Caught in a quandary

I decided that I had nothing to lose, I had what I needed here in the house and today, was as good a day, as any. Adam, of course, wasn’t so sure, he questioned, and double checked my knowledge of my drugs, then agreed it was a good idea. I thought that as I had enough drugs in the house, that it might be an idea, to run a test and for just 24 hours, to increase my slow release morphine. Last night and this morning, I have taken one extra 10 mg tablet. As I explained to Adam, I take 10 mg fast release boosters all the time, so a slow release tablet was going to affect me even less and, was perfectly safe. It’s kind of hard to know what, if anything that it might have done, as I had a bad nights sleep last night. Without a doubt, my pain levels are slightly lower, but I wouldn’t stand up and declare it’s a miracle, the pain is still too clearly there for my liking. The prolific numbness and pins and needles appear slightly less, so yes there is an improvement, what doesn’t fit was last night’s sleep.

Morphine is renowned for causing nightmares and vivid dreams. Between 9 pm and midnight last night, I had an odd vivid dream, I know that could be caused by anything, but when I was popping booster after booster a while ago, I had vivid dreams. When I forced myself, to cut them down, regardless of the pain levels, the dreams went away. Once more, I find myself unsure and without clear direction. I don’t have a big enough supply of spare tablets to keep testing for a few days, so I am left with that life long quandary, what to do for the best. Why does life have to be like this? Why can’t just for once, the choice be simple, straight forward and without problems? I have been living for months now, with my pain and sensations way above what any sane person would find acceptable, but I can’t find the answer to them. I am already on the two most common drugs prescribed for dealing with wild sensations, such as the ones I have. Gabapentin and Amitriptyline. Apparently, Amitriptyline is not effective above the dose I am already on, but it might be worth asking for the Gabapentin to be increased, as I’m not quite on the highest dosage.

It was in fact, one of the things that I discussed when I was at the pain clinic, but, wasn’t pursued at the time. I was in one of my stroppy confused states, and Adam wasn’t with me to assist. The Doctor managed to wind me up within minutes of my arrival, and as I got stressed, I became more and more confused, argumentative and desperate to escape. It started over my not having the memory to be able to tell him, when I last saw my Neurologist, then went rapidly downhill from there. Clearly, he had no understanding as to what MS does to the brain or the effect it has, on our ability to deal with situations we’re not comfortable in. Within two years of my diagnosis, they gathered the information to confirm that I have extensive brain damage. There was even then, clear signs that I had frontal lobe damage and it was causing emotional instability, especially when combined with anything to do with my memory, it is a bit like living with attention deficit disorder. Hence my inability to now deal with change or people I don’t know, the reason that Adam is now always my link to the outside world. In some ways, I wish that meeting had been filmed. It was a perfect example of my brain, spinning out of control and leaving me, far, far behind it. All that aside, an increase in my Gabapentin, might just be the answer I’m looking for and clearly worth discussing with my GP.

On New Years day, just as I did on Christmas Day, I spent the whole day drinking bucks fizz. It took me from when I got up, right through to the evening to drink an entire bottle of Cava, as Adam doesn’t touch alcohol at all these days. I know, before anyone says anything, that alcohol isn’t the answer to pain or anything else. Yet the combination of a booster pill, both morning and afternoon, with the steady, slowly drunk diluted wine, worked wonders for me. It was a bit like stepping back in time, as the closest I can put it, is to say that I felt as I did about six years ago. On New Years Day, after days of planning, I even managed to do some cooking. So OK, it doesn’t take a genius to cook scrambled egg, and I did drop one whole unopened egg on the floor, but I did it. I also cooked the steak, new potatoes, mushrooms, cauliflower, broccoli and white sauce, later in the day. All of which remained where it was meant to be. I haven’t even attempted to do such a thing for a really long time, and to make it, even more, surprising, I did it all from my wheelchair. Yes, I was left tired, but I enjoyed it. My self-medication got me through two days of activity, that would normally leave me in incredible pain, exhausted and unable to function, I was only half way there. I don’t know if there is some kind of answer hidden in all that, something that might help me in the future, but it did make a difference, one that anyone would have been able to see. There is no way that I could do it again today, as today, I am still paying for it.

