Now I feel

I realised a couple of months ago that I was no longer able to react logically to anything when it happened, for some reason, I have developed more than delayed reactions, it’s as though my reactions to anything and everything that really matters, is almost at a standstill. Two weeks ago, I wrote a post that was far more a case of writing about something that happened, than something that had feeling behind it. There was really no true feeling there towards something that most people would be scared of, but all I felt was nothing more than curiosity. Looking back, from the very first time I found things happening to me at night that I couldn’t explain, I should have been scared by what was happening to me, but I wasn’t. At the worst, I was a little unnerved, but now, at last, my true feelings have shown themselves, and they did so thanks to another bizarre episode, and my favorite district nurse arrived to give me my enema this morning.

For those who don’t have a clue what I am talking about, I will fill you in briefly. About four weeks ago, I found myself for the first time waking at night sitting on the edge of my bed, without knowing how I got there, and unable to wake up. My head drops forwards and the snap will wake me, just long enough to lift my head up and then I’m gone again. I can go through that up to five or six times until I can actually stay awake. Due to the fact, I started wetting the bed a couple of months ago, any time that I wake at night, I get up and go to the loo. This whole palaver can happen up to four times on any one night and at its worst, 4 or 5 times a week. Then two weeks ago, the oddity that made me write my post happened. I had gone for a cigarette after I had been to the loo, one second I was sitting between puffs, the next, it was three hours later. I was doubled up in my wheelchair and the pain in my back was unbearable, I also felt incredibly sick. It was odd, very odd but I put it down as just one of those nutty things that happen.

As I said, delayed reactions, as anyone with normal reactions would have started worrying just because they kept waking up sitting on the edge of their bed, unable to wake up. I didn’t react at all, in fact, it wasn’t until the third night of it happening that I even mentioned it to Adam, and I did so just in passing. When I feel asleep in the kitchen, well I told him the next day, but again, I wasn’t concerned, as I said, it was an oddity, all I wanted was an answer and there didn’t appear to be one. Several people left comments with suggestions on my post, but the person who was or had gone through the same wasn’t there.

In the early hours of Sunday, once again I was sat on the edge of my bed, and once again, I went to the loo, but I didn’t leave the bathroom under my own power. No, I didn’t fall asleep sat on the loo, that wouldn’t have made me worried, that would have been explainable, well sort of, what happened was far stranger. I can remember going to the loo, even taking care to ensure my incontinence pad was correctly placed and that my dressing gown was tightly around me before I sat back in my wheelchair. I had negotiated the awkward twist in the bathroom, and there was just one push to take before I would be able to open the door. That was where I went to sleep. In mid-action, I went to sleep. Adam had heard me going into the bathroom as he was still up watching TV, he came through to see if I was OK after 15 minutes. The first thing I remember was when him talking to me, and the warmth of his hand on my shoulder, the bathroom was freezing. I had to fight to bring myself to a level of being able to talk to him and even then, I know I was totally confused and not with it at all. Adam was the person to bring me out of the bathroom.

On Sunday, well, of course, Adam and I talked about it, but what could we say, and I still wasn’t reacting, I was still just confused about the whole thing. No fear, something that would have been completely logical, there was nothing. Somewhere though in the back of my mind, I think it was beginning, because there was this notion that maybe, just maybe, I should speak to my doctor. When the nurse arrived this morning, I was so pleased to see that it was the nurse who had been the first one to come out to see me. I blurted out the whole thing, and as I did, the fear appeared and the feeling of tears that I was determined not to let out, as if I did, well, I don’t think I could have stopped them. The reaction, the feelings that should have been there all along, suddenly appeared. I told her things that I didn’t think I had thought about. The fact that I am scared of what might happen if I fell asleep when standing, or transferring to and from my wheelchair. The possibility that I might lean too far forward when asleep and that I could fall out of my chair or off the edge of my bed. The chance that I might actually start falling asleep during the day, and the dangers that could put me in, as I’m alone. The probability that I could find myself actually needing the panic alarm we had fitted. I even blurted out a theory that I haven’t the slightest idea where it came from, that I might have a lesion growing near my sleep center. Between us, I decided to phone the doctor.

Talking to the doctor, had exactly the same effect. He didn’t have a clue what was happening, but he did talk me into going to see my neuro, someone I gave up seeing seven years ago. I’d had enough of being smiled at and told to come back in a year. I’m scared. Not just by what is happening, but by what might happen, and the implications it could have on my life. My mind has been racing since I broke through to my feelings and my overactive brain that has been searching for answers and possibilities. I’m even wondering if this could be the answer to why my memory has suddenly become so bad, could I be blanking out, and therefore not remembering what has been said, or what I have or haven’t been doing. Is that possible? Or am I thinking too much and just suddenly desperate for answers. Well, I could have weeks to wait until I get to see the neuro’s. I guess I have a lot of time to theorise, think and now actually feel.


Please read my blog from 2 years ago today – 04/10/2014 – Posture failure

Throughout yesterday I spent some time, in between everything else to do a little research on Google, I honestly wish I had a medical degree and didn’t find medical reports so boring, but they are always the best place to find out the truth. I generally give all the patient sites a body swerve as they are all sugar coated and written in a fashion supposed not to worry people, in other words….