I’m here

I thought that I should add a quick post just to reassure those who kindly worry about me when I disappear unannounced, that I am still alive and as well as possible. The last few weeks have been none stop and totally exhausting. Every time that I have dared to think that we are heading towards the possibility of normality, yet another workman or disaster has entered our lives. What I dared to think what going to be a ten-day whirlwind flying through our home, still hasn’t left.

Before I embarked on our grand plan of restoring and updating our home, I thought that I had every little detail planned. I just hadn’t planned for just how stressful the whole thing was going to be. Honestly, I would far rather move house twice over, than go through the last two weeks again. I wasn’t stupid enough to think that it would be stress-free, but there was a new form of intense stress that I hadn’t allowed for. My plans hadn’t allowed for the fact that I would feel an ever increasing guilt on top of all of it. When you are stuck in a wheelchair, inside a flat that is already tight to navigate, having ladders, pots of paint, tool boxes, and wrinkled dust sheets obstructing even the simplest trip and back makes life hell. Constantly having to ask people to stop whatever they were doing to move this or that, or to assist me, slowly pushed me into the position of trying to hide all the time, but when hidden, I was having to ask Adam to fetch and carry for me. I felt like a useless lump that was quite simply a burden and in everyone’s way. With every new drop of guilt, the stress levels rose and I was constantly on the edge of either screaming or crying.

The actual painting only took four days, something that still amazes me. Adam has been a wonder, not only was he stripping rooms of all the contents, relocating them in another, but he took on the task of washing every ornament and piece of crystal, which I have rather a lot of, before putting them back to where they came from. While I did nothing, except for getting more and more tired, something that I still am. Oddly, it didn’t end when the painters left. Yes, our home was freshly painted and more vibrant than I have seen it for years, but a week on from their departure, we embarked on having the kitchen floor replaced, another task that sounds easy, but stretched over two days rather than one, with a weekend of nothing in between. Each and every day of which, meant the kitchen was out of bounds. Tomorrow heralds the day when I will, at last, have access to the whole of our home for the first time in two weeks. Despite the fact that I am desperate to set to putting the whole room back to how it should be, I honestly don’t think that I have the energy to do the one thing I had planned all along as my job, sorting out those final touches, that makes it our home.

As we cleared each room before handing it over to the painters, I took the time to thin out my crystal collection. This, of course, means I have to rearrange everything. I was really looking forwards to it, now, I just feel over whelmed by it. It doesn’t matter how much I have slept in the last days, tiredness has taken over and I feel as though I could sleep forever. Physically, I have spent two weeks doing nothing, yes, mentally, I have been stressed to my limit so here I am feeling, even more, guilt as Adam rushes around after a full day of work, trying to do what I should be doing. The work isn’t over, but we are taking a break to get what is, right, before we find and have laid a new hall carpet and the new curtains for the bedroom. Every single thing that I have bought or paid for to get our home sorted has been documented, so if asked, I can show where my mothers money has gone. I did though allow myself around £400 to spend on some picture for both the bedroom and dining area, extravagance they might say that wasn’t essential, but to me, they are the things I didn’t get from her as objects. Not that she would have had them in her home, but memorials if you like. In a few years, the house will need redecorating and flooring replaced, but the pictures I bought, will still be with me.

I promise that I will write again soon when I will hopefully have more energy, and the true inspiration to write rather than a dashed off, slightly muddled note.