Last night, I was back to my normal self, I went to the kitchen, to do nothing more than open a few salad pots. Once I had juggled them out of the fridge and picked them back up off the floor, I then  placed them on my lap, so I could wheel them to the counter. As my lap had a clear slope and was covered in velvet, why I thought they would stay there, I have no idea. Of course, they didn’t, I had to pick them up for a second time. Once safely positioned where no more accidents could take place, on a nice level surface, I started to open them all. First two, went fine, the third, landed up on the floor, this time without its container, it was still in my hand, the tomatoes, mozzarella and olive oil were all over the place, including over me. Nothing annoys me quite so much as wasted food, especially, when I had splashed out on what was supposed to be the last treat of the holiday season. I had to call Adam to rescue me this time, there was no way I could clean it all up, as I couldn’t even move my chair, without squashing mozzarella balls into the floor. My growing exhaustion was beginning to show, no matter how determined I was to keep going, my body was screaming stop, I had to leave Adam to complete what was supposed to be dinner before I ruined it all.

That is life with chronic illness, one day, you can appear almost normal, the next, you’re can appear totally useless. I know appearances have almost nothing to do with anything, but when you can pull something off, in front of those who matter to you, well you feel good.The things that suddenly become enjoyable and noteworthy when you are ill, are often the simplest of things. I know that most 11-year-olds could have done what I did on New Years Day, yet I am still left feeling proud, for doing what once I could have done without thought. Life takes on a whole new perspective, we become proud of doing almost nothing. Excited, about what most see as a chore and elated, despite getting those tiny things wrong, well it was only an egg. But then yesterday, a simple carton totally defeated me, not once, but over and over again. This world we live in is truly measured by things that make little, or no sense at all.


Please read my blog from 2 years ago today – 04/01/2014 – Getting to me and you

It appears I am having one of my do anything else I can find to do rather than what I should be doing. I woke early this morning, just before 6 am in pain and bursting for the loo, the second was easily…..



Getting it right

I lost my right leg last night, we were just watching TV, and the whole thing suddenly died from knee to toes. Compared to last week when I wasn’t able to find a single of part of me that felt normal, I’m not complaining. What made me mention it, was the fact it was to totally numb and went suddenly. I’m used to it normally going slowly from a single expanding spot, but last night, it was fine one second, the next it was gone. I guess it could say it has learnt a new trick, in time for the New Year. In general, getting that deep nights sleep did make a huge difference and it is a trick that I am going to hold onto, just in case, it’s needed again. I wasn’t doing it totally in the blind, as the day before I had taken a booster during the day and I noted then, that the sensations eased off, they didn’t stop, but they did turn down in intensity. I am wondering if part of the problem, is that my painkillers aren’t holding everything as quiet, as they have up to date. It has been quite a while since they were last increased and I know better than most, if you are constantly fighting, even with low-level pain, you get tired. It doesn’t just wear you down during the day, but it also means that you don’t sleep as deeply, which isn’t something you can’t really measure, other than by how you feel during the day. Get tired, which I have been now for ages, and everything else steps up, making life miserable. It might well be time to ask for a 10mg increase on the slow release Morphine, as the last time I increased it by that amount, life changed totally for me.

I don’t know if you would call it a healthy respect, or just a plain reluctance, but I never race into increasing or changing my medications in any way. I know that some people just take and take, with only one thought, to try and make their bodies feet just as it did before their condition began. That to me is not the best route. If I had been doing that since I was diagnosed, god knows how many drugs, I would be taking now. I, without discussing it with anyone, have cut out and ditched about half the drugs that all my different Doctors have prescribed for me, at different times. Every drug I have ever been given, I have tested, not just when I first started them, but at odd occasions from then on. If I didn’t feel it was doing what I expected, I would stop it for a while and wait and see exactly what happened. This is not something, I recommend that anyone does, I have chosen carefully the drugs I have removed, none has been life essential, nor condition altering, just symptom suppressing. I noticed, that every time I complained to my doctor that I wasn’t getting my expected result from taking them, all they did was up the dose. The first one that I stopped was one that was supposed to keep me awake. After about three years of taking them, I suddenly found that I could take it, and go to sleep within the hour. I simply wasn’t happy about adding yet more, of what in effect was “speed” into my system I stopped it and absolutely nothing changed. I didn’t feel different in any way, so I could see no point, in taking their ever increasing dose, when the one I was on, far higher than the insert suggested, did nothing. It has prompted me to test others as well over the years. At a guess, I would say that I have halved the medications they would have otherwise continued to prescribe, they weren’t doing me any good and were just costing the NHS money.

