so Adam can move stuff over then I can put everything I want in the position I want them in, in the first one. I just can’t seem to get started on them. It’s like if I don’t do it, I can’t move on and moving on is what I am avoiding. I don’t know why this has hit me at this point in my illness, maybe because for the first time I can’t compensate for it. It’s a fact, a great big unchangeable fact and not one that I can paint pretty colours or turn into something it isn’t. I have lived happily inside my cocoon with nothing changing, nothing being anything other than it has always been within this place. Everything my health has brought until now, belong outside of my cocoon, this one is inside it and it’s changing it and the worst of it is, this is just the start.

I realised a long time ago that if you are going to stay out of the overpowering world of depression, that you can’t ignore anything that is persistently upsetting you. If you find yourself hurting, in tears or just wanting to cry, then there is something that has to be dealt with and dealt with properly. Yes, I know we all have odd days when our emotions are just closer to the surface than other, it’s not those I am talking about, this is pain deep inside of you and it has to be understood worked through and never hidden or buried. The most dangerous advice I have ever heard was “to brush yourself down, put on a smile and get on with it.” It may work with physical pain, but not with emotional pain. Do that and you are asking for trouble in the future. As I said yesterday, this though is different from any other phase or spell of adjustment that I have gone through, but I knew I would face it one day, just not now. I thought when this time came that I had to let my home be violated by my health, that I would breeze my way through it just as I have done with all the rest of it. That the point that I would find myself overpowered by my health would probably be when the day came that I had to face my home being physically changed for my health. When rails appeared where to me they would be nothing but an eyesore or furniture had to be moved or removed, changing all my careful planning of their design and appearance. Yet, here I am feeling useless and devastated, by such small changes. You would think someone had told me that I was going to die in six months instead of the expected now 8 years, not that I had simply moved into a long expected phase of that process.

Dealing with your emotions and reactions is as proactive as dealing with anything physical, in some ways, it is more important. So I sat yesterday for a while in the two rooms where having my nebulizer in would make the most sense. I normally take my meds in the kitchen, but to have it in there would mean without a doubt it would eventually land up on the counter all the time. I need to be able to use it when I am on my own, so getting it in and out of cupboards, isn’t practical. It has to be close to a socket and not somewhere where I have to climb over or move furniture just to plug it in. Oddly, to some people, but not me, most sockets in our house are totally hidden, despite the fact I spent a fortune changing them all to brass or steel so that they blended in better with the rooms décor and of course, they all matched with the light switches that I changed as well. All the sockets are hidden behind furniture, totally hidden and perfect, it works for me. In some ways, that is a great example of how right things have to be, for me to be happy. Not being able to see a single one of them, isn’t an excuse for them to be horrid white plastic. Everything, seen or not has to be perfect, otherwise it hurts me. I have seen already  and watched enough of our once perfect home fall apart without any more joining the bedlam. Unfortunately, the best thing I can do with the nebulizer is to sort of hide it. It can sit down the side of the main settee and then plugged into an extension cable. Wheelchair or not, I can get to it there and use it aided or not, but anyone coming into the room wouldn’t be able to see it. Unlike Adams idea of putting it under the coffee table, where it would be visible to all, especially me. No, Adam doesn’t get it either and he’s lived with me for over 17 years now.

For my mind to be at ease with what is happening has to partly be the obvious things of adjusting to the new, accepting the change and the truth of what it all means, but it also has to maintain what is the core of me. I have already lost nearly all of the visible person I once was, but I am not going to let go of the invisible person, the one who still exists inside, just hidden by my out of control health.

Please read my blog from 2 years ago – 10/09/2013 – Second class care

I woke yesterday in pain and the pain continued through out the day, by the time it was evening and I had permissions to actually go to my bed and stay there, I really didn’t know how to sit any longer. All the pain was from round the lower edge of my ribcage, worse on the…..

Searching for happiness

The last few days have been just a little odd. I have been somewhat lost when it comes to holding onto reality, but I have quite clearly been brighter and more alive than I have been for a while. The two things don’t really belong together, but that’s chronic illness for you, illogical and odd beyond anything you ever imagined before you are actually living with it. Adam noticed the change a couple of days ago if I’m honest, I felt it starting a couple of days before, but it took time to build until it was obvious. I don’t get many of these bright and almost bouncy spells. They are a glimpse of the person I used to be. The person who in their thirties still did things like leapfrog over the bollards on Sauchiehall street in the middle of the shoppers on a Saturday afternoon. She was a person that I really liked, not lacking in energy, either physical or mental, not afraid to do silly things and living just to be happy. I know I was lucky, I know that not many people have that chance of a second life, but I did and I didn’t waste it. Sometimes I think that it was life telling me to make the most of it as it was all going to vanish all too soon. At the time I thought it was life making things right for the mess that my first life was. Either way, from 28 to 40 where the best years of my life and I lived them, every second of them.

