I have been coming across a lot of blogs on this site lately from women facing a future of not being able to have children. They have made me think back on my own life, the years that it took, to have a healthy little girl and the joy, she brought into my life. I can’t imagine my life without her or her brother, who followed her less than a year later. Despite a series of miscarriages and the death of her elder brother, it never once entered my head, that I wouldn’t one day, have children. Like so many things in my life, I simply went with the flow and it all somehow just worked out. I feel for those women greatly, but my experience isn’t exactly the reassurance that you can write as a comment. Go with the flow, things have a habit of working themselves out, most women would find that at all helpful, but it was and is the only advice that I can truly leave anyone like them.
For the majority of my life, that is what I have done. I have busied myself with the minutia and let all the major things, just happen. Good or bad, they have collected themselves around me, and I have in many ways, just stood and let them happen, or at least, that is how it feels. I know I have said similar things in the past, all you have to do is read back, and you will find them. Just like having my family, they simply arrived and I embraced them, I became ill and in an odd way, I have embraced it too. I think if we are all totally honest, it is the truth of most people’s lives. I quite honestly don’t believe there is a single person alive, who wrote out a plan for their future, and by the time they were 50, could look back in honesty and say, any of it, happened as they planned. Life just happens. Yes, science is learning how to interrupt the flow, to change, or fix the bits of us that are broken. To give children to the ones who can’t have them, to change bodies, so they look and fit with what is in our minds. But still most, can’t afford their work, so we just land up going with the flow. Like it or not, it is the unfortunate truth of many lives, without money, we have little choice as to what our lives will be. At least, that is what the modern world likes us to believe.
I don’t know where it came from, what event if there is one, that made me this way, it may just be the way I was born if you like, my personality, but I have always just accepted life as it is. From wealthy to penniless, from years of physical and mental abuse to the sheer joy, of finding the love of Adam. I have seen every side of life, and not once did I do anything, but accept. I never planned anything, yet, here I am, in my own home, with the man I love and I’m happy, despite or possibly because of everything, life brought my way
There seem to be so many unhappy people out there. People making their own lives a living hell, because they want, what they don’t have. I am not talking about true want, the want for those basic things we should all have, a roof over our head, food in our bellies and someone to love and be loved by. No the people I’m talking about are the ones who have all of that and much more, yet still they want. They’re not happy to have the clothes that they wear, they always want the new, the better, the more stylish. They’re not pleased with the fact they have a home, they want that bigger, more flashy and more expensive one, but why? Because they want to be happy. Can’t they see, the only thing making them unhappy, is themselves.
I’m sat here, slowly dying, in a house I love, but I can never leave. I barely have the energy to write today, or more than a few minutes in each hour, when I’ve been free of pain or discomfort, but I’m happy. I have lost count of the people who can’t understand just how that is possible. They don’t see how, I can be content spending hours and hours every day, on my own, with no one to talk to. They can’t get their heads around the fact that there is only one person in my life, and he is all I need. That I don’t have a driving desire to be outside, to get out into the fresh air and do what they do, whatever that is. They don’t understand any of it, yet I think I understand why they can’t. It’s because they can’t accept their own lives, and their not content to live it, as it is. All of which in my eyes, makes me a truly blessed and lucky person.
I’m tired today. It’s one of those good tired. The one that embraces you, rather than drags at you, until you’re forced to give in. There is a contentment in being able to accept life just as it is, and if we are content, what more can any of us really ask for.
Please read my blog from 2 years ago today – 11/03/2014 – I have to
I feel brighter today, more connected and at last starting to head back into being myself. I realised this morning that I hadn’t actually make it clear that the feeling of being disconnected had nothing to do with what they call “MS brain fog“, there is no comparison between the two, I would live quite happily with fog for ever, if there it were a simple choice.
Just as I have found in the past when I start to reconnect to life, I am almost unable to stick to one thing, it is almost as though I am compelled to do a hundred things at once and I have no way to stop…….