The last few afternoons I have been dealing with a common problem with a twist, “Google madness!”. You know when you set out to do something incredibly easy on-line to only find out it is a total nightmare! It isn’t what you are looking for that is the problem, it is the results that keep coming up and confusing you with every new page you read. All I was looking for was a small adaptor for an E Cigarette, which I had a clear number for and no reason to think would be difficult find, the first search though really confused from the off, as all I was getting where blogs, forums, YouTube articles and magazines which that when scanned all seemed to have little to do with what I was looking for, it actually took me nearly an hour to find even one web site that was selling E Cigarettes in this country and only a couple in the USA. I had read searched and scanned so much that I was getting more and more lost, something that would have never happened a few years ago, in fact I and my work always saw me as the person who always could not only find, but find quickly the info needed. Time was being eaten up and my anger at myself and frustration at a system that seemed over loaded with total rubbish just grew and grew. My mind felt like it was a washing machine just spinning and mixing up the small sections of useful information only to then chuck out the memory of the site I saw it on. I couldn’t backtrack or even find logo’s that looked like the ones I had seen before. I gave up buried the whole thing and left it until the next day, I simply had to give up as I was just making things worse and worse by the second.

I had to stop as I was really making myself feel ill with it, something that should have been simple had defeated me not just mentally but physically. That’s one of the problems that you aren’t prepared for when you are told you have MS or even Fibro, both are thought of as being physical illnesses and the physiological side is always gently brushed away, well let me confirm to you they are very real. I had to stop looking for what I wanted as it wasn’t just I had had enough, but every new site I visited was actually causing me to tense some area or other without me knowing it was even happening. It was actually when I found myself with my jaw locked tight and teeth hurting from the pressure that I stopped, to discover I was sitting with my feet on tiptoe and every muscle in them tightened and even locking the joints. I was physically tensed in such an extreme that I was causing myself real pain, pain I had blocked until I let my brain move from my PC to me. At the time all I have been aware of was a tension across my shoulders and nothing more. Not only was I in pain I was also totally exhausted by it all, as though I had been out there walking shop to shop rather than clicking links. I just couldn’t believe how hard it was proving and why I was unable to keep track of what I was doing and the results I was finding. My confusion and tension was so bad that I didn’t actually truly relax until bed time came round, yes I know it all scream memory hence the post about it the other day, my search had been the day before.

Search two was little better, it was also the day that I suffered those horrid extreme spasms, my physical reaction was clear, my body was taking the battering from my mind letting me down. A week almost from from first search for the original item and two days trying to find the adaptor to make it work, all because I wanted to save a more money by making my E Cigarette easier to use. I left it alone on Tuesday, I really couldn’t put myself through that again, a day off, a fresh mind and hopefully Wednesday would be better, it was! Well I thought it was, this morning the company I bought the item from emailed to say it was out of stock and they were not going to carry the item again! More than 6hrs ‘work’, hours of hell and I am right back at the beginning! If I can find them again I do now know there are actually several companies in the US who do have it, I just have to see if they will send it to the UK!

I don’t know if you have ever found yourself standing in an incredibly stupid position, then thankfully realising it could have been worse if someone had been there to see you. I have caught myself doing just that a few times in the last few weeks, yesterday I was having problems seeing some writing on the TV so I picked up the remote and walked over to the screen to read it. I don’t know why but I was suddenly aware that I was standing with my feet almost as far apart as I could put them without falling over, but it was more my head that amused me, for some reason I had moved my head forward so it was closer still. I can only describe it as the position that a vulture would hold their head, lowered into the shoulder hight and extended as far forward as it would go. Suddenly I became aware and grateful as Adam was at work, just as he was the other day when something similar happened, both though had made me laugh as I just knew it was stupid. That sudden knowledge made me turn round towards my PC, laughing and trying to take a couple of steps as I was, it was just so stupid. When I sat and thought about it I realised what I was up to, totally without thought I have started to compensate for the fact I can no longer trust my legs to lift me from a crouched or bent position. Totally subconsciously I have worked out this odd stance a feet apart with knees locked, a slight bend at my waist and the final adjustment in the position of my head, were in the past I would have crouched. I can’t wait to see what my mind comes up with for some of the other things around the house I can no longer crouch to do, at least I am now aware of it.