I’m back

It has been some time since I last made an addition to my blog and I apologise to any who have been fretting as to my well being. I assure you all that I am fine, I quite simply found myself suddenly not wanting to write. Every time that I tried, and believe me I did, nothing came out, there was nothing there. After 5 years of constant updates, not only did I have nothing to say, but I had this great desire to simply take a break, to not write, to do anything other than that one thing, so that’s exactly what I did. I never intended for one second for it to be as long as it has been, but what is it they say about best-laid plans?

The first couple of weeks went just as I thought they would. I found silly games to play online until I found one that pulled me in and suddenly I was addicted. Days passed with easy, so much ease that it was almost scary. I think it was around the start of week three when Adam suddenly had an accident that damaged his back severely. It wasn’t like he did anything that you would expect to cause such an injury, he simply stood up from sitting on the settee and that was it, he was in excruciating pain. He couldn’t stand, he couldn’t sit and he couldn’t walk without pain like he had never known before. Suddenly, he was in my world.

Like many out there, he thought he knew, especially as he had witnessed what has been happening to me, over the past 17 years, exactly what chronic pain was. As each day passed, the pain he was in was wearing him down but still his admiration for the way I cope grew, yet oddly, he was reluctant to take any of my advice. Just as I once had been, he was determined to work it all out for himself and I became more and more helpless just watching him struggle. Unlike me, Adam has this thing about not taking tablets. For as long as I have known him, it has been a battle just to get him to take an aspirin, convinced that it would do damage far worse than what it would cure. It was the middle of week three, and only because his doctor had prescribed them that he started to take high levels of ibuprofen and codeine, but only when the pain was at it’s worst.

Adam has been my carer for so long that finding myself having to care for him the best I could, was hard. Not the caring bit as I totally love him, but there is so little that someone can do from a wheelchair to aid another, especially someone who is finding it hard to walk. Yes, because of my electric chair I could do much of the running around in the house, but I was totally unable to support or aid even one of his steps where ever he had to take it, and the emotional support that he needed was draining. My energy levels aren’t great and when you have to repeat over and over again the same things you said just an hour ago, well I simply didn’t always have the patience he needed from me, and he needed a lot of it. I found those five weeks of holding him up, amazingly hard work. Not too surprisingly, there were a couple of points when I did snap, like the day through his tears he said: “What am I going to do if I can’t ever walk again?” I did kind of go through the roof on that one, but I think I was justified.

After weeks of physio and doctors prodding and checking, he is now fully mobile again, but the support is still going on as they discovered halfway through his recovery that he has high blood pressure and I do mean high!. He had been at work when he started to feel really ill and he phoned me to tell me what was going on. He’d only been back at work for about a week, but all I could do was tell him to speak to his boss, then come home. It was over an hour before he phoned me again. His boss had called one of the nurses to his office and she had taken his blood pressure. Straight away he was sent out to the main hospital in Glasgow for an ECG, why that couldn’t be done in the one he works in, I still don’t understand. By the time he got there, it had lowered, but was far from low enough.

We have been going from one medical disaster to another, mine being fitted around his as they occurred. As I said, don’t worry, I’m OK, for me, it was just all the normal stuff that makes up my life, but finding the time to relax or to rebuild the energy that I needed to get through each day, has been hard and sometimes impossible. At times I have been so tired that doing anything other than playing those banal games, has been totally beyond me. I have sat here hour after hour, connecting numbers, stacking different sized boxes, eating snakes and all those other free games that are out there. I have sat here quiet simply happy to let the hours tick by and looking forwards to when I could next just go to my bed and sleep. Because Adams health has generally been so good, I had forgotten what it was like trying to be me alongside being his carer. I know there are a lot of people out there who do this daily, handle their own health along with that of their partners, but it’s all new for me.

High blood pressure is a chronic condition that can be handled with ease by taking medication. Not something that Adam finds easy and has no intention of doing for the rest of his life. He knows that he has to lose weight, something he is doing well at, he is already over a stone down but upping his exercise levels isn’t going so well. I am finding it so hard not to nag him, as I know he doesn’t respond well to that, either mentally or with the level of his blood pressure. I can see now that he has probably had this problem in the background for a while as trust me, I can see when it flares. I know that if I could just get out there with him, go swimming with him or just on long walks, that it would be easier for him, but I’m trapped here in the house unable to support him any more than do. I am such and easy excuse for him to use, as doing any of those things that are good for him, would mean leaving me behind and once again alone and he doesn’t like that. Somehow we will work it out, we always do.

So now you know what has kept me away. What was supposed to be a short restful holiday, has been anything but, but I’m back and I’m happy to be here.