Last night when I went to bed I was really hoping that I would wake at least at the same level as I did yesterday, I’m glad to say I did. Although it really seems to be just my feet that are improving, when I woke I felt brighter than I have done for a while, that to me means more than the decrease in the pain. I have lived with pain that long that I find I can get on with things to a point but when you are pulled down by it everything is a struggle, that small improvement means a lot! This morning is the first one for a while were I have sat here for 3 hours without a single tear insight. I haven’t been crying my eyes out it has just been a case of from nowhere a tear or to have appeared and at worst it has been my eyes filling once then clearing, but those tears spoke loudly to me. Although I have problems holding emotions in check they don’t normally run a muck when I am on my own, they are normally triggered by others as Adam knows all to well, but for me to be sitting in tears with nothing but me to trigger them, just wasn’t right.
I know things are still bad but I also now know that I am back in control of how I feel about it all and that is so important, probably more important than getting rid of the symptoms. When you can’t see past where you are and see nothing but a downwards slope it is really tough to handle, I accepted long ago what lies a head of me but rightly or wrongly I had a vision of it being a slow gentle slope, not falling off cliffs all the time. Yes I am in a flare and it isn’t over, but having that tiny improvement makes me feel that the free fall aspect has if not stopped at least slowed and it has given me back enough to allow me to be comfortable with where I am just now.
I’m not sure how to explain the feeling as it isn’t something I ever felt before I had MS but the closest I can get to it was when I had ‘Glandular Fever’. If you have had it, you will know that it is an illness that also drains you and leaves you wondering if it is ever going to be over. I have a memory of being in bed for weeks, with no strength and no energy, just sleeping and sleeping. My mother said I rarely woke for the best part of a week and I still remember when I did get up eventually, that just going to the toilet and back left me zonked. I was only about 11 but I was so scared that I was never going to get better, that my body was never going to stop hurting and that I was never going to be able to go back to school. The last one was the only high point in it, but that physical drain also drained me mentally, I didn’t have the strength to hold a conversation or to be part of the world. Then like now it is that last bit that is the worst of all, the fear that you are loosing the world. I do sometimes wonder if that long term illness was a training ground if you like, I was ill for the best part of 2 months and I wasn’t allowed when I went back to school to take part in anything energetic for another 3 months. I learned then that you might fear you are dieing and that life is never going to be the same if you do live, but the truth is, life goes on and it might not be the same but it isn’t that bad either.
Being out of control and lost to the world in my head is more debilitating than the physical restrictions, loose the battle in your mind and you have lost everything, win the battle in your mind and the physical doesn’t matter so much. I am in no less pain really when I look at the all over levels but I am winning in my head and that changes everything. My world is becoming peaceful again.