Accepting Christmas and more

Monday morning and I woke to two legs in spasm! Since Friday they have been bad again, I had been lucky and they had settled over November just the odd spasm, rather than having the odd period of normality. All weekend they have been driving my nuts again, no position to sit or lie in where they will settle and just act like other peoples legs. Stress as we all know by now it behind this, and stress is what I had thrown at me on Friday, this is why yesterday I questioning is it worth it to keep going back when the result isn’t my getting better, but my getting worse. Everything seems to be out of kilter, I have had more problems with my dexterity and pains through out my body. When I went for a sleep yesterday afternoon, I at first just couldn’t settle, I had so many twitch and spasms that sleep seemed impossible, it actually proved just how tired I was, as eventually I drifted off, somewhere around the point I was asking myself if I should just get up for the twentieth time.

I was really in two minds about returning to the hospital yesterday, I know I have to go and that is the beginning and the end of it, but I can’t stop wondering how many people just never go back because of experiences like mine. Adam is going to speak to his boss this morning to see who it is exactly we should complain to, the treatment I was given, is simply not right for any patient. Transport for the immobile is essential and although I am not sure what I can do to change it but I am going to give it my best shot, I am not a person who moans and does nothing, regardless of my health and the fact I can’t get out there and meet any of them, what I can do is make a pest of myself, until someone gets so fed-up hearing from me that they take some action. I really do have to try not just for myself, but for all those who can’t complain themselves, which I fear there are all to many of. One of the things I was thinking or was to send the email not just to the NHS but also at the same time to the local papers and if I can find the right ones some of the investigative TV programs as well, it is always amazing how bringing in the media makes some people actually take real action.

My stomach and gut still hasn’t settled, I have had two days of trying to eat normally but it really doesn’t like it, last night I thought that I would have some yoghurt at about 8:15, I ate about a third of a large pot, and enjoying it very much, but by 8:45 I felt so ill I had to go to my bed. This morning I have had my breakfast and again I have pains all through the top half of my gut, I know it just has to settle as what has happened to it isn’t exactly something it was designed to put up with, but this is day three!

I have had that itchy feeling that I should be doing something and I know it has everything to do with it being December! I used to take a weeks holiday at the end of November, just so I could give the house a really good clean, including things like shampooing the carpets and washing walls. Something I am sure I got from my mother, but I was itching to do it and I still am!!! It is one of the silly things that get to you when you can’t do it. I was always so house proud and I actually loved doing housework, there was to me no feeling in the world like making everything clean and shiny then sitting back and just looking at it, that is all I can do now, look at it. Once cleaned I know my home was ready for Christmas and everything else would take care of itself. I know that I can be very old fashioned at times when it comes things like that, but you can’t change who you are inside. I may have had to accept, but accepting has nothing to do with liking, liking is a million miles apart and I doubt I will ever like it.