Just sitting

In my blog from two years ago, I was talking about how unbearably hot it was. Two summers on and I am sitting here with the fire on as I can’t believe how unbearably cold it is. It is either just a case that even with over 50 years of experience of the British weather that I am still not used to it or proof that none of us are ever totally happy. In this case, I am inclined to say it is a combination of the two. I have always been in a loose, loose situation when it comes to weather. My PRMS just can’t take the heat at all and makes me incredibly ill, but as a person, I hate being cold. Usually, I love Spring and Autumn, in fact, even per diagnosis they were my favourite times of year when it comes to temperature. This year though, we haven’t had a spring and just have two weeks to go before Summer starting and it’s still winter, is just plain wrong. We were watching TV last night as always when an advert came on that was for a new sunscreen, it was claiming it was a new type of none greasy total sunblock. I couldn’t help wondering at just how far the social psyche has changed when it comes to the sun. I can remember quite clearly people laughing at my 30 years ago when I tried to buy such a thing and the best I could fine then was a factor 20 and that was for babies and very expensive. It wasn’t to me about skin care, it was about the fact I really love the look of completely pale skin, suntans just aren’t for me. Another one of those ironic things in my life, here I am totally not in need of that sunscreen I was longing to buy, is now everywhere. For the first time ever, if I wasn’t stuck indoors I would actually be able to come out of the shade during summer if I wanted to, I still doubt I would.

I spotted a few weeks ago that when I was typing, that sometimes I would stop, not for any reason that I was aware of, I just stopped and sat there staring at the screen. It was an odd feeling, nothing physical, just something niggling at the back of my brain that was saying you can’t go on. Every time it happened I would sit staring at what I had just written and waiting for something to happen, be it the next line or what I eventually clocked as the reason. At first it was just here when I was writing, but it developed into happening as I walked around the house as well. I would just stopped where I was and I stared, unable to move as something was sat at the back of my mind screaming at me. All of my life I have had what is an irritating habit for others, it has never bothered me, but I know it has driven others mad. I spot when things are wrong, it could be an ornament just a couple of degrees out of line or in slightly the wrong position. Even the fringe of a rug not lying correctly, I would without thought or even without an interruption in my step, correct it. I know because I have had several people eventually explode at me, that others find it irritating, to say the least, especially if they were the last to have done the cleaning. At first when Adam took over doing the housework, he found it really annoying as it appeared that I was walking round after him moving every single thing that he put down. I learned to wait until he had left the room before I fixed everything and he learned that I just couldn’t totally stop doing it as it wasn’t a conscious action. At one point, it was so bad that Adam resorted to taking photo’s of the position of everything and when he was cleaning, he used them to put everything back where it should be. I thought he was doing this for me so that I didn’t have to go around fixing everything and because of his efforts, I didn’t even have to think about it. Then I realised it was as much for him, as he was fed up of me jumping up off the settee in the middle of a programme to fix something. After years of driving others mad with it, it appears I have lost part of that ability and it is now driving me mad instead. I am still seeing that something is wrong, but my brain isn’t telling me what any longer, it’s just this block that won’t now let me move on until I have spotted and fixed it.

A few weeks ago I found myself staring at the screen, with absolutely no idea what I was looking for. I would just sit here, rereading and rereading in the hope that my conscious brain would catch up, sometimes it did, but all too often it didn’t. Occasionally, I could put it to one side and start writing again, but eventually, there would be pulled back by a lightbulb appearing and I would spot my error in either spelling, grammar or context. But mainly, nothing, I would just sit and hope something would happen. Then I started to find myself standing looking at an ornament display, with that niggle itching away at my brain but the message, remained out of reach. On occasion, it is so badly delayed that I have physically moved into another room and had to go back as I know something needs to be fixed where I had just left. Then I find myself going round and round the room until my conscious brain joins in the game. When our brains start to fail, they are the most annoying things that I have found to date that my body can do, as they never go in one fail swoop. If I had stopped noticing things being wrong, well it wouldn’t have bothered me as I wouldn’t have known and it would have simply made Adam happy. The house might look wrong, but who would know, not me. But life doesn’t work like that, ever.

Working out what was happening was only my first problem, as now I know what it is, it is more annoying than you can imagine. I still don’t know what it has seen and what is wrong, but I now know something is and how can I move on knowing that, I can’t. It’s like my brain is whispering to me, so quietly that I don’t stand a chance of hearing it. We all know what it is like to try and hear a conversation, but we can’t hear enough to make sense of it, now put that in your brain, not nice. This isn’t a problem that I can ask for help with, as no one can help unless they too were inside my mind. I can’t think of any trick or coping mechanism that would deal with it, as all of those have logic behind them and this isn’t logical. Brains have to be the most annoying things on the planet when you move from one that has been fast and switched on, to one that now has area’s that are totally missing. Loose the use of a limb, you can use aids to get around most things, loose part of you brain and it’s gone. There is no chip, no reprogramming there is just this annoying gap that once found, grows in its annoyance.

This is one of the issues that is throwing out my routine, I am spending more and more time just staring into space, wondering what is wrong, what it is I’m not seeing. The longer I spend doing nothing, the more opportunity my body has to start shutting down and going to sleep. The more my body shuts down, the more my need for sleep grows and so it goes on. Everything in my life is interconnected, nothing is an isolated problem as they all have an effect on each other, as I have also noticed that the tireder I am, the longer it takes me to sort out my annoying brain. All are part of those spirals that there seems to be no way of untwisting or reversing.

Read my blog from 2 years ago today – 8/06/13 – Caring or annoying?

I can’t believe the difference that just getting rid of one silly plastic covered cushion can make, yesterday sat here without it changed me from a swimming pool of sweat down to just a paddling pool. Neither are nice but give the choice I know which I choose every time! Of course there is still that snag, I am now…..