I know that my body is a mess, and I can’t see how, it helps to fill me with chemicals that do nothing or little. The drugs I am on now, are drugs that I need and work, but I still have a reluctance to increase anything, before I reach the point, when there is no other answer. Chemicals can help, but there is no way, that there isn’t a price to pay at some point. Right now, my body is tolerating them, appreciating them and working with them, which is just how, it should be. I know that on the scale of things, the level of Morphine that I am on isn’t that high, but, I don’t know how many years I still have to go, or how or what my body will throw at me. Addiction doesn’t come into it the equation at all. Why would it? I’m in the closing phases of my life, if I get addicted to anything, well it’s not going to matter, as there’s only one way that I will ever come off it. All the medical profession can do for me, is to keep my pain levels at bay. I know they can’t take it away, and that I will never, not even for a minute, be totally free of it. As long as it’s at a level where I can live with it, then that’s all I ask.

Chronic illness is all about balance. Activity, enjoyment, drugs, sleep and hope. You have to have them all, and you have to decide for yourself, how you want that balance to sit. It’s personal, not medical, and that’s something a lot of people forget. Our doctors are there to help us, look after our bodies, not to control them. It doesn’t matter what the medical books say, or those people who read them, think they say, it’s up to us, to interpret it all including how it all makes us feel and to control our health. Personally, as I’ve said before, I listen to my body, I know it and I know quite quickly what it likes and what it doesn’t. So far, I don’t think I have done too badly in actually living with PRMS, COPD, Fibro and a list of many other more minor conditions. This is the start of year 15 post diagnosis of my PRMS, 15 years ago, I didn’t think, because of what my doctors said, that I would be here today, yet here I am. This the start of year 3 post diagnosis of my COPD, 7 more to go, if the doctor is right, but I still think, that it’s all up to me. I’ll keep listening to all and anything that might help me, but it’s all up to me.


Please read my blog from 2 year ago today – 02/01/2014 – Glorious isolation

In Scotland today is yet another holiday but the last now until April but it means that again my morning has been filled with the constant sound of snoring, no matter how much I love Adam I will never get used…..

It’s simple

I don’t feel that great today, in fact, I have been feeling rather ill for a few days now and it hit its peak yesterday afternoon. As unpleasant as it is, I spend a lot of my time feeling nauseous, so it was nothing new the other day when I found myself at the point where I thought I was actually going to be sick. It was so intense that I was actually hovering around the toilet at one point, convinced that the contents of my stomach were about to leave. At other times, I just headed to my bed and lay down for a few minutes until it passed. Yesterday, I had done the lie-down bit several times including my afternoon nap, but it just wasn’t leaving me alone. When I reached my time to have my teatime soup, I did hesitate about having it at all and I wish I had listened to that hesitation. I also wish that I had listened when I was half way down it when I was sure it was about to return, but I didn’t. I managed to hold onto it for about half an hour then suddenly, I was moving at my top speed towards the bathroom, for the first time ever, my nausea actually turned into vomit, followed by half an hour lying on my bed and Adam worrying himself silly.

It doesn’t take a genius to work out why he was worried, I too was wondering if this was a sign that I couldn’t hold onto food because there wasn’t any space left inside me. While I was lying down I had a brainwave, one that totally ignored the events of the day, the fact I had been feeling sick for days and everything else. My brain was snatching at straws and I realized that later. I had worked out that it had to be the peppermint capsule I took just after I finished my soup, somewhere in my brain the connection was simple. Hot food plus gel capsule meant that it had melted in my stomach rather than my gut where it was supposed to have dissolved, result, vomit. That didn’t explain how I managed to feel sick for the rest of the evening as well and when I reached 9pm, I stopped kidding myself. Not only had I been feeling sick all evening, but when I was sick it set off a trail of spasm in my guts and for the first time in a couple of days, I was passing the wind, nothing else, just wind. Once again, I was also hardly able to rest my hand on my stomach and I don’t have to be a doctor to know it isn’t really a good sign.

