It goes on…..

The door bell rang yesterday afternoon, it wasn’t that long after I had spoken to Adam as he wasn’t coming home for lunch yesterday, but he always likes to check I am alright. I knew from the way it was rung that it was the postman, so I stood up and headed out into the hall to let him into the block. We have an old fashioned intercom system that looks like a phone on the wall and as I reached up to lift the receiver, I felt my hand stop about half an inch from its surface and the muscles throughout me tighten. I had to mentally kick myself into actually doing what I was there for, to lift that phone and say hello, yet I hesitated, it was just for a second, not any longer but in that second I knew what was happening and I wasn’t going to let it, Monday had clearly had a bigger impact on me than I thought it had when I was writing yesterday. Then I was still angry, still wanting to make everyone aware that the world still has morons in it who don’t think at all about the effects of their own ignorance when they aim at those who can’t do anything about it at the time, other than be angry. I was angry for a thousand reasons, but most of all that I had been put in that position due to all the things that are wrong in this world from my own health to the fact that there are people willing to be so vicious toward another human being, all that anger changed in that second at the intercom.

I haven’t felt that way for a long time, in fact, the last time was not long after Adam and I had become engaged and moved into what was our first home together, then it was someone I knew that was scaring the hell out of, an ex-boyfriend who had started stalking me. I remember feeling that same moment of fear every time I saw what might be his car on the same road as I was on, or possibly himself when I was out and about. It was the identical moment of hesitation before pushing the bravado button and acting totally normally so if it was him, well hopefully he would see that I wasn’t bothered. I wasn’t expecting it to be the Asda driver back at my front door, but it was that action that had let him into my home, I had let him in here by answering the intercom. Even when I returned to the living room, I was still totally unsettled and it took me a while to get on with things, but I couldn’t help feeling it over and over again. About an hour after that the phone rang and this time it was Asda’s, I went over with them what happened and how I had been left feeling yesterday, I also gave the web link so they could read everything I wrote yesterday, even though it was an abbreviated version of everything that happened, I wanted them to read it as I wanted them to put themselves in my shoes. The manager of the delivery drivers was off yesterday, but the person I spoke to was totally apologetic for his behaviour and will speak to his manager today and they will investigate it further before calling me back.

I didn’t tell Adam when he first came home about what had happened in the hallway, he had already told me that he had plans to do his weights in the kitchen last night and I knew that if I told him, he would want to sit and talk about it and that wasn’t fair, I wasn’t going to let it spoil his day as well. I had spent the rest of the afternoon just feeling that wave every few minutes it just appeared out of the blue, I didn’t even manage to sleep, despite wanting to if just to block it all out. The one thing that brightened my day was all the lovely tweets and comments that I received, it really did help just to know that total strangers were as disgusted by the whole thing as I was. I did tell Adam about the phone call though, he like me are quite happy at the minute to wait and see just what they have to say, although she had said she was going to talk to his manager today, I know that a lot of the drivers only work part time, so they may not be able to talk to him today, but we will see. It was about half an hour before I was due to go to bed when Adam came through to the living room having put all his weights away, as he ate his sandwich which he had brought with him, I told him about the freezing instance, he clicked immediately that it was the fact I had let the guy in by answering the intercom without my having to tell him and just as I expected he wanted to talk it through. I was the one who cut it short, as I didn’t see the value of going over it, it had happened, it was a sign that it had all had a bigger impact on me than either of us thought and it was over. As we were saying good night, he announced that he thought it was a good idea if he was here when the shopping arrived in future, which was a statement I had been waiting for, but as I said to him, this is one driver out of hundreds who have been here, one bad person, doesn’t mean they all will be. As soon as I shut the bedroom door, I was once again in floods of tears, it was the second night in a row that this man has left me crying myself to sleep and the second night in a row where my sleep has been disturbed and not the normal escape that I have daily.

Bravado may have gotten me through the verbal battle of Monday, but bravado only works when there is someone there to see it. It isn’t until we are alone and the anger has gone that we start to really feel the true effects of anything. I never thought that a single person that I didn’t even know could make me feel this way, but I do now. I thought myself stronger than that, I thought that no one who could make me feel that way without laying a finger on me and that is the other horrid thing, those feeling drag out of you memories of the times in the past where you weren’t quite so lucky. That’s why sleep hasn’t been it’s normal joy, between the pain and the memory of faces and places that I thought were once packed away, then forgiven and released, appeared and taunted me again. The two crates in the doorway had given me the freedom to defend myself verbally as just as when I was a DJ, my DJ booth was my kingdom and I could do anything within it in safety, stepping out of it and I was a different person, vulnerable and ready to run, those crates gave me that confidence back and my freedom. If they hadn’t been there, I doubt I would have said half of what I did in my defence and I know without a doubt that the tears would have arrived much much sooner than they did.

This morning, I am numb in every way other than to the pain in my body, I have been living on booster pills since he left and I doubt I will be living without them at any point today. Delaid reactions are often the worst as they appear from nowhere, if the postman hadn’t called yesterday, I doubt I would have felt it until he next did as it was that simple hand action that released it all. At least now I am aware of it and I know that I can answer the intercom without anything horrid to follow, but what I would really like and I think would be a wonderful punishment for him, to be made to sit and read not just this post, but every single post I have written in at least the past month, maybe, just maybe he might learn not only what he has done, but he might also learn that people aren’t always as fit as they appear and that one day in health has nothing to do with the next.

Read my blog from 2 years ago today – 15/04/13 – Steps of grief and renewal >

A new week so here’s hoping that it is also a new start with changes in it’s wings, well as long as they are in the right direction, lol. It was a kind of strange weekend, almost like it wasn’t one if that makes any sense. Adam was here as always, but the entire two days just seemed to pass without any impact on me. I got up, I wrote, I slept, I watched TV, I ended my day in bed, then I did the same again. Life can be like that occasionally…………

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