I want to run, just run and run until my body collapses, but how do you run, when you can only walk a handful of steps. I’ve had this feeling so many times in my life, and I can’t truly tell you the first time it appeared, but I was young, very, very young. I suppose we all want to escape at times, to just leave where ever we are, not forever, but just long enough to escape life, all life, until our bodies feel nothing, but, the freedom of honest exhaustion. It wasn’t until I was in my mid-teens, that I actually had the independence to just shut my front door, and run out into the dark. I don’t know why, but it’s usually at night this comes over me, at a time when most wouldn’t even put a foot outside alone. When I moved live to Glasgow city center, I used to run from my home to the Green, it’s just a large park, and it wasn’t that far from my then flat. A wonderful space filled with grass and trees, in total contrast to the grey buildings of the old city, and the steel and glass of the modern. I liked it there, it was silent and empty. I could always find somewhere I could sit in silence and recover enough, before, I dragged my tired body back home. Several times on warm summer nights, I have actually slept what remained of the night right there in the park, curled up under a tree. Depending on the tide, I often listened to the Clyde as it flowed over the weir, rarely did I see a single other living soul. When I told people what I did and where I went, they thought I was mad, but you’re only mad until other try it. I wasn’t any madder than one of those joggers I often saw, but for me, this had nothing to do with getting fit, just getting as far, and as fast as I could, away from where I was.
It doesn’t matter how many times I have set out, running until my lungs felt as though they would explode, I never got rid of the feeling, but that exhaustion, was somehow, my freedom. You see, you can’t run away from yourself, or even most of the situations you find yourself in, but when you are so tired, so tired that your body takes over and demands sleep, then you’re at least free for a while. Today, I so want to escape, I want to be anywhere but here, right now, in this body, as I feel so bad. I can’t believe the way that this new drug is messing with me. I thought last night was bad, but this morning has been bizarre and so hard to get through. Hence, here I am starting tomorrow’s blog early, as what is going on is so intense, I don’t want to miss how it feels, or forget what it’s doing to me. I thought that it would be gone when I woke, after all, it was 12 hours before that point, that I actually took it, but it wasn’t. Yes, it was less, but it wasn’t gone. I still felt spaced out, unsteady and muddled, even my eyesight was wrong, it was as though whatever I focused on, was all I could see, anything on the peripheral was excluded. I don’t understand how this drug seems to concentrate everything, but it does. It is somehow making everything intense, everything is sharper, from vision to sensations. Something’s, like eating, are supplying what I can only describe as a sensory overload. Flavour, texture, movement, balance, they’re all different, they’re all sharper, brighter and fixating. I’ve never known anything in my life like it and the fact I want to run, tells me, that every part of me doesn’t like it, I want to escape, but I can’t.
By lunchtime, I was feeling just that little bit better, more myself, to the point that when Adam phoned, I was able to tell him what had been happening to me. I wouldn’t have done that if I hadn’t felt the worst of it was over. Even when I did, he was offering to come home, but as always he was missing the fact, that I was feeling better. It took some time to convince him, that I really didn’t need him here, and I was now able to cope. I also decided at that point that I was going to go ahead with taking them that night. Even though I had said earlier that I would, I had honestly had my doubts. Part of me doesn’t want to feel any of this again, others are telling me that it has to be worth it, it has to be better than the way things have been. Surely my doctor wouldn’t have put me through this for nothing. So I’m resigned to another two days at the least, then I will think it through again.
Today: I took the Duloxetine again last night. Trust me, I didn’t do it with any sense of joy, it was closer to dread, but, I have to say that things are a lot better this time, Instead of life being intensified to 200% of everything, I’m closer to 150%. It’s not right, but it’s better. When I went to bed, I still went through that rather, dishearting experience, of diminishing right down to nothing, but at least, I didn’t take so long to reach sleep. In fact, the worst part of the night was when I woke for my nightly jaunt to the loo. I woke to find that my entire left side didn’t want to move. It wasn’t paralyzed, it was more as though none of that side had moved at all since I lay down, and was, therefore, set in that position and was unwilling to change it. I was only out of bed for about 15 minutes in all and when I returned to bed, there was still no change at all in the way it felt. Movement had changed nothing, it was sluggish, even unresponsive in it limited actions. When I laid down again, it felt as though I was returning to some kind of mold that I was slipping back into, and half of me, gave an almost audible sigh of contentment.
This morning, I no longer want to run. I’m not exactly singing with joy, but, I’m not that far from myself. The biggest change, well, that’s simple, I’m not scared of taking tonight’s pill. Yes, I can admit it now, last night I sat in the kitchen holding my pills in my hand, but all I could see was the new one, and I really didn’t want to take it. I had to throw it into my mouth and swallow quickly, as I was sure that if I didn’t, it would either stick in my throat or, I would chicken out. I am now hopeful that when I take it tonight, that I will be better again. It’s just a matter of wait and see. Part of me is wondering, if no matter what happens, I should call my Doctor on Monday and just have a quick word with him. This is so alien to me, but I just want to know if this is normal in any way, or if, in his opinion, I should stop it straight away, or perceiver. There is one big change, yesterday, I spent most of the morning feeling wired, followed by a gentle lessening. Today, I was still mildly spaced, but it hasn’t been followed by a normalising feeling, rather than by tiredness. I have right now, a great desire to just go to bed and have a good long sleep, something I haven’t done during the day, for over a fortnight. My lengthened nights sleep has had the desired effect, my afternoon nap hasn’t been needed daily. Today, that need is back, and it’s not even lunchtime. Hopefully, tomorrow, I will be able to, at least, think about something else, other than just how bizarre I feel.
Please read my blog from 2 years ago today – 10/01/2014 – A problem to think about
Last night I was dying again, I was simply lying there waiting for it to happen but as always it didn’t. I don’t know what triggers that feeling, what it is that makes you totally believe that you won’t wake the next day……