Control of me?

I had a subject that I wanted to write about this morning but something made me do a quick search on my blog to see if there was anything that was close to today’s post and there was, not only close almost identical, but I had no real memory of writing it. I know it was over a year ago but I am usually good when at not repeating myself, yes I often comeback to and embellish on things as they do change in time. The fact I searched, tells me that there was a subconscious record knocking desperately and wanting to prove to me that it was already there, so I searched and there it was! “Control of me” On reading it and the comments I found myself still without an answer that will truly work for me as well things are getting worse despite asking Adam to help. Writing those totally useless and stupid lists, achieves nothing as I still land up doing almost any of the things I need to do just to live without developing new problems. Yesterdays post outlined one issue, one that has painfully made itself known and there is a solution to if I just did it, but it is just one of a million and one things that could make a difference to my life that for some reason I just don’t do. The real problem though isn’t the list of things I’m not doing, which has grown from a year ago, but the fact that I am failing myself without any understanding as to why? It is as though I simply don’t do anything unless it has reached the point were it has to be done, be that showering, going to the loo or even eating, everything has become just that bit to much of a hassle and far too easy to delay for a bit longer. What I do know is that this isn’t just a memory issue, that might explain some of it, but when you are sat desperate to empty my bladder and I put it off again and again, clearly memory has little to do with. I also know that the level of not doing things seems to vary, I would go as far as to say that I manage to get control of things for a short period of time and then it all slips again, the slip this time took me to the point of begging Adam to take me in hand, as I am failing so badly.

At the moment with no understanding of why, the only fix possible is to have either Adam or someone else sitting in the living room acting like a Sargent Major issuing demands that I do the next thing now. Not realistic in any way what so ever. There has to be a reason, something that is happening with in me that means I start to slip then suddenly just stop doing everything, even when I know all to well that much of it can actually make my health worse. There is an element of forgetting that is clear, but it is one thing to forget to put a cream on a bit of skin that needs extra care, but it is another to sit for over an hour needing to go to the loo, but just not moving at all. Something is just not connecting, not allowing me to do the logical, even the instinctive and making me ignore the lot and just making me stay just where I am. Like I said yesterday there is a feeling that there is an element of madness here, but if you know it is happening, you aren’t going mad! How can I list all the things I forget to do? That is the statement the tells me I am not forgetting, if I was I couldn’t ever list them.

Just for that spark of extra fun in life, today is the first day in months that I have pain from my gallstones. I haven’t really had pre-longed pain before, usually it is a case of a sudden short burst of intense sharp pain, but today that sharp pain is preciously in one spot, not getting worse and not going away. It is one of the strange things about living with pain, as long as you know where it is, what is being caused by and how bad the pain can get, then for some reason it doesn’t worry you. I’m not saying that the pain doesn’t hurt, it’s just that you accept it for what it is, but when pain starts somewhere new, you instantly want to know why, what and how bad. Between the pain in my kidney, my gallstones and a pain I guess is from my bladder infection running down the right side of my lower abdomen I am really not the found of that part of my body just now. All I need is for my right lung to join in and the complete set of possibilities will be completed. It is actually one of those things I have wondered about a lot, I am used to having the majority of my MS pain on the left side of my body. 85% of my spasm, cramps and nerve pains are all on my left side, even when it comes to mad sensations they too go for the left side first before spreading and the worst pain from my COPD is usually yet again on the left side. What I have been wondering is simple, do most people with MS and other such illnesses, normally effect one side of their body more than the other, or is it just me? I have checked on the MS sites and I have found no mention of it, mind you I rarely do find what I am looking for.

A problem to think about

Last night I was dying again, I was simply lying there waiting for it to happen but as always it didn’t. I don’t know what triggers that feeling, what it is that makes you totally believe that you won’t wake the next day and there is nothing what so ever can be done about it, other than to lie there and wait, to head for sleep and let it all slip away. It is a truly wild feeling as you would think that it would panic you and you would be fighting and making phone calls to 999 and getting to hospital as fast as you can. I have been there so often and always survived that I know there is no reason to panic, you just have to let the feeling go and it will, sleep passes through you and when you wake again you know then that yet again it hadn’t been worth a second thought. I think it was over a year ago now that I first mentioned feeling this way, I wrote about it very hesitantly expecting what I didn’t know, but it felt such a mad thing to feel that I suppose I thought people would tell me I was mad, but they didn’t. What came back to me were people, ordinary people who also knew all to well how it felt and who took the time to tell me so. That is one of the amazing things about being here on line and having found a community of people who actually help each other, you get a response to all those things that no matter how hard you search, you can’t find a single articular that tells you anything about what keeps happening in your life. Years ago those answers came from the true meaning of community, when we all couldn’t walk out of our homes without stopping to chat with almost everyone you passed, when people just dropped in for coffee without warning and there was always someone you know who wouldn’t laugh or think you mad regardless of the subject. So why did we start believing the Google could find the answer to everything? It took me as many years to fall in love with a search engine, as it did to finally realise that for real answers we actually truly need people. I have found that all to often the things that scare us, really scare us the most aren’t the things that are painful or obvious to others, they are the things we just don’t really know how to talk about and we can’t find the answer in books or on line. I remember when I wrote that post about the feeling I was going to die, Adam asked why I hadn’t spoken to him about it, I hadn’t spoken because I didn’t want him to either worry him about it or worse still to think I was truly mad and as I had proved, there wasn’t any reason to talk as there I was still alive. Often it is harder to talk to the ones we love, than it is to write about it or talk to our friends.

Once more I seem to have a bladder infection, just as the last time it is an odd one and I just can’t make up my mind if I need to call the doctor or not. Like all infections I find myself in real pain when I go to the loo, at times it burns so badly I find myself holding my breath. It started several days ago but it keeps coming and going, there has even been several days where I thought it was gone only to come back again. Yesterday evening it was worse than it had been so far, I was actually sat on the settee unable to find a position that would stop the pain as I know from experience it is better to have a full bladder than an empty one, all I had to do was wait for it to have something in it and then the pain would go. There has been no pain since, once again I feel as thought it is over, so my thoughts of speaking to the doctor today is once again not going to happen. This has been my third bladder infection in just four months, which isn’t funny, but it is very much part of having MS. For some reason the bladder doesn’t empty properly and infection sets in, until the last few months I have been lucky and sure that I wasn’t having any real issues, despite several years ago being shown how to use a catheter, something I was told to use 4 times a day. If you have ever used them you will know all the issues that go with them and there are a lot, very quickly you find a million reasons not to use them and I think I have proved that they were a head of my actually really needing them at all. So once again I find myself in a position were I know I should be using them at least once a day if not more, but I simply don’t want to. I just searched the word ‘catheter’ here on my blog and found 4 or 5 post where I have detailed their use and so on, but what surprised me is that all of them have one thing in common, I am in each of them and here, telling myself that I have to stop being stupid and just use them. I really do seem to have some sort of problem with the whole subject and I can’t really can’t think what it is, other than the list of excuses I have put into my previous posts. I can see they are nothing but excuses but I still don’t have the answer to why I just don’t get on with it, especially when I know the list of real health problems that can stem from not doing something so simple. I suppose I need to think this one through as there has to one thing behind it that I am missing, once I know what that is then I will be able to fix it.