I have 10 days of food inside me at this moment, including 5 days of Psyllium, with no signs what so ever of anything changing. Last night when I took my meds, I also took a dose of my laxatives. This doesn’t mean I have given up on the Psyllium, not at all. What it does mean is that I don’t think it is standing a chance of working with so much ahead of it that isn’t moving at all. I also thought last night that it might be a good idea if I didn’t eat anything more until I managed to at least get rid of something that is already there. I went to bed on a high, you know your life is no longer normal when you go to bed as though you were a child expecting a visit from Santa, because you are hopeful of going to the loo. But that was exactly how I felt, I couldn’t imagine anything better than looking forward to a day without feeling sick or being sick. Even lying there still feeling sick and in pain wasn’t pulling me down at that point, waking this morning feeling sick and with no signs of anything else, did though. Right now, I am sitting here feeling rather pissed off with the whole thing, as once again I have done what my doctors have told me and landed up feeling worse than I did before. I have lost count how many times this has happened to me over the years and each and every one has left me disheartened and wanting to give up. The hard thing and, unfortunately, the only thing to do on occasions like this, is to persevere. So today, I am going to eat, even smaller quantities than normal, so more grazing sessions, but hopefully ones that won’t have me in the bathroom in minutes. I am going to take my Psyllium, a small amount in each graze session and if I don’t go to the loo before bedtime, I am also going to take more of my laxative. I know it is about time and I will give it that time, but I am sure that what I did wrong was not give it a level playing field to start with.

Doctors, websites, and blogs, all seem determined to make everything that they ask us do, to sound really easy. Which, to be honest, is a hugely unfair and I believe is the totally wrong approach. I don’t believe that it is just me, I can’t believe that there are people out there who feel better about anything by being told a pile of lies. It doesn’t matter what it is, from the very first medical lie I remember being told, that a needle being stuck into you feels like “a little scratch”. A needle being stuck in you, surprise, surprise, feel like a needle being stuck into you, where did the scratch come from? I have to admit that the doctor didn’t say that the psyllium would work instantly or that it would be palatable without a load of experiments, but all the websites I saw, did. Well read the last few days and there is the truth, so I am going to do this my way. Clear myself through, work on finding different ways of getting it into me and be ready if nothing happens in 5 days, to once again intervene, then raise the dose or change how and when I take it, and try again.

Being jollied along into doing things that the person who is doing the jollying wouldn’t do themselves, is dishonest. It fits in some ways into what I said yesterday if you are going to have to do something over and over, like drink something, and that thing is unpleasant, well it’s wrong that anyone would expect you to do it. I am willing to try anything but note the word “try”, it maybe should be in capitals as if it is wrong in any way, I will stop trying, especially when I see the word “liar” flashing in front of those doing the jollying. Right now, I am sure that there are millions out there who have bought recommended treatments and thrown them away because on their first attempt they spotted the lie. Is it really that hard to just tell the total truth?

Read my blog from 2 years ago today – 26/05/13 – Trust in science

I guess it’s because I write so much that I constantly have questions asked of me on twitter, which I am more than happy to answer as far as I can, but to me one of the curious questions I keep getting is about different medications, what I think of them, their effect, side effects and so on. I can say that without the…….

Getting it right

I had a disturbed night last night, it wasn’t anything horrid and when I woke at 4:30 am I knew that luckily as I had feared that it wasn’t pain that had woken me, just horrid discomfort in my stomach. I had to give in when I took my meds last night, after 6 days of just taking the Lactulose at its highest dose both morning and evening, nothing had shifted, so I took the other stuff the doctor prescribed, the stuff that makes me feel sick, disturbed my sleep and generally I don’t like, but works. I really was hoping that after shifting the backlog a couple of weeks ago that I might be OK just on the Lactulose and decided to give it ago, but not too surprisingly it failed. I just don’t understand why it is so difficult to find something that will work but won’t cause me so many other issues around it. Sleeping properly is really important as without my full ten and half hours sleep every night and I mean deep sleep, well I can’t cope during the day. Right now, I feel rotten and I haven’t the slightest doubt as to why.

