Well it has happened at last, Glasgow has had it’s first fall of Snow! I peaked out round the curtain this morning as Adam said it was snowing before he fell asleep, it clearly had lasted a while as it is more than a covering but already it is turning slushy. The cold that hit me on just moving the curtains was enough for me to shut them again quickly. It never ceases to amaze me how much cold air a simple curtain can hold behind it.
I seem to be just a little more awake today, I’m not sure why I was so blanked yesterday, it was almost as through the quantities of my meds had been raised and it didn’t change at all over the day, sleeping in the afternoon didn’t effect it and I actually didn’t sleep my full two hours, the pain in my right side ribs disturbed me. Correction it isn’t a pain, I really need to find a better word but to date the best I have come up with is a pressure but I don’t think that either pain or pressure gets the feeling across. From the end of the last rib that attaches to my breastbone, upwards for about 3 ribs there is a feeling as thought there is a large fist inside them, pushing the ribs outwards. Pushing my fingers into it from any point I can I can’t actually feel it with my fingers at all. The more I play around with it, the more it increases after my prodding and pushing has ended, but there really feels from the outside as though nothing is there at all. I have also noted if I have been playing with it I then also feel the pressure in my back as well. When just sitting here it is a discomfort, one that makes me sit more upright in an attempt to ease the pressure, sometimes when I stand up there is sudden pain, that passes in seconds. Finding a single or even a couple of words to let others understand has evaded me.
Putting descriptive words to thing that you feel so that others can then grasp how they would feel is often hard, especially as I know there were ten of us here at the minute with an identical pain in their leg, when asked there would be ten different ways of describing them. I, because I write, am more used to vocalizing how things feel, but I can appreciate fully the problems that both patients and doctors have when it comes to understanding what living with chronic pain is really like. I had an idea last night of updating a post I did months ago where I started from one end of my body and traveled the length laying out the problems I had. Although I have found the link for you, I have made a point of not reading it as the purpose of doing such an exercise would be to spot the differences, to see how things have changed. Actually having just written that I think it is a good idea and one I will carry out tomorrow, could be very interesting.
I once again have the house to myself, I don’t know how many Mondays Adam has booked off, my memory again, but I do know that he will be here for several days during February. I expect it happens a lot that people have holidays left they have to take before they loose them. I used to take nearly the whole of December off each year, not being one for summer holidays, I was always happy to be in work when most needed. At first when I found myself here with no job it did feel a little like an extended holiday but after a few days that wore off. I mention this today as I realised that since I had accepted no one was going to give me a job, that I haven’t even been signing into my email, slowly as the world of work has moved further away from me I also seem to be moving myself away from it. I found myself thinking about it when Jake asked me to help him with his job hunt, I hadn’t realised how we protected ourselves without even knowing that we are doing it. Not opening my email had become a way of not seeing all the email accounts I have for job application, still filling with contacts from agencies. I know that I need to go through them, stop the emails of possibly just close down those I no longer need, but that take admissions and ones that I’m not sure I am yet ready to take. Silly possibly, but if I don’t think about it, it isn’t happening, and for now I seem to need to be head in the sand for a little longer.