It’s hard to get right

It has been odd not spending my afternoon’s writing, so odd that I constantly checked the time, just to believe that I really was still on track with my day. My routine is so deeply etched into my soul now, that not doing what I have done every day for four years, felt like I was back in childhood, doing something wrong and waiting to be caught. I honestly had to stop myself from starting my next post or writing the piece that I have promised to another website. Yes, I am still adding in things to put just that bit more pressure on myself. I did though have the sense to tell them I wasn’t going to work to a deadline and if they wanted a piece, well it had to be at my pace, no theirs.

There was another change that I had yesterday, I ate a lunch cooked and prepared by Adam. Normally at lunchtime, I either have something bought in and cold, or I have cereal, but at the start of the week, out of nowhere, I suddenly had a craving for pasta, mayonnaise, sweetcorn and tuna, all things I knew were in the house. I had to fight off the temptation to just make it, but I remember all too clearly, that I have had far too many pans blackened with pasta stuck firmly on the bottom, so I resisted. I waited for Adam to come home and to cook it for me, and because he offered, to do the rest as well, I let him. In general, I’m not a fan of Adams cooking. It has far more to do with the things he chooses or offers to cook for me, than the cooking itself. I am really not a fan of fish finger drenched in vinegar and salad cream or anything else off the somewhat kindergarten concoctions he enjoys. If he were to buy or prepare for me a portion of sushi, or baked camembert with black pudding, well, I will enjoy every scrap. I was sure, though, that there was little harm he could do to my request, as long as he didn’t let the pasta go soggy, which is the way he likes it. Not only did he do a good job, that I really enjoyed, but he kept telling me all evening how nice it was to be allowed to cook for me. It is one of the few things that I rarely let him do, due to my list of really good reasons.

I had just finished eating my lunch when the phone rang, it was Adam, calling as he always does if it’s raining and he isn’t coming home. For once, he wasn’t so worried about me, as he was as to if I enjoyed my food. I think I have let a monster out of the bag, as he was also offering to buy more sweetcorn so he can make some more. I am just waiting to see when and if, he can come up with something palatable so he can keep cooking. I hadn’t realised that such as small thing, as asking him to boil some pasta for me, could inspire and be something that has a clear meaning and such an importance to him. He offers all the time and I honestly only turn him down for one of two reasons, it’s too late in the day, or I quite honestly can’t stomach whatever it is, he is planning to make. When you don’t have a great appetite, whatever you do eat, has to appeal. My fall back, for when there is nothing that I fancy is always cereal, I seem to be able to always eat that. Otherwise, it has to tick all the boxes on flavour, textures, and also appearance, or all I will do is pick at it and land up, not really eat at all. For Adam, if a meal doesn’t have a huge portion of animal based protein, there’s no point eating it. It along with everything else on the plate has to be cooked, to within an inch of its life, as it means he doesn’t need to chew it. Our approach to food is at different ends of the scale, but I so wish they weren’t, as I can clearly see the pleasure he gains, from this one small act.

Resting is something that I am having to teach myself how to do. Trust me, it is a hard thing for someone who has spent their entire life, running as fast as their bodies will allow them. Even though I am so tired that doing anything is testing, I have found it so difficult, to do almost nothing. I knew true “nothing” was a long way off possible, that just isn’t me, but stopping myself from doing anything beyond the minimum online, has been hard. That’s why I started with two days without writing. Even though it was challenging, I honestly needed it more than I actually knew. I have slept each afternoon and when awake, I just sat playing gentle games like Sadako, to occupy my mind, yet still at the end of both days, I was as tired as I started.

My exhaustion has been so clear to see, that even Adam went into one of his worry wart states. I don’t know what you’re like, but when I am this tired, I am also not exactly talkative, nor is my ability to follow conversations at it’s best. Adams answer is to chatter away to me, about everything and anything, in all honesty at times, I haven’t had a clue about what. Because I haven’t answered with vibrant responses, he got it in his head yet again, that there was a problem between us. I guess this happens at least once a month, but with me the way that I am just now, it appeared quicker than usual. Just as I was going to bed the other night, he stopped chattering, went serious and asked: “Have I done something to upset you?”. I have heard those words so many times, and my answer has and probably always will be the same, “No”. My brain is so far away just now, that my being quiet, isn’t something I even notice. I hate the idea that my health makes him think that way. He is the last person on this planet that I ever want to hurt, but finding the ways to put his mind at rest constantly, when my body and mind are locked up as they are, is tough. I don’t think there is anything much crueler that I can think of, than the fact, that my chronic illness, keeps hurting him.


Please read my blog from 2 years ago today – 21/05/2014 – The child within us

I was on one of my picture searches earlier today and for some reason I can’t remember now I put in a search for the house I grew up on, Friendville. The same search a couple of years ago brought up absolutely nothing, today, well it is flooded with information and photo’s. It just shows you what the power of a business has over the web. It still hurts slightly, to know that it is a glorified hotel, rather than a family home these days, as well families truly care about every stone of the place they live, businesses see then as assets and nothing more. I went through their website…..