Everything is such a delicate balance, one that has now been out of kilter for several months. The last time I felt right and well enough to say life is easy, was back at Christmas time, I know exactly when it started going wrong, what caused it, well that I don’t know, other than to say that 28th of December was the last time I went to the loo without huge issues around it. Read back and you will see quite clearly that that was the start of this spiral, my PRMS around that date decided to close down my bowels and to aggravate everything else just because it could. I have always said that living with this monster is like spending your life on a tightrope, one tiny breath of wind in any direction and it will shove you right off that rope, then stand there laughing as you try to get up again. Right now, I am balanced on one knee, trying to get the foot of my other leg under me and I have been stuck there now for two whole months, it’s still a long way from getting myself back onto the rope. I discovered this morning that along with everything else, I have been forgetting to take on of my morning meds for how long now I am not sure. It isn’t one that really has anything to do with any condition I have, but because I am on such a large number of strong drugs, I have to take another drug to protect my stomach. The daft thing is that despite standing staring at my meds laid out on the kitchen counter and thinking every morning that it looked to few from my usual handful and even mentally checking they were all there, it wasn’t until I was fetching a new box of Gabapentin from my store, that I suddenly saw the missing tablets sitting there on the shelf. I have been in the cupboard at least twice every week, but it just didn’t click until today and I’ve worked out that I haven’t been taking them for about three weeks. This is far from the first time I have done this, but what makes this one stand out, is the fact that I did the same thing with a different one just last month and repeatedly with my laxatives routine which is how it became clear that my insides were totally blocked up and none of the nerves working on their own. Until recently, I have been quite sure that as long as I got the times right, I could trust myself to take the right tablets at each time slot, now I am honestly beginning to wonder if I can manage or if I need some help here too. I used to use one of those tablet boxes when I was still working in the office, I needed it then more for the fact that I had to take tablets whilst out of the house, but it wouldn’t work for me any longer as I now have four medications that are in liquid form and two that I take when needed rather than at a set time. It just seems like my medications are becoming more and more easy to muddle, at the same point as they are becoming more and more important to get right. On the subject of medications, I know that I shouldn’t be doing this, but I did a quick count of what I had in my store of Morphine tablet and as I thought, because I had a spare pack from ages ago, I have more of the 10 mg slow release tablets than I need to take me to my next prescription. Because I am short of the booster tablets, I have this morning taken an extra of the slow release tablets, to make sure that I can get through the day without having to take on of my precious 4 remaining boosters, I just hope it will make the difference.

It would be so good to have just a few days of life feeling my normal, it may not be anyone else’s normal, but it means a lot to me just being able to get enough sleep and to not spend half my life feeling sick or in so much discomfort that I just want to give up. I guess that is why I tried just taking the Lactulose, everything else they have given me means I loose sleep and that alone as I said is what along with having my pain under control makes life bearable. I may have had a few days of glorious sleep, but the result is once again I am caught in this stupid circle, last nights laxatives may have eased the situation a little, but I am in so much discomfort again that I can’t find anything like a comfortable position, so much so that I already know I will have to take another dose tonight. Taking it during the day is actually worse, I did try it, but it had me wondering back and forward to the loo in anticipation of what never happened and feeling worse with every visit and then not getting any sleep as I was back and forward to the loo every couple of hours. It doesn’t seem possible that something as simple as going to the loo can cause me to land up in such a mess, but it has and I have had enough of it and it has to be sorted out.

There has to be a balanced line that I can find in this muddle, but it just isn’t appearing with any ease. As much as I don’t want to, I am honestly feeling that I am being forced into calling the MS nurses and seeing if one of them can come round to see me, it might even help if I can get them here this week as Adam is off on holiday and it might help if we are there together. That way he can tell them along with me just how difficult things have become and they might also be able to help him find a support group that might give him the support he needs and we discussed the other week.

Read my blog from 2 years ago today – 8/03/13 – Hello out there >

Jake was round here again yesterday as over the weekend I had won another symbol that he wanted off Ebay and it had arrived. Last week it was a 16 inch china and yesterday a 20 inch one, I am so glad I am not his neighbour even though he is a first class drummer, who swore 10 yrs ago that he would never pick up a drumstick again. I think his new kit is……

Drugs, right or wrong

During yesterday afternoon I received a tweet that at first made me laugh, not because it was intended as a joke, but because of my last two posts. Two days off writing about improving understanding of chronic illness with those who aren’t actually ill and the simple changes and support that could make life better for so many people, to then receive a tweet from an able bodied person telling me to stop “whining and move on”, especially as it was in reply to a tweet which read “If you can live with #CHRONICillness you can do ANYTHING – We’re not #disabled, but enabled”. I laughed at first as I found it ironic that a positive tweet could be seen as whining, I answered their tweet and told them that that tweet, was my reason for being on twitter and maybe they might understand if they read my blog, at that point they unfollowed me. I did actually half expect that reaction as she was showing totally something I had discovered myself before I was housebound, some people, not all, but some are simply intolerant of the disabled. Unfortunately no matter how anyone tries they are a sector of this planet’s population who educating would need far more thought and innervation than I believe I could supply ever. Unfortunately, I have never been known for being subtle, changing their opinions totally without them knowing it is happening, just isn’t my style, I can manage the positive spin, but disguising it as a sneaky something else, it outside my abilities.