I often find myself sitting here with a silly smile on my face as some odd memory that has jumped into my head from nowhere. I smile because I can remember the happiness of those days, the almost endless fun and surprised that were hidden in most days, spontaneity was my life and I loved it. That doesn’t mean I’m not happy now, it just means I’m lucky to have a brain that gives me gifts from my past even though that gift, will mean I don’t remember what I was doing before it appeared. Memory can be both a joy and a total pain in the neck at exactly the same time. I don’t have the energy these days to walk a tenth of the length of Sauchiehall Street, far less leapfrog over one bollard, but I am just as happy today as I was then. How I feel and how I appear don’t always match and that is mainly down to energy. It is almost impossible to be cracking jokes, be sarcastic or even show spontaneity when all you want to do is sleep, or your mind is so fogged that you can’t see the next word. Appearances can be totally false.

I know that I am not alone in being quite content with their lives despite what has happened to it. Despite large doses of self-analysis, I have failed over and over to work out what it is about me that lets me be happy with my life as it is. There is nothing that I would like more than to be able to write some kind of self-help manual that could transform others lives so they to could be housebound or even just chronically ill and happy. The reality I have had to accept is that it has far more to do with personality and upbringing than anything else. I am an accepting person. I was brought up to do, not question what I was given. I learned quickly to accept where I am or what was happening and just get on with it. The only time that I went against that was when I broke free of my first marriage. There were moments of happiness, but so few that it just wasn’t not enough. I had accepted far more than I could take from that situation. But beyond what I was taught, is me, my personality. Where I am now, actually feels like a version of spontaneity, just as quickly as I would go off on a tangent because it seemed like fun, I can also see things as a tangent on life, so why shouldn’t that be fun too. I am here, a fact written in stone that no one can change. If it can’t be changed, then accept it and make the most of it. It may sound simplistic, but often the simplest things are the things that work.

Those who have been reading for a while will know that I didn’t accept without a period of fighting against it. That was another of my personality traits, pig-headedness. It is also a trait that can work for me as well. Without it, I would have given up long ago, what is the point in fighting something that you can’t beat. The point is, you just might this time. A run of small wins is enough to lift anyone’s spirits. In this past week, I lost and won back a hand, I started to actually go to the loo and I have defeated the monster of a new website that seemed to have it’s instructions buried in an MS Fog. Small wins, enough to lift me and enough to add that spark of brightness to my inside and outside self. Happiness can come from the strangest places, but it’s still there. Life didn’t end when my front door closed behind me for that last time, it just changed. I can still laugh at myself, even on my worst days there are points that are funny and fun may not come in wild antics now, but it’s still there, just smaller and more controlled. I am still here, unfortunately not smaller, more sort of rounder, not just in shape but in more rounded as a person. There is still so much ahead of me to learn and explore. My physical world is limited to just two rooms plus utilities but it bigger in the range of things I need to know and will need in the future.

I believe that you, me and everyone can be happy. It’s a matter of taking your life, your world as it is and accepting, then if it needs to change, well change it. If you can’t find any happiness in where you are, why should you find it somewhere else? Without accepting what is yours, what is unchangeable, you can’t move anywhere or make anything better. It takes time, lots of time, but well we have loads of it, but if you are determined to keep living, determined to be happy, you will be. But nothing will change if your heart isn’t in it and if you don’t really try.

Please read my blog from 2 years ago – 25/07/2013 – Is there a way out

Sometimes I find myself with so many words inside me that I can’t see past them, through them or even around them, my head spins as I try to find out just what it is these dammed words are actually trying to tell me, or is it trying to tell you. After all it is the reader that words are really for, rather than…..

Just three things

It’s Friday, so it’s college day for Adam and the first of three days that I sleep until 8:30 and it has totally thrown me. I guess this is something that I am slowly going to get used to. It’s just I don’t really know what I am supposed to be doing. It was 9:20 before I even took my morning meds, my body and brain arguing with me all the way. I know I will never understand how I can sleep for 11:30 hours without even being aware of a second of it passing, but if my body didn’t need it, it wouldn’t sleep it.

I managed yesterday to finish off setting up my new site, so from today, I am going to be running them in tandem and will do so at least until I have managed to email everyone on my subscriber list. It’s not going to be a one-day process that is for sure. I don’t know what is wrong with it, but Chrome isn’t happy this morning, it keeps flickering and it is putting a high load onto my PC. I am slowly closing down each site I have open to see if it is one of them, if not then I know it is Chrome itself and I haven’t a clue how to fix it if that is the issue. It is beginning to look as at least a part of today is going to be spent on long annoying searches on Google, as this load issue isn’t good for my PC.

