Yesterday afternoon the worst MS hugs that I have ever had started, I felt this incredibly sharp cramp in the left side of my upper spine and that was the beginning. Hugs are basically a spasm that effects the fine muscles between your ribs, for me and many others it usually starts just as yesterdays did and they spread form there, I usually get them right round me but occasionally they are one sided and as always it is my left side. From it’s start point it spread up and down my spine for about 3 inches and them right round to my side stopping just to my front, not making it all the way round but for some reason far more intense than I have had it before. By the time Adam came home I was getting bad tempered with it, spending several hours with a pain I would have ranked from between 8 to 9, unfortunately does get to you and I get snappy with it. Add into that the fact that at almost the same time as that started, I also started to get really bad low abdominal cramps, bad ones. So the second half of yesterday wasn’t the best to say the least. I just so grateful that the hug didn’t continue to make it’s way round the whole of my upper body.
All afternoon I had tried to relieve it and find some relief but without much luck, it wasn’t until the evening when I gave up as I couldn’t take anymore of it, with my concentration broken totally by the pain, I couldn’t manage to do anything of use or fun on here, so I gave up and went and sat on the settee feeling rather sorry for my self. I tried several times the process that usually helps to break it were I compress the area as much as I could throughout the afternoon, but I tried again by pushing myself into the arm and back of the chair and it started to release, bringing the pain levels down but not gone. I guess that because I was applying pressure over nearly all of it, at the same time rather than just what I could cover with one hand it made a difference. I am no doctor but there must be some sort of medication that would make a difference to that type of pain. Nothing I have ever tried has made a difference and I am on the highest dose that they will give me of the anti spasmodic drugs. When pain is this bad and growing all the time, it makes me really wonder about the future. For now I can deal with it as I know it always goes away, but I have noticed that it last longer and is more intense than it was 3 or 4 years ago, so where will it be in 3 or 4 years from now?
Today I still feel ill and I have the constant pressure feeling under the right side of my ribs and across the front in a narrow band which I think is all from my gallstones, but there is a mild hug still grumbling where it was yesterday, how the rest of today will unfold I don’t know, but I don’t want another afternoon like yesterday. Pain is the hardest thing in the world to live with, I would rather be throwing up than sitting in so much pain that I don’t know what to do with myself. When the pain started yesterday in two areas at nearly the same time, I started searching the web and found one site that said a hug could actually go from your upper chest to the base of your spine, which made me start to think about the pain I have had recently in my pelvic, could it also be an MS hug? That is a question I will be asking the MS nurse when she arrives on Thursday, the internet says yes but the internet says a lot of things and I just want to check before I just bundle it in. But it is still one of those questions that I don’t know if I really want the answer to, as if it is my MS there will be nothing that can be done about it, I always dread the it’s your MS answer, I remember being happy the very first time I was told it was MS but that is long worn off and I hate hearing it now. How much pain is one person meant to be able to put up with, without an real answer and a real solution?
There is snoring coming from the settee so therefore it is Saturday, lol. I sat here late last night, right through until 10 pm as I thought that sitting on the settee even with my added cushions where part of the problem with the pain in my spine, I wondered if it was possible that the harder higher seat might do less damage and allow more healing than the low soft settee, by using the past tense I know I have given away the result of that test, yet another broken straw. It seems as though I am having less and less success with my own attempts to fix things or maybe the it is just the pain getting to me a bit, but I am at more and more of a loss as to what to try next. I have again today just taken a couple of Ibuprofen as I tried them a couple of days ago and I think they helped a little. I keep trying as when I check on line the solution is to boost the meds by adding something simple, I don’t understand the chemistry behind it but it has to do with the drug combination, producing a higher pain relief, I have promised Adam that if I don’t have any significant relief by Monday, I will call the Doctor. I am you see quite sure that the pain from my pulled muscle in my back is healed, the pain I have now isn’t in the same place and is in reality the pelvic pain I have been struggling with for months now, just worse. I really expect him to say there isn’t anything he can do to help as he is so reluctant to up my meds and I am so reluctant to up them as well, but I can’t live like this for ever it is getting beyond silly.
I am not sure exactly how I am going to go about it but I have a hankering to do something different today, which with my vast array of things to do, comes down to spending most of the day playing computer games. I haven’t really played any for months so it might be some fun again. I have never been taken by the shoot-em-up games they just to be honest bore me but I do enjoy a good puzzle game, something that I have to think about and plan as I go along. I always thought that was why I enjoyed my work so much as all my days were basically spent working on big puzzles, then building software, which is another is another puzzle to be able to monitor and/or fix the situation. What wasn’t there there to keep an analytical, puzzle mad mind happy.
I have allowed my writing and twitter to take over much of my life lately and I am loving it but I think it will also do me good to take time out maybe every weekend to do something different. I suppose to be honest it has more to do with how much time I have more than anything, good days I have two to three hours to work on my book on a bad none. Everything in my life seems to be run by how my brain wants or doesn’t wants to work, so I have to accept that I have little control now over how well I manage anything on any given day. It is one of those things that has always made life with MS difficult as it is easy to make plans but impossible to know if you can actually carry them out. I am lucky with Adam on that point as he isn’t the type of person who likes to make set decisions about what is going to be done on this day or that, or even at what time, so my inability to stick to anything doesn’t bother him. I used to be the total opposite, I was totally the type of person who planned everything and got really wound up when or if it didn’t go totally to plan. I hated people being late for anything even by just a few minutes and I hated having to change anything I had planned. If someone had told me years ago that I would have learned to drift through not just one day but everyday, I would have told them they were mad, yet here I am drifting all the time and I don’t really care. I suspect that is one of the pluses of having brain damage, as it has removed that uptight to the rule side of me, which is a blessing, as otherwise I would be permanently wound up and in a state of frustration, now I just accept and get on with it. I was sure that like everything else in life, I would find a plus hiding in there somewhere.