Normal abnormals

Shopping day again, it seems to come round so quickly although it is once a fortnight not weekly. I am just waiting to hear the van outside and the noise of sliding doors, followed by clanging sounds as the green plastic boxes hit the pavement. I always hear it long before the door bell rings ,and to an extent I even know which delivery guy is outside by the noises I hear, it strange how we learn these things, like when waiting for a friend to arrive we jump at the sound of a car, just in case it is them, but we know when they do arrive as we recognise the engine sound of their car, and the others, well we jump to them, as we don’t trust ourselves to get it right. I don’t remember being quite so good at it when I was mobile but it does seem to be a skill that has grown, the less able to look out the window the more my recognition has improved. They say that when you loose one sense another takes over, it may be my mobility that has gone, but my hearing and brain have worked together to form an alternative.

With the shopping due this morning I also know that Adam will be home for lunch today. Weather permitting, he will come home for a brief visit most days, but on shopping day he has taken to coming home regardless. The delivery men are great and they put into the kitchen the items that I have to put away there and then, the items for the fridge and freezer, but the rest is placed on the hallway floor, from there I pick up bits and pieces that I can lift and slowly put it away, taking some rest every few items. There are of course things that I can’t lift and move, I used to always just leave them on the floor in the hall and Adam would put them away in the evening, then suddenly for no reason I can think of, Adam suddenly decided that they were a danger to me. He thinks that with them there I might fall over them, it is something that worries him a lot, I know that. If for instance he is hoovering and leaves the hoover somewhere to do something else, he warns me it is there, in case I might some how not see an upright Dyson hoover and fall over it? So today all the heavy items, that I agree I might forget about, but would always see, have to be moved by him not for my safety but his peace of mind. It is really sweet of him and I know it is done out of love, but it makes me laugh as I hate to think what is going on in his head to see it as logical. I do wish that I could put his mind at rest over many small things, but I have tried and failed so many times that it is easier really to let him do what ever it is he feels he has to.

To date not one of the falls I have ever taken have been due to me tripping over or walking into anything. If I am to fall it is always for one of two reasons, either I have simply lost my balance, most likely when I am turning a corner or just as I am standing up, especially if I have been daft enough to kneel on the floor, my balance doesn’t seem to want to deal with the different shifting angles involved in the standing or bending process. The second reason is slightly more complex, I have vaso-vagal which means that my heartbeat can drop suddenly causing my blood pressure to drop and then I pass out. Some actions like holding my hands above my head, to say shut the curtains, but normally for no reason at all the nerve will be stimulated and over I go. The Doctor who diagnosed the vaso-vagal said it was most likely that my MS has damaged the nerve but it is something that also happens without any outside reason. What ever the cause the fact is I don’t fall over things, I just fall over as simple as that. It is one of the reasons that I stay close to walls and furniture as I have developed an art of more sliding down things, rather than simply hitting the floor, it saves me from knocking myself out which has happened in the past.

Falling is part of my life and it is strangely another of those things you learn to live with and find a way round i.e. my sliding down rather than falling. We all adjust and absorb these things into the new normal, but they remain a source of worry to those around us, it is hard to remember that at times. I doubt that Adam will ever see it as normal and I suppose that is one of the things I love about him, illness is an odd collection of abnormal normals.

Set to be exhausted

I’m running a little behind my normal scheduled today but for good reasons for a change. Skype came to life just as I had settled down to write, I have already been chatting with Tracey, this time with no tears, she is really back in my life. Strange how you can have things clear and ready to do something and then minutes later have no idea what it was and I know that isn’t just my MS but it’s a good excuse.

I had actually been sat here looking round my room and smiling. Adam has been true to his word and he has started to clean the house up. I am once again sitting looking at objects that sparkle rather than hide under dust, it means so much to me to be able to go from room to room and see things slowly turning into areas I am once again not just happy to be in but also where my memories are now beginning to match reality.

I know this morning was going to be busy as it is today that our fortnightly shopping arrives. For years, in fact I can actually say with confidence 12 years I have had all our shopping delivered to the house. I would recommend it to everyone as trailing through crowded supermarkets has never been something I enjoy. I was actually registered with 3 supermarkets in Glasgow waiting for them to extend their home-shopping network. I’m not going to advertise any supermarket here as your likes and dislikes in shopping are amazingly personal, but all 3 popped up as active in turn and all were tried until the next appeared. The results actually were all very similar and in the end my online shop is with the company I used to begin with.

I can’t recommend the whole system strongly enough, even if you are able bodied, it is a total joy in comparison to trailing round on a Saturday morning. I have never had anything but the freshest food, or the occasional and best substitutes if there was something I wanted but was out of stock. But the best bit is this, I pay them just £3.50, they do the leg work and carry it all up 3 flights of stair, bringing it all right to my kitchen floor and worktops. On a couple of occasions when I was having a bad day the delivery guys have actually put the fridge and freezer foods away for me, not in the right places but away. It would cost me five times that much just for taxis! I did check out and find a shopping system set up in Glasgow for elderly or disabled and they charge £15 for a small shop. It took me just 15 mins to send the order on line and they will deliver within a two hr slot that I chose. This to me is a no brainier. Over the rest of today I put away what I can leaving the heavy things like coke bottles and so on for Adam to deal with later.

By the time Adam calls to check I am OK I will be wiped out and ready to sleep. I know that I could have the shopping delivered when Adam is at home and he would be more than happy to do all of the work, but this is one of those silly little things that I can still sort of manage and I don’t feel totally useless at. There are strange little things that I hold onto and continue doing that logic says should have been long gone, but they strangely become inflated in there importance and remain as my domain. I will be exhausted later but it will be a good exhaustion as I will have achieved a small act of every day life.