Seeing the truth

Yesterday really shook me up. Even now, more than 24 hours later, I can’t believe what happened to me, and how out of control our own bodies can get. I never once imagined that my muscles could while I was awake, actually do such things. It was bad enough when my limbs were out of my control, but when my own voice started making involuntary sounds, well I was more than a little shook up. All day yesterday, I was kind of waiting for it to happen again, of course, it didn’t, but I was waiting. Although the twitches and tremors had died back to what I would call normal, small sporadic actions that do no actual harm, where my limbs sort of shake rather than jump, I spent the whole day on edge. The weakness that I had experienced hadn’t vanished though, but I was at least able to stand for a few seconds without having to grab hold of something out of fear. Even when I wrote my blog yesterday, I hadn’t really grasped the magnitude of what had happened, or the impact, that it had had on me. I am so used to just taking things in my stride, just telling myself that it didn’t matter and that I could deal with it, but this was different. I guess the day had to come when something happened that I wasn’t ready for, something that actually truly freaked me out. I think I spent the whole day in a state of bravado, even to myself.

I did what I always do when I’m not sure of myself, I kept myself busy. I did anything that would distract me from thinking, the second I had finished every part of my daily routine, I headed straight into playing games. Not too much of a surprise, that every game I played, I was scoring the most terrible scores. My brain just wasn’t able to hold well to anything. I actually read back yesterday’s blog this morning and had to rewrite parts of it, as in places my words just didn’t flow. I also had some huge grammatical and spelling mistakes, that I just hope my readers will forgive me for. I think it was then, that I realised that bravado only works when people can actually see you, writing has a huge flaw, it’s permanent.

I guess that life is just getting to me at the minute and as always, once I am under pressure, everything about me goes wrong. PRMS is like that, let life wind you up and it flares into doing whatever it can to make things worse. But this time, it’s timing really stinks. Adam needs me to be strong right now, because of his mother’s mastectomy, we now have a date, it’s the beginning of next months, so not too long to wait now. Adam is wound up and feels useless as always, he is desperate to do something to help, but knows there is nothing he can do is stressing him out. I have watched his stress levels growing, which as always, means I begin to stress. I sent her flowers last week, with a note that said, “We more than many, know what it’s like to wait”. I knew that post her op, everyone will send flowers, visit and so on, but right now, is when the pressure is really on her, she would be feeling supported, but also very alone, willing them just to get on with it. I think being given the date yesterday will help her. As for Adam, well I’m the only person he had to turn to. I told him yesterday that he should tell his boss, that way, should his Mum need him, they might look favourably towards him taking time off. I also hoped that it would open up another channel if he needed it, someone else to talk to, which is exactly what he said they offered.

Add in my being stressed over the broadband, which I know to many people isn’t something to stress over, but to me, not having it is like the removal of my life. It’s not fixed, but it’s a lot better than it was, which doesn’t stop me from checking it’s speed all the time. Just to add to lifes problems, Adam discovered last night that the shower isn’t working, so we now have to find either someone to fix it or the money for a new one, it’s just one more hassle, that we really don’t need. It means, either way, more strangers in my home, more people to deal with and more stress. On the good side, Adam does have a few days planned off next week, so if we can get it all done over the weekend, or at least at the start of the week, I won’t be facing it alone. If that wasn’t enough, in just three days time, I will be having my PIP assessment. Something else that could totally change our lives. Neither of us really know what to expect, of course, we’ve checked it out online, but that doesn’t mean we really know what it will be like. The good side is, of course, that they will be here in our home, so they can really see and appreciate the problems that I am faced with daily. Life right now is one growing stress over another. Then on top of all of that, my body decides to go mad. Now it’s my body, I will no matter what it does deal with it, but right now, what worries me, is its effect on Adam. He really doesn’t need to be worrying about me on top of all of it, but he will.

Life just doesn’t seem to be giving us a break, or even the breathing space between things. It is only April and I can honestly say that since the beginning of the year it has been problem, after problem, after problem. All I want is a few weeks, when life is just its normal boring self, is that too much to ask for?


Please read my blog from 2 years ago today – 23/04/2014 – Does it matter?

You would think that a pain that started 35 years ago would by now have lessened and turned into something that I would by able to remember without shedding tears, it appears not. Yesterday was my sons Jeffery’s birthday, I made a point when I was writing my post to not mention it, as I was to busy telling myself off for the tears I had quietly already shed. Then last night we were watching “Eastenders”, one of the main characters had died and her father was talking about how he remembered the day she was born, well that was it, the tears flowed. I have always made a point of taking the 21st of work, just for that reason, it is a day when without warning and with very little needed to trigger all the pain of his life and the tears appear, regardless how hard I try to hold them back. I think from that point on until I fell asleep, the odd tear was…..

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