So let me think, not the lead to the most exciting blog you might think, well the only way to find out is to read on. I went on my memory trail earlier today, it’s something I do from time to time, it’s a great exercise for me and I expect for anyone else who has a slowly fading memory. I have a fear that the day will come when I won’t be able to find those memories, that they will be lost to me for ever. That is part of the reason I write so much and pour out details of my life that many would rather forget about.
There are loads of things in my home that to the casual observer would appear just to be a large collection of ornaments, the type of things you would find in any home. Many I know think my home is cluttered and if I am being fare it might be, but my clutter has a purpose. I know where everything is and yes I do mean everything, with my eyes shut I can find any single one of them. For a long time I didn’t even realise what I was doing, I told myself and anyone else that I bought so many things to display in my home because I liked them. Not totally a lie. I do love crystal, Thomas Webb, Georgian pattern if anyone is interested and yes I have getting close to a complete glass collection, for now it has stopped growing but I hope for not too long. I digress. The trail has two purposes one to check on locations the other is quite different, some things are here not to just look pretty but they have stories behind them and memories I have installed in them.
When I fist realised that I was going at some stage be housebound I started arranging things so that I will always hopefully be able to use to pull those memories back to the surface. I get extremely agitated when they are moved by cleaning but when I can’t remember all that goes with them I sit and looking at them or holding them until I do remember. I know that people with Parkinson’s are encouraged to put together a memory book or box, I have considered it but it doesn’t fit with the way I am. If I put something in a box, then that box has to be out of site and unfortunately ‘out of sight out of mind’ is becoming more than just a saying.
Multiple Sclerosis slowly causes what they call lesions on the brain, understandably as the brain is such a delicate thing, these lesions cause damage. That damage is clearly different for each person as there are no set areas where the lesions grow. For me clearly I have problems with memory, I know I have damaged to my left frontal lobe and part of this is an impairment to my emotions. This is to me one of the embarrassing things MS has done to me, I cry, I cry at all the wrong times. Anything that causes a sharp change in my mood or I find embarrassing or difficult to talk about I cry. Now dealing with a builder who has botched something is not the right time to cry but I would and did. I can’t imagine what will set me off in the future but I have visions of someone just saying hallo and I cry.
This morning when I was trailing round my living room I started to cry, I was simply holding a little silver cat and remembering my Siamese cat, who by the way died nearly 20 years ago, I cried. I now have a vision of me in the future sitting in permanent tear because everything I see causes some sort of emotion. They say god takes away with one hand and gives with the other, so have I found the reason why I am loosing my sight.