I can breath, I know I can

I found myself sitting in the kitchen with tears pouring down my face. Everything at that point had quite simply just become too much for me. I felt as though all I was doing was fighting to find air for no other reason than to sleep and that nothing was actually getting any better. I actually couldn’t remember the last day that I had done anything, eaten anything, said anything that wasn’t all about the fact I couldn’t breath. I couldn’t remember the last time I was well enough to just live. Trust me that tears aren’t useful in any shape when what you need is oxygen. Adam did his best to point out the improvements that I wasn’t seeing, but it wasn’t until this morning that I finally saw that the tears were coming from the steroids. Right now I could cry without a thought, but there is no reason, nothing to drive them, they are just there under the surface.

I don’t know what changed overnight, but it changed. I woke around 2 am without a cough, rattle or wheeze. A week ago Adam could here the air rattling inside me from the living room while I slept, now I could just hear but not really feel it. Over the next half an hour, I went to the bathroom, then the kitchen and smoked two cigs, without a single cough, before sleeping again. I still feel like death warmed up and no my cough and rattle haven’t gone, it was just fluke, but in 18 hours I have gone from hopeless, to actually believing there is an end in sight. I have been this ill in the past, but never for so long. No illness has ever reduced me to doing nothing but sleep for more than four days and I know this isn’t over yet, but I believe the worst is over.

Today although I have slept no less, I have actually managed to have a shower. This week has been spent just washing down with wipes, there was no way, with my seat of not, that a shower was at all possible. I may at last feel clean, but I am drained again, with wet hair and desperate to head back to bed, like everything and everywhere else, I will get there.

Read my blog from 2 years ago today – 19/06/13 – Setup to talking

I don’t usually reread my posts until a decent amount of time has passed, I do this as I don’t want a fresh reading to cause me to write the next post to heavily under their influence. But because of the depth of felling in so many of the comments here and on twitter, I have found myself having to reread as I can’t actually remember the detail which………