Overnight the clocks were turned back, the official end of British summer time. In theory, that means an extra hour in bed, but theories don’t always pan out, after my normal 11 hours sleep, I woke up needing to go to the loo and awake. This, of course, means my day is now going to be an hour longer, that is if I can stay up until 9pm, but I fear that I will flack before that. Even last night, which is my favorite TV night of the week at the moment, “Strictly come dancing” and “Dr Who”, I was from about 7:30 onwards wanting to head to bed. If there is one thing that chronic illness doesn’t respect in any way, it is what makes us happy, I would actually go as far as to say that it goes out of its way to spoil anything it feels like fun. I had only been settled on the settee for about 10 minutes when my body decided that pain in my left side might just be needed. It was the type of pain that simply means that there is no position that you can sit in for more than a short while before it forces you to move again. I am more than used to pain in my arms and legs, they have been part of my life now for so long that I doubt even Adam knows when it is there at its normal levels, yes if I get a peak, but at normal levels no. The longer you live with pain, especially after years of being told that there is nothing wrong, or that I was just imagining it, you learn to cover it up and to act as normal as those around you. I managed my cover up act quite well until around 8 when he started to give me sideways glances and eventually turned to ask if I was OK, as always I said yes, even though his look told me he knew the truth.

Once I did make it to bed I had a real problem, I was feeling terrible, to the point when I stood up to head to the bedroom, I wasn’t totally sure that I was going to make the distance. I have never fully understood what it is that makes me feel like that, or how it is that pain and tiredness is translated by your body into making you feel ill. I am sure there is some medical explanation for it, but it happens and when it does, just like everyone else who feels ill, you want to give in and sleep, the pain in my side though had other ideas. Once I was laid down it started to spread and as always the pressure started to build in my chest, I lay there for about 10 minutes but knew that this was another night that I needed a morphine booster pills. I find it so maddening that you can be exhausted and past just ‘wanting’ to sleep, yet there I am having to take a pill, just so I could. Tablets are part of my life, as they are for too many of us, but despite years of taking them, I always kept questioning what they do and what I really need as nothing would please me more than to be able to reduce my handful’s by even just one table per round. I used to really play around with them, stopping the odd one here and there, it was only last night when I felt so annoyed at having to take one, that I realised I hadn’t been messing around with them for nearly two years. The more I thought about it both last night and this morning, I have worked out that the change happened when they eventually gave in and put me onto Oxycontin and then onto MST. I honestly haven’t missed, or purposely not taken one tablet since then, the only thing I can put that down to is the fact that at last, they have me on meds that work. I can only guess that the reason I kept switching them around, stopping a starting different ones, was quite simply because of what I kept telling the doctors, they weren’t doing what I needed, to have my pain under control, now that it is, normally, I am content to swallow whatever they give me.

I fully understand that doctors are cautious about dishing out high-level painkillers, but surely there should be a list of conditions where the facts are that pain is a significant factor and that people who have those conditions should be listened to more when they say the drugs they are on, are not working. Every time I saw my Neuro after my diagnosis I was telling him the same thing, I am in constant pain and the drugs are helping, but not holding it at a level I could live with. Every time he made a small tweak and sent me off for another year, yes I did say year. It is one thing living with pain at a background level, it is another living with it at a level where it stops you functioning with only annual opportunities to get it adjusted. I did try to get my GP to do something for me, but his answer was always the same, that he didn’t know enough about my condition and that it was down to my Neuro to prescribe the correct drugs at the correct level for me. All that suddenly changed when I was put onto Oxycontin, then suddenly he was happy to talk about what level I needed and what drugs were best for me, he was the one who changed it to MST and without any hesitation increased it when I asked him to and even prescribed the booster pills for me. That change I am sure was brought about by the fact he was now dealing with drugs he knew about, but I am sure that right now there are others out there fighting to get some peace from the pain and just like I was getting nowhere. It is a system that like so many other things is broken, we are the people who know best how our bodies are reacting to the drugs they prescribe and I honestly felt for years that all the decision were out of my hands and how I felt, didn’t really matter.


Please read my blog from 2 years ago today – 26/10/12 – Assessment 

Sometimes in life, it is good to sit and just reassess where you are going and what you have done so far. All too often it is one of those things we don’t do, it is all too easy to not really think about life but just keep going, with the odd grumble but no action. I know that I never planned for the distant future, in fact, I didn’t plan past the next payday, as that was how I measured everything. Was there……