I don’t know exactly what is going on today, but I feel as though I am all over the place. It started with what I thought was just spasms in my diaphragm, nothing new there, but very quickly my guts decided to join in and just as quickly I began to feel ill. My oxygen levels are all over the place and are not being corrected for more than a few seconds, by my inhalers. If that wasn’t enough, I am also getting blasts of intercostal spasms, not their normal unbreakable hugs, just blinding shots, then gone. Once again, the metoclopramide isn’t stopping me from feeling sick and my abdomen is distended and tight. Just for an extra level of fun, I have spots of intense pain throughout my left arm. One where it attaches to my neck, another just above my elbow and on the inner side of my arm and the final one, at my wrist and into my thumb. Every movement I make, even just typing this is agony, about four minutes ago, I took a morphine booster, and I’m longing for it to kick in.

I never really know what to do for the best when my body goes mad. It really loves to take things to the limit, as my bladder is now giving me messages that I have to move to the bathroom. How? I don’t know if you’ve ever tried wheeling yourself single-handed, but I can tell you, it doesn’t work. Once the Morphine takes a bit more of this pain away, which it’s starting to now, I’ll be able to remove some of that abdominal pressure I’m feeling. This for me isn’t that unusual, including the arm pain. It’s the one single part of it that I can’t put 100% down to my PRMS, it could be, I’m just not totally sure. Not being sure is just one of those joys I live with, if it were all happening to anyone else, I would suggest an ambulance, but it’s not anyone else, it’s me.

I have often thought that I could be sitting here quietly dying from something like a heart attack, especially when my chest is so tight and so painful that I can’t breathe easily. It has entered my head several times, but what do you do, call an ambulance ten, to fifteen times a week, just in case? I think I would be listed as a loony who isn’t to have an ambulance sent out to, very quickly. But I don’t have a clue how to tell these things apart. No one ever sits you down and says, this is what to expect and here are the oddities, that don’t belong, look out for these and call help, if they happen. It’s not only heart attacks that I’ve thought about, the list is actually endless if you sit and think about it. Any condition that is signaled by pain could quite easily, be mimicked or hidden by MS. There isn’t any part of me, that doesn’t have pain of one sort or another, but no one knows, not even me, if it’s actually safe pain or deadly dangerous. It’s all guess work.

That shouldn’t really surprise me or anyone else. We are all given a diagnosis then patted on our head and sent out into this brave new world, armed with nothing more than a few tablets, and a desire to read everything online that might help. That actually has to be the most stupid thing about our health. Doctors really don’t like us investigating for ourselves, but they don’t tell us anything. What do they really think we are going to do? Do they really think that we are going to totally ignore the greatest resource tool known to man when they give us nothing? Yes, once again I have been searching, looking for someone else out there with any form of MS, who has found themselves feeling as I do this morning. I’ve found nothing. That, though, is no guarantee that it isn’t totally MS. I have lost count of the number of times I have been sent for tests for this or that, and eventually been told, it must be your PRMS. Is it any surprise that I now err on that side, before I even start to think it could be any different.

On the good side, I have been for a pee, the morphine has taken away the worst of the pain. No, not all of it, but it never does. The second dose of metoclopramide has stopped me wanting to throw up, which is a total blessing, I still think there is nothing worse, so in general, I’m feeling that bit better. Another morning in my life. Another morning spent wondering about pains that probably mean nothing. Another morning of just wanting to go to my bed and vanish, with the hope that I’d wake feeling better. Most of all, though, it’s another morning of absolutely no idea of what the hell is going on. What else can I do, but smile at Adam, tell him the world is fine and hope that I start to believe it.

Please read my blog from 2 years ago today – 03/05/2014 – Unchanged values

It’s another bank holiday weekend, which of course means I have three days ahead of me rather than the normal two of snoring from the settee, well at least he is happy. Apart from myself, who at least has an excuse, I have never known anyone who can sleep as much as Adam does. I used to think he would grow out of it as it is usually something even men grow out of in time, but well he is well in his 30’s now and still no sign of it. When we met I thought the 17 year age gap was so huge that it would never be breached but here we are 15 years on and if I am totally honest the age gap, has now closed, I no longer find myself biting my tongue…….