I am happy to report that the pain in my leg eased as the day went on, it is now at about normal again, painful but not making things unbearable. It’s strange I am sure to anyone who isn’t themselves living with chronic pain to think that I describe what I know 10 years ago, would have had knocking at the hospital doors in the belief that I would be about to loose my leg, as normal. There are so many shades to that word, another word that doesn’t really say in detail what it means. Just like if I was asked how I am today I would say “I am fine”, but I am in the eyes of 10 years ago anything but. Normal moves with us through out our lives but it means so many different things, it is in fact a word I would take great pleasure in getting rid of but there is little to replace it with unless we all start using long sentences in it’s place.
Yesterday leg problem has left a shadow pain and numbness, it is too soon to try and assess if this is new damage or if it to will clear back again, but at the minute almost all of the top of my foot has a layer of numbness, and a feeling as thought it is swollen, which it isn’t. When I was trying to go to sleep yesterday in the afternoon, which I did eventually, I was not to surprisingly thinking about how I have for months being saying that that leg is not right and that I have feared in the past that it may stop working just as my left hand did several years ago. I still fear that it will go again and not return, but I have nothing to base that on at all. I guess once you have woken up to find a limb is dead and useless, it is a reasonable fear to have and to extend to other limbs. There are so many things that MS could do, but loosing both my hands to me would be the worst that I could imagine, I know it sounds silly to say I need my hands, but as I walk so little anyway, my legs don’t seem quite so important. All my limbs now are constantly a mix of pain, tingling and numbness, none are normal in the true sense of the word. They have all gone downwards over the past year, I have clearly lost strength and muscle tone, but it is to me the pain that worries me the most. Pain is there because there are lesions damaging those nerves, it is normally the start of a progresses over time and if they are attacking the nerve covering it is only time, before they cut the messages off and again something will be dead.
I know that ultimatum I will loose all four, something that I heard the mother of a young woman who was in the waiting room at the hospital, telling her not to think about things like that as it wouldn’t happen to her, she had to think positively. I’m sorry but I think that is total rubbish. I don’t think about it all the time, but trying to pretend that things aren’t happening makes no sense at all. I had to accept what illness I had, and accept everything that it could do along with that. Trying to hide from the truth, only prolongs the adjustment process, it has to be faced and faces earlier rather than later. Knowing the worse case scenario doesn’t make it happen, it just means you are ready for it when it does. The morning I woke to find I had a totally useless left hand didn’t stop me going into work that day, it was just something that had happened and I had to work out how to manage without it. Several months later it started to come back but the point is I didn’t panic, I knew it could happen and I wasn’t phased when it did, upset yes, but I got on with the job of living, after all that is why we are here to live, not morn constantly until we die.