2013 is at last beginning, no more muddled up weeks without any structure because someone declared it was holiday time! Nothing has been quite right over the last few weeks and I doubt that miraculously it will all be perfect from today onwards, but I at least have a chance of keeping check on which day it is. I woke a little early this morning and I had a range of reasons which might have been behind it so I will blame none of them, just one of those morning where I got out of bed early as many of us do day in day out. So nice to have something to write that say I am just like anyone else. Sometimes it is a little hard to remember that simple fact, I am just another human living just another human life. When you are diagnosed with a chronic illness you sort of become a title not a person and everyone’s expectations of you change, including your own. I had to fight against that one, being pig headed I chose to stand up and declare I’m here, I’m living and I have a purpose, I am not MS, I am me. I suppose I have never exactly chosen the easy path, as you may have gathered as you have read my blog I do what I think at the time and allow the consequences to happen if they dare. So a new year some how demands a deceleration of intent, a warning to the world of how we are going to change it if you like, you might just call it a resolution but that sounds so easy and so old fashioned.
So what is it I want out of this year, well I want to be able to carry on what I have started, I want to keep showing myself and you, that I won’t just sit here and decay into nothing as I once thought was my fate. I reaffirm that I will write everything I can, when it happens, with accuracy and truth and that I will track my health and thoughts as well as I can. That said, well lets move on to the next step, the longest project that I have been unable to get past the starting blocks to find only new blocks in my way and I have let, I suppose to defeat me, that book. I have lost how many times I have started and restarted and then started again. I am finding it really hard to rewrite what I have already done, it is all here in different post and different words but it is here. Somehow it doesn’t seem right to just repeat, copy paste or rehash, but when you pour everything into written words all the time what more is there other than what I will write tomorrow or the day after. This doesn’t mean I have given up on the idea or the actual, it means I have to try again and try until I find a way to make it work for me, those who read daily and those who have right now no idea who I am or that I even exist. A challenge I know but where is the fun in easy. The second part of that challenge is finding the time, I have just 12 hours awake and so much to do in so little time. If I had the money I would employ someone to assist me, a ghost writer if you like who could order all that I have already done. Strangely though I would feel a little as though I would be taking the easy route, rather than the honest one.
I know I alone like most others can’t change the world, my deceleration though is to change it one person at a time and if I can make one more person not fear being ill or be terrified that being housebound means their end, then I am happy with that. One at a time, is always more than one, as each one will pass on that confidence and in their own words and ways pass it on to others. If I can show one person that pain can be lived with and that having a brain that defies you, is nothing more than a hurdle that can be jumped even on legs that don’t work, well that’s a good day. Right now as I sit here I have stopped and started, read emails, been to fetch a drink, had to reread what I have written as I have no memory of what it is I put down here minutes ago. I know that I am in pain and I know that my body is defying me in every move it makes without my permission, but it doesn’t stop me having desires and dreams, it doesn’t hold me back from being alive and having a passion for life. No one needs to sit and wait for the end, it will come to us all, all to soon, so I live every second with passion even if it is a second that I will forget as quickly as it arrived.
Today is a day for new beginnings because I say it is not because of the date or any notion that it is that time of year. Today is the day when I or you can do anything, we just have to try and have enough faith in ourselves to believe that it will work, so try.