Over the next few weeks, I’m going to have to find the strength to support Adam, it’s my turn, to step up and be strong. A couple of days ago, he had a phone call from his mother, she wanted to meet up with him after work for a coffee. There was nothing unusual about that, it’s something that happens every month or so. She lives a good 40 miles outside of Glasgow and as we don’t have a car, they don’t see each other as often as they did when she lived just down the road. As she was going to be in the city to see some friends she thought it was a good opportunity. Adam agreed, but told her that he wasn’t going to stay too long, as he wanted to be home for me, I told him to stop being so stupid and just spend some time with her. It doesn’t matter how often I tell him that, he always sees his place as with me, not with his family.
I had actually forgotten yesterday that he was meeting her. Nothing unusual there then, but when the time reached 6:15, I was wondering where he was. Then it clicked in and I settled myself to the fact he had taken my advice for once. I was though still a little surprised when 7 pm came and passed and he still wasn’t here. When the front door did open, within seconds I knew there was something not right as he was wound up and frenetic, the tone of his voice said that life had somehow changed. His mum had found out last week that she has breast cancer and will be having a mastectomy in a couple of weeks. She hadn’t found a lump or anything herself, but she had realised that since she moved from the city, she hadn’t had an appointment to go for breast screening. She had been to see her doctor about something else and mentioned it then. It was at the following appointment that they found two lumps in one of her breasts. The needle biopsy proved that one is cancerous and the second contains precancer tissue. There is no sign at all that it has spread, but to be on the safe side, they are going to perform a mastectomy, a simultaneous reconstruction, followed by chemo.
Clearly Adam has a lot to settle in his mind. As his mother pointed out and he knew inside, if it were serious, she would have been in the hospital at that moment, not sitting drinking coffee with him. I think Adam was as he always is when someone doesn’t let him in until something is a done deal, he is tied up inside, because he feels like he should have been there to support her through it. As I said to him, she wanted to know all the details, before telling anyone else, just to have it all settled in her own mind, so she knew just what was happening and what to say. I understand that fully, as I have to admit, I am very similar in that way. It was something that I also know Adam didn’t like when I was going through the diagnosis process, I went to all the appointments, except the final one, by myself. By the time I saw him a couple of hours later, I had my head around it and I was ready to support him though what they said, but he felt, he should have been supporting me. We all want to protect those we love and to make it as easy as possible for us all, it’s just some of us like to do it in our own way.
Because I know him, I also know that he will just tie himself up in knots, and there is nothing in this case that I can do about that. To make things worse, I’m still waiting for a fresh appointment for my breast screening, something that originally should have been done and dusted over six weeks ago. Which is something that I am sure has come up in his mind just as it did mine.
When things like this happen, it makes everyone feel useless, if you happen to be ill yourself, fighting your own battles, you feel it even more. What can I do, other than just be there, as my totally useless self? I can’t make him nice meals, run around being generally caring, all I can do is try and find the right words when they are needed. Even then, it is limited by a brain that won’t co-operate, that won’t give what is needed, not because I don’t want it to, but just because I can’t. I want so much to be able to give to them both, but I can’t, I can’t even find enough for myself. Even last night, all I wanted was to be there for him, so I tried to stay up just a little later than usual. My body wasn’t going to play, it just shut me down and as sleep was taking over, I had no choice other than to go to my bed. Useless, I couldn’t even manage to stay awake for him. Even right now, I’m just sat here, doing what I always do, because I can’t do anything else. If I were to go and just sit beside him, I know without a doubt, that once more sleep would take over, as I’ve been fighting with it all morning. I’m feeling nauseous and in pain, but that’s the life of someone with chronic illness, being a
If I were to go and just sit beside him, I know without a doubt, that once more sleep would take over, as I’ve been fighting with it all morning. Sitting doing nothing, would just be the final invitation for sleep to once more take over. I’m nauseous and in pain, the normal everyday life of someone with chronic illness, being a carer on top, is that step too far. If my body knows how to do one perfectly, then that’s how to be useless in every possible way. Despite that, whatever happens over the next couple of months, I somehow have to find the strength to at least get him through the tough points to come, and show him that no matter how useless I am, I can take care of myself while he cares for his mother, if, and only if, that’s what she wants. Thinking about it, that might be the biggest battle of all, helping him to feel settled, while she heals in whatever way, she feels she needs to.
Please read my blog from 2 years ago today – 03/04/2014 – Catch up
Two Rooms Plus Utilities 