Now or Later

The start of another day, and it all seemed just all to normal. I have said repeatedly that I hate that word as it normally refers to what is average for the population as a whole, but when it comes to my health at any given point in time, there is no other word to use. Today is normal, not your normal, I will agree but that is the problem, we all to easily adjust to our situation and take it from there. It really is a problem that I didn’t think much about until recently, if we didn’t adjust with such ease, would we maybe fight just that bit harder to maintain our full health. I am not saying that it is mine or anyone else fault that they have through illness landed up where they are today, but I just can’t help wondering that if I had put in just that bit more effort into walking when things were getting difficult would I have managed to walk for just that bit longer. Questions that I know there is no way of answering.

Being able to adjust is physiologically clearly a great thing, otherwise I would be totally engulfed in depression and I probably wouldn’t be writing this now. I don’t think that I exactly gave in at any point and just accepted what my body was doing, but I did give into the nagging from the medical profession and accepted my wheelchair. I know they were just trying to offer the help my body needed but it will always be that niggle in the back of my mind. I suppose that I have good reason to feel that way, as I had no diagnosis for nearly 20yrs and through out that time I managed on my own. I know they worked out what was wrong because my illness changed from relapse remission to progressive, but it also opened the door to being allowed to be ill, before that I just had to keep going no sick leave, no feeling sorry for myself, just pushing on through life. I am grateful for all the help I have had, but I think you can see what I am saying, knowing what is wrong makes you feel sane, but it makes room for so many other things as well.

I’m no doctor or a physiologist but living through so many changes and so many peaks and troughs of health, forces me to try and understand why or how I accept or react to what is happening. I have found that I react amazingly well to the major thing, but get easily frustrated and even at times distressed by the smaller things. I know that sounds like the wrong way round but that me I guess. The morning I woke up to find my left arm no longer worked I managed to get dressed and to go to work, I don’t remember even the slightest tear or anything other than a matter of fact attitude, and being annoyed as I burnt a tuft of hair off with my hair dryer, that distressed me more than loosing the use of an arm did. Back to front, no distress when I have knocked myself out, gouged cuts in my arms or any of the major things. I suppose they are all things that are out of my control so why get upset about it, it won’t help me or anyone else either. Maybe that is why I cope better than some others, when things go wrong I put my energy into how to work round it and with it, rather than what I can’t do any longer. I focus on life being as normal as possible and that is the normal I don’t like, but I use it as a gauge, it allows me to try and bring my life as much as possible in line with the rest of the world. I know they will never be equal again, and forcing myself now is to late, the damage is done, I just have to live to the fullest that I am now capable of and remember to be happy that I can do it at all, as one day, well I won’t be. How I cope when that happens well I guess we will see.