It will come as no surprise to anyone that after spending a really nice day with Teressa and John that I am rather tired. They actually did arrive a bit earlier than I expected as they were here just after 1pm which was really nice as Adam had just arrived home 10 minutes earlier for his lunch so he was here to greet them, but then had to rush off again. To my surprise after my worrying about my body letting me down and leaving me in visible pain, it was in fact, my memory that jumped into make my life difficult over and over again. I don’t think for the majority of the afternoon that I managed to string together more than a handful of words without either forgetting what I was going to say next or I was left totally unable to find the next word. Then when I went looking for a book I had found that I knew Teressa would appreciate, it took me about 5 minutes of searching the living room to locate it. I was totally sure I had put it in the bookcase beside where I sit in the evening, but I couldn’t find it, nor was it in either of the other two bookcases, or even under one where I throw all the paperwork for pensions and so on until there is a pile to be transferred to the storage box. I eventually found it in the draw where I keep a hair brush and some bits and pieces I use a lot, a draw I am in every single day, so I must have seen it but my brain had ditched its location totally. As I said to Teressa if nothing else it was a good example of what happens to me multiple times in a day and just how frustrating it gets living like this, she had actually arrived with an offer of something she thought might help me, Johns old smartphone as he had just bought a new one. She like so many others thought that if I used it to set up reminders and so on that it might make my life easier, once I had explained how alarms don’t help and the reason why they don’t work, she fully understood why with all the possible memory tools I already have to hand, a smartphone wasn’t going to make my life easier. I didn’t tell her thought that the further truth, that it would more than likely turn out to be some else that I would become totally frustrated with, as I have with almost everything else. The only thing that works is for Adam to be in control and to be my memory for me, everything that requires reminders are set on his phone and he then passes on the message and makes sure that I actually carry it out.

Luckily, my body held itself together until just before they left and I was able to cover it as well as I just found the position of least pain and stayed there. The problems source was totally my fault, we had as always when they are here ordered in a meal, because I can’t each as much as the rest, unlike them I ordered just a 10 inch pizza, which I ate half of plus about 5 pakora, within half an hour the pain started, after an hour I was in pain from just below my bust down to my waist and my diaphragm was playing its normal tricks. Their timing on leaving couldn’t have been better, as I was over full and paying the price for every single mouthful, I knew I was pushing it eating as I did, but I just couldn’t resist as they are all foods that contain loads of flavour. I was totally exhausted and I had already taken a booster pill just after finishing my meal as I was at that point already of way beyond comfortable, so I knew it what was coming. By the time they had gone, the pain had reached right up to my shoulder blade on my right side and was cutting me in two on my left along the bottom of my rib cage. I sat on the settee for about another 10 minutes then went to bed and slept like the dead once I drifted off. I woke at 6am in pain, so much pain that I couldn’t even stand the weight of my hand on my stomach and even the duvet was annoying me, I got up for a short while in the hope that moving would ease it and it did a little, well enough for me to return to sleep.

If I needed proof that I don’t really learn, well I had it this morning, as I had put the remaining pizza and a couple of pakora in the fridge for today, so this idiot had the pakora and one slice of pizza for breakfast. Two meals 14 hours apart and the second has reignited everything I was feeling last night, I guess I won’t be eating anything else solid today as this is going to take time to settle. I actually think that it is also going to be a day when I might have to throw my routine to the side for a second day, not a good thing to do I know, but I honestly feel terrible apart from the pain, but I still wouldn’t have changed a single thing about yesterday, other than possibly enough brain to stop me from eating so much. If I needed it, well there is the proof once again, that food and I don’t get along as nearly all of it, is sitting there laughing at me. It takes a lot to get me to give in, but that is exactly what my body is screaming at me right now and I am so tempted to just do that and go back to bed, as at least there I can’t do any more damage to myself and it might move around my insides with a little more ease without the weight of my body pressing down on it. Right now, I don’t think I will ever eat again, but I know that is just how I feel, I am also getting incredibly fed up with the whole thing, food is meant to be enjoyable, not something to be scared of or even dread.

I have today and tomorrow to sort myself out and to get ready for round two, I also have two days to work out what we are going to do about food when they are here on Sunday. I honestly think that I should have stuck to my original idea, of getting a treat for everyone else and my sticking to my normal diet at my normal time of day. It’s not sociable or so enjoyable, but the after effects don’t leave me feeling like death warmed up and seriously wondering if I could just take a second booster pill, or if that would be just too much, 10mg of Morphine just isn’t touching it even along with all my other pain meds. I checked online yesterday as to the waiting time rule in Scotland from being referred by your GP to a hospital consultant appointment, I was totally disheartened to see that it is a maximum of 18 weeks. It reminded me of the long waits there used to be and how each flare had settled by the time I actually saw a consultant so they found nothing wrong with me and I was sent home to wait for it all to happen again. Even with the new restriction of 18 weeks, that same scenario could so easily be happening right now to someone out there. I do understand that all hospitals seem to have more patients than they can handle, but under those rules, I could have another 3 months to wait, living like this before anyone even sees me.

I am so out of my normal frame of mind and pain thresholds right now, that I don’t think I have a choice other than to just do whatever my body wants today and to worry about it tomorrow. Why is it that we don’t really learn and that the worst things often seem to track back to some self-inflicted ill-advised action, followed by self-pity. With any luck, tomorrow will be a better day, especially if I don’t eat any more pizza.

Read my blog from 2 years ago today – 3/04/13 – Helpers don’t help > http://bit.ly/14EbEo1

Another drifty day, I guess all of last week has taken more out of me than I thought, I am still doing a good impression of a duck and talking, well it’s an effort. Adam had some more overtime last night and although I can rely on him to come home each evening and talk for about half an hour before the snores start. Last night he had put the remaining shopping away, then came through to the living room to take off his work shoes, and was still sat halfway through the process when to my surprise I heard a snore, I think we…..