Adam and I have been watching a program on Channel 4 over the last few weeks called “humans”. It is set in the future where human-looking robots are common place. In fact, most of the world are unemployed because of them. It sparked a conversation last night about human attachment to machines and if we would really behave the way it is depicted in the program. I think the show is spot on, people are already emotionally connected to their cars, giving them names and often talking to them. I give cars as an example, but I have know people who have named almost everything in their home from the washing machine to their TV and none of them look human in any way. Although I haven’t given it a name, I know for a fact that I am emotionally attached to my PC. It could be because it is my link to life, but I believe it goes a bit deeper than that. I bought it as a combination of several things, starting with its power to carry out all my tasks for work, whilst being connected to three machines in my office at the same time. But to me it was the ultimate machine available at the time and I could justify the cost. Behind it all though was I the fact that I feel in love with it at first sight. She is a she and arrived with the name Aurora, so I didn’t need to name her, but I have never actually used that name. As for talking to her, I do it all the time. Should anything happen to her, I know without a doubt that I would fall to bits as that was exactly what I did when her hard drive had to be replaced. I haven’t gone as far as taking her out for lunch, but if we were both mobile, both looked as though we were both human, well I might. That is with something that can’t even talk back, our emotional attachment to something that did, would be much higher.

It made me realise just how few things there are in my life now. By that, I mean things that without I don’t know exactly what I would do. Adam, of course, doesn’t come into this, as he is already a fully formed walking talking human. My PC comes top of my list, as I said she is my link to life and the majority of my waking hours are spent sat here with her. That was a no brainer. Next my bed, it is actually the place I now spend the majority of my life, so incredibly important as is the third on my list, the TV. There is the world, I have this huge drive to know what is happening out there. If I were to lose the 24-hour news, I would be lost. I now watch more than 4 hours news every day. Listening to the same stories being told by the same people several times as the hours pass. Waiting for a major story to break as I couldn’t bear the idea that I had missed something. My attachment to it has become obsessive, but I need to know as there is no other way that I will know. I don’t have those work colleges who read newspapers and chatter all the time about what is happening in the world. My connection is the one eyed box in the corner of my room. It also brings me education. I love to learn, to find out new things and with millions of documentaries available all the time, I have learning at my fingertips. God bless the BBC, Nat Geo and Discovery, Yesterday and History. Yes, I do watch other channels occasionally but those are my main ones.

Three items, that’s it. Three items that without I would be miserable. Everything else that fills our house is beautiful and if I had a choice I wouldn’t want to be without, but those three are essential. It’s amazing how little we really need and how much other stuff that we collect because we like it, we don’t need any of it. Like it or not, I am emotionally attached to the majority of the things that fill our home. Break any of my crystal and I would cry, break my PC, my bed or my TV and it would break my heart. If each of us were totally honest, I am reasonably sure that everyone out there could bring down everything they own to just a handful of essential items, the rest is all about want. It’s one of the things about being housebound, your life is lived under a microscope. Everything is brought down in size, our wants, needs and desires are concentrated as the options have become concentrated as well. A lot of people have challenged me over the years about my twitter name, Ltd_to_two. When I explain it is a nod to my blog title, “Two rooms plus utilities” and my writing name of “Living in a limited world”, they always tell me that I am not limited. They say things like “you have your PC and your mind and are more attached to life than many who are not housebound”. They might be right in some ways, but in others they are totally wrong.

My physical world is the size of my flat, hence the “Two rooms plus utilities”. That is an undeniable fact, there isn’t a door I can walk out of, well there is, but I would only reach the bottom of those stairs in one way, crumpled at the bottom. As they are made of sandstone, well the result wouldn’t be pretty. Freedom comes through my PC and TV, but they don’t remove those limitations. I defy anyone to not become attached to their freedom. A few years ago I would have seemed the number of hours I spend with them as totally unhealthy, now I see it as totally the opposite. They are part of the reason that I have staved off that monster that many with chronic illness fall pray to, depression.

Give me a sim that reacted to me as a person, talked and cared for me when Adam wasn’t around, that did all the things that I find hard to do for me and I would very quickly attach to them too. Humans are emotional creatures, we will attach to anything that helps us, keeps us safe and emotionally supports us. My three items are my life support system and I couldn’t live happily without any of them.

Please read my post from 2 years ago – 17/07/2013 – Pinning down what is important

Pencilled in for a phone call this morning is once again the doctor. I woke twice during the night first at 11:25 and second at 7:11, both times I was forced to do my impression of running as I was not only needed to go to the loo, but I had no control to help me get there, the final sign of my having a bladder infection. With that now clear, I also know why I have been still wiped despite the lowering of the temperature. I was actually so wiped yesterday that I…..