“I wet the bed.” “Last night, I, wet the bed.” I’ve been saying it over and over in my head all morning, as I honestly don’t believe what happened, but it did. I had woken just after 4 am as I was freezing. When I pulled back my sleep mask the reason was clear, I had totally thrown the duvet onto the floor. Something else I don’t believe, but there it was, just holding onto one corner by my right foot. The solution was simple, sit up and pull it back over myself. Once I laid back down, I started running the idea of going back to sleep, now that I was warm. Sleep glorious sleep. Then I remembered that I have been having a mild issue with leakage, nothing much, a few drops or at the worst, an eggcup full passed as I tried to reach the bathroom. I didn’t feel like going at all, but I decided that it was better to be safe, rather than sorry, so once more I sat up, this time, I swung my legs over the edge, and I put my hand on a wet patch a the side of the mattress. I knew that I must have been overheating, because of the position of the duvet, but this was too wet, and not where I expected it to be. It was then that I realised my lower back was wet, and I swung my arm behind me, the bed was soaking. Not damp, it was soaking wet. Clearly, “I had wet the bed”.

I’ve always known it was a future possibility, so much so, we had been stockpiling spare sheets, each time I bought a new set for the bed. Somehow, though, I never thought it would have been like this. If I hadn’t thrown the duvet off me, I would have just kept sleeping, totally unaware of it all. But here I was, awake and wet, with a wet bed. I headed for the loo, to be sure that my bladder was empty, and to wash myself down with the wipes I carry in the bag hung on my wheelchair. It was only 4:16, I couldn’t wake Adam, not this early, but what could I do? I don’t have the strength to change all the bedding, but I had to do something, I just wasn’t sure what?

After chain smoking three cigarettes, I headed back to the bedroom. There was an old towel that I found the other day, in the bottom of the wardrobe, when I was sorting out my draws. When I found it, I didn’t have a clue, where it had come from or why I had it at all. I was so confused that I brought it out and placed it on the kitchen counter, to see if Adam knew the answer. At first, he too questions, then remembered. When we redid the bathroom, about 6 years ago now, I had spent quite a lot on a really good set of towels. We hadn’t had them a month, when Adam washed two of them, along with some black socks. They were ruined. He spent days trying to find them online, without telling me anything about it. Eventually, he found them and bought two replacements and snuck them into the cupboard. Then told me. He knew that I had not only invested a lot of money in the bathroom but also a lot of time and creativity. He also knew that I wouldn’t be amused by his carelessness. He was right, but I would have just done, exactly what he did, replaced them, the difference being, I knew where I bought them. The towel in my wardrobe was one of those, one I put there, for exactly the possibility that I might wet the bed.

There was some kind of strange thing going on here, that last week, I found the very towel that I needed to be able to sleep, and that was just what I did. There was one thought though in my head as I drifted off, I had to somehow wake around 7am, not the 8:30 that the alarm was set for. Another thing that I can’t do, I can reset the alarm. It was all down to luck. 7am on the nail, I woke. I got dressed knowing that my next task was waking Adam and facing him, while I told him what had happened overnight. I found myself feeling just as I guess my son Christopher must have done when he came to tell me that he had done the same overnight. No scared, because no one was told off, just upset that it had happened. As I said, we knew that this day would come, I have had issues with my bladder from almost the start, but that didn’t make it any easier. The sheet, towel and the two mattress toppers went through the washing machine and tumble dryer. I had it all done before Adam came home. He had set the first load running, and then placed the rest, where I could manage it from my chair.

My body is falling apart at a speed I never expect it to. Since January, I have hardly gone past a couple of weeks, without something else causing me problems. Yesterday, I posed the possibility that there is a new lesion on my spine, today, I really think, that is the issue. From my neck down, I am falling apart at full speed, and yes, I have been sat here with tears running down my face, as I have been writing this. There were none earlier, something I don’t understand. I know that Adam was ready for them, as he kept coming across to me and holding me. He even phoned half way through the morning, but the tears didn’t appear until I started to write. I can’t wait to see what it will do to me next.

Please read my blog from 2 years ago today – 21/06/2014 – There is no control

I had to go to my bed early last night, I just couldn’t stay awake any longer and I felt like I would die on the spot, well die might be an exaggeration, pass out would be much closer. Most of the day I had been struggling, it was difficult to feel anything about anything, but I guess it was to be expected following the morning I had. I was right, sitting writing did make it all worse as within an hour or so, I began to just feel like I have been all week, but the exhaustion was somehow deeper, as though…..