Something is attacking the palm of my left hand. I have these small hard lumps, that keep appearing, stay for several weeks, then eventually the skin peels and they vanish, only to be replaced with new ones, in slightly different positions. I don’t have the slightest idea what is causing them, other, than that I have a nickel allergy. I have this horrid feeling, that I might just be becoming allergic to my wheelchair. It is the only thing that I can think of. I suppose it is possible that the coating on the wheel rim, is damaged and I am occasionally touching the bare metal. The only thing about that, is, that it doesn’t make any sense. I don’t exactly sit holding the rim for any length of time. Surely, the brief contact that I have with it, isn’t enough to cause a reaction? The lumps aren’t painful, they occasionally itch a little, but what is annoying me mostly, is the not knowing for sure what is causing them. Is it really possible to be allergic to a wheelchair? Mind you, considering all the wild things that my body does, would it really be that odd? I wonder if I could site it along with the pain and everything else, as a reason why I really need an electric chair. I know that is grasping at straws, but I’d add anything in if I thought it would help, I don’t think it would really carry any weight towards their decision.

So far I have heard nothing back from my request for an appointment with someone at Westmark, the Glasgow wheelchair center. I do have to talk to my doctor this week, just so that I can make the raise in my Gabapentin dose official and have my prescription increased, but it might be worth mentioning it again and see if anything happens. I also need to phone another department of the NHS in the coming week. I received a letter last week from the Breast Screening Service. I actually know the building where it is located and the whole business of going there, unsettles me. The clinic has been placed right in the city center, on a really busy street, in the belief that it makes it more convenient for women to go there. It is a belief that I totally agree with, if, they’re able-bodied. My problem is there is only one way into the building, and that is up a large number of beautifully showie stairs, right off the pavement. As I would be arriving in an ambulance, and then would have to be taken up those steps in a chair climber, well the number of nosy people who would stare at me, is more than a little off-putting. It is bad enough when I get into the ambulance outside my house. In the summer months, I have even seen people hanging out their windows, just to get a better look.

Clearly, like any other woman of my age, I should go along and be screened. It is yet another one of those things, that would have fitted into yesterday’s post, if I had thought about it, but I didn’t. I am not aware of it, but I am going to phone them and ask if there is another clinic within one of the hospitals in Glasgow, that way, the embarrassment is more than halved. If not, I am not sure what I will do. The same appointment letter arrived a couple of years ago. At that time, the person who answered the phone was about much use, as a wet over cooked cabbage leaf. I simply asked at that point, if they had wheelchairs available and another entrance to the building. They didn’t know the answer to either question nor, could they tell me how I could get around that problem as I explained, that I wasn’t allowed to bring my chair in the ambulance. Their only answer was, a suggest that I spoke to the nurse, who wasn’t available at the time. I became my normal confused and agitated self, just as I always do when I am on the phone to a stranger, especially unhelpful ones. I am going to try and sort it out myself, but if I fail, then I will ask Adam to speak to them. I did note, that in the time from the last appointment being sent and this one, there is now a line that asked wheelchair users to contact them in advance. I am hoping, that this means they have now considered the issues themselves and seen the problems and possibly come up with an answer.

I have to admit that I wasn’t too pleased that it arrived at all, after last years running back and forwards to hospitals, I was looking forward to the next couple of months, appointment free. I guess that is another one of the changes that happen over time, going out, becomes not just something that destroys you for several days, but it is also a huge inconvenience. I haven’t just become accustomed to my isolated lifestyle, I have grown to like it. I am comfortable in my home, surrounded by my life of routine. I know what will happen and when, and that now it isn’t just good, it feels essential. The whole idea of disturbing it because someone one, somewhere, is demanding my presence, irritates me. They are disturbing my life, even though it is from my own good, it still irritates me. I know that isn’t logical or even something that will make sense to many people, I can’t help the way it makes me feel. I guess, that it might even be a symptom if you like of my health. I just want to be left in peace, is that so wrong. I seemed to have reached a point, where my peace means far more to me than someone doing something to me, that will inevitable, make no difference to me. When I have this scan done, and if they do find something wrong, so what, it’s not really going to change anything, other than possibly the timescale of my death, and a lot more irritating people prodding and poking at me.

I often wonder if my need for peace, the need to just toddle along with things just as they are, is all part of reaching my end. Without a doubt, it isn’t the person I ever expected to be, nor does it even echo my past life. I’m content, I have found peace with all that is happening and has happened. I guess all I really want these days, is to have the pain under control, which it more or less is, and to keep living my life, just as it is, without interruption or change. Which, for a once party person, all sounds like closing down to me.

Please read my blog from 2 years ago today – 24/01/2014 – Love

I thought my head was going to explode yesterday, I don’t remember ever having a headache like it and just moving my head a fraction of an inch found me holding onto it just in case what I don’t……