I don’t feel that great today, in fact, I have been feeling rather ill for a few days now and it hit its peak yesterday afternoon. As unpleasant as it is, I spend a lot of my time feeling nauseous, so it was nothing new the other day when I found myself at the point where I thought I was actually going to be sick. It was so intense that I was actually hovering around the toilet at one point, convinced that the contents of my stomach were about to leave. At other times, I just headed to my bed and lay down for a few minutes until it passed. Yesterday, I had done the lie-down bit several times including my afternoon nap, but it just wasn’t leaving me alone. When I reached my time to have my teatime soup, I did hesitate about having it at all and I wish I had listened to that hesitation. I also wish that I had listened when I was half way down it when I was sure it was about to return, but I didn’t. I managed to hold onto it for about half an hour then suddenly, I was moving at my top speed towards the bathroom, for the first time ever, my nausea actually turned into vomit, followed by half an hour lying on my bed and Adam worrying himself silly.

It doesn’t take a genius to work out why he was worried, I too was wondering if this was a sign that I couldn’t hold onto food because there wasn’t any space left inside me. While I was lying down I had a brainwave, one that totally ignored the events of the day, the fact I had been feeling sick for days and everything else. My brain was snatching at straws and I realized that later. I had worked out that it had to be the peppermint capsule I took just after I finished my soup, somewhere in my brain the connection was simple. Hot food plus gel capsule meant that it had melted in my stomach rather than my gut where it was supposed to have dissolved, result, vomit. That didn’t explain how I managed to feel sick for the rest of the evening as well and when I reached 9pm, I stopped kidding myself. Not only had I been feeling sick all evening, but when I was sick it set off a trail of spasm in my guts and for the first time in a couple of days, I was passing the wind, nothing else, just wind. Once again, I was also hardly able to rest my hand on my stomach and I don’t have to be a doctor to know it isn’t really a good sign.

I have 10 days of food inside me at this moment, including 5 days of Psyllium, with no signs what so ever of anything changing. Last night when I took my meds, I also took a dose of my laxatives. This doesn’t mean I have given up on the Psyllium, not at all. What it does mean is that I don’t think it is standing a chance of working with so much ahead of it that isn’t moving at all. I also thought last night that it might be a good idea if I didn’t eat anything more until I managed to at least get rid of something that is already there. I went to bed on a high, you know your life is no longer normal when you go to bed as though you were a child expecting a visit from Santa, because you are hopeful of going to the loo. But that was exactly how I felt, I couldn’t imagine anything better than looking forward to a day without feeling sick or being sick. Even lying there still feeling sick and in pain wasn’t pulling me down at that point, waking this morning feeling sick and with no signs of anything else, did though. Right now, I am sitting here feeling rather pissed off with the whole thing, as once again I have done what my doctors have told me and landed up feeling worse than I did before. I have lost count how many times this has happened to me over the years and each and every one has left me disheartened and wanting to give up. The hard thing and, unfortunately, the only thing to do on occasions like this, is to persevere. So today, I am going to eat, even smaller quantities than normal, so more grazing sessions, but hopefully ones that won’t have me in the bathroom in minutes. I am going to take my Psyllium, a small amount in each graze session and if I don’t go to the loo before bedtime, I am also going to take more of my laxative. I know it is about time and I will give it that time, but I am sure that what I did wrong was not give it a level playing field to start with.

Doctors, websites, and blogs, all seem determined to make everything that they ask us do, to sound really easy. Which, to be honest, is a hugely unfair and I believe is the totally wrong approach. I don’t believe that it is just me, I can’t believe that there are people out there who feel better about anything by being told a pile of lies. It doesn’t matter what it is, from the very first medical lie I remember being told, that a needle being stuck into you feels like “a little scratch”. A needle being stuck in you, surprise, surprise, feel like a needle being stuck into you, where did the scratch come from? I have to admit that the doctor didn’t say that the psyllium would work instantly or that it would be palatable without a load of experiments, but all the websites I saw, did. Well read the last few days and there is the truth, so I am going to do this my way. Clear myself through, work on finding different ways of getting it into me and be ready if nothing happens in 5 days, to once again intervene, then raise the dose or change how and when I take it, and try again.

Being jollied along into doing things that the person who is doing the jollying wouldn’t do themselves, is dishonest. It fits in some ways into what I said yesterday if you are going to have to do something over and over, like drink something, and that thing is unpleasant, well it’s wrong that anyone would expect you to do it. I am willing to try anything but note the word “try”, it maybe should be in capitals as if it is wrong in any way, I will stop trying, especially when I see the word “liar” flashing in front of those doing the jollying. Right now, I am sure that there are millions out there who have bought recommended treatments and thrown them away because on their first attempt they spotted the lie. Is it really that hard to just tell the total truth?

Read my blog from 2 years ago today – 26/05/13 – Trust in science

I guess it’s because I write so much that I constantly have questions asked of me on twitter, which I am more than happy to answer as far as I can, but to me one of the curious questions I keep getting is about different medications, what I think of them, their effect, side effects and so on. I can say that without the…….