I have had enough of this, here ends the wallowing! I hate it when I feel like I have nothing left inside me not just for others but even for me, so just as I have done countless times before, I am calling an end to it and whatever it is that is doing this to me, well it can *!?* right off. I don’t like swearing, that doesn’t mean I don’t do it, just that I don’t like it. Getting rid of a blue meanies is hard work, but it is like everything else, if you already know that you can do it, well half the battle is won, it’s when you don’t know that you can do something that it really holds the greatest fear and that fear alone can make it impossible.
I woke this morning and found myself once again having great difficulty getting out of bed, since Adam started actually coming to bed, even though he still sleeps most of the night on the settee, I have shied away from using the mattress elevator. Partly because when he in not working he is normally still asleep when I get up and partly because when he is about get up, I feel embarrassed to use it. Adam, shut-up before you bother saying it to me, I know it’s stupid, “stupid” has a lot of things to answer for in all our lives. With it being a bank holiday, he is still asleep, so getting off the bed this morning was a struggle, something I have to admit I have been finding more difficult recently. The problem is the pain in my diaphragm and my stomach, I have been compensating for a while now, trying to use other muscles, like those in my waist to do all those actions that my main muscle structures just can’t actually manage. The result is the pain is just spreading and spreading, everything is getting more and more difficult, which is a big part of the reason that I got myself into a downer for the last few days. Once I had put on my pyjamas I took my first step and straight away wished I hadn’t, just like yesterday the shockwave caused by putting my foot on the floor, caused pain right through my left side of my chest, especially around the lower edge, where my diaphragm is attached. In less than 4 minutes from waking I already knew what today held for me, the same as every other day recently. By the time I went to bed yesterday I had pain running from my lower ribcage both sides, across my upper body to my left shoulder, the left side of my neck and right down my left arm to my fingers, two hours into today and I am almost at the same point again. There is one big difference, I don’t care if I have vivid dreams, I have already taken a booster.
It is the one thing I haven’t been able to work out ever when you can’t use some muscles, for whatever reason, how do you avoid damaging those that are called in to cover. Every part of our body is designed to cover certain actions and they really don’t like being used as substitutes, something I discovered when I lost the use of my arm, as my right arm alone just couldn’t compensate, it didn’t have the strength nor did it even know how to carry out actions alone that it usually had some help with. That I know is a clear example, but the point is that it doesn’t matter if it is a limb or some part of our internal systems, they can’t manage without everything around them working properly and that is far a more painful lesson to learn. Our bodies take such a battering from what our health does to us, between our muscles withering in front of our eyes, areas that are in pain and can’t be used as it causes more pain, it isn’t really a surprise that we land up hitting points where we feel as though we are under attack and that relief will never appear again. Just that simple action of getting off the bed, something anyone else would do without a single thought, didn’t just pull all the already aching muscles of my waist and stomach, but also those in my arms, which took most of the strain not to mention my thighs, as I tensed them instead of my stomach. Every action seems to have a problem attached, even though we don’t realise it, just sitting uses muscles just to stay upright on a chair. Add in the annoying twitching nerve in my spine, something I have been holding still now for years by using my waist and back muscles, muscles that won’t hold it now and each twitch is now pulling on muscle higher up and the spreading pain starts to become clearer and clearer.
I never foresaw just a couple of months ago that what has been an ongoing problem with my bowels, could land up in such a mess of pain. Constipation sounds like nothing, it sounds almost comical and something that isn’t even worth thinking about, a few laxatives and that’s it dealt with, but it’s not. There is no tablet, no medicine, no diet, that makes dead nerves work, just as there is no medicine that is going to fix my PRMS or COPD or any of the other things that might be hiding inside me. To date my attitude has always been, if they can’t fix it, I have to live with it. The important word there being “live”, I have let it get the better of me slowly but surely I let it wear me down and I am the only person who can fix that, if nothing else. So today is day one of kick myself up the backside, but it has one huge caveat, if I get the letter to go to the hospital, there is no putting on the brave face when I get there, this time they will see the full picture, with no smiles there to cover anything up.
It hard to smile all the time, ill or not, but what other choice do we really have. Pain isn’t something we can get rid of, it’s something we live with, like it or not and trust me none of us like it. There is one thing that I know without a doubt and that is moaning about it and letting it play on our minds, does no good what so ever, the last two days achieved nothing other than to make me feel worse. I am the one who is always saying that happiness is a choice, so I know that without anyone reminding me, I chose to be happy a long time ago, I just needed to remind myself of that fact. In a funny way, having a few bad days every now and then can actually be good for us as it reminds us just how good our lives really are and that there is still so much to enjoy, even if our bodies don’t totally agree with us and as long as it is just a few days.
Read my blog from 2 years ago today – 4/05/13 – Health warning
Sometimes life moves so fast that there is no chance of keeping up with it, but at others is will drive us mad with it monotony and incredible resemblance to a snail. I guess as humans somewhere along the way we developed this huge ability to never really be happy with the way things are, and a need to have everything just so, which they never are. Wishes and dreams are what fill our childhood with wonder and cripple our ability to be…..