The way it was or is

Just occasionally, I find myself sitting looking at this page, not the one you are looking at as like most sites, the writing area is totally separate and a somehow overly white page that seems to have a habit of eating its way into the back of my eyes, the more I sit staring the more I find my mind feeling as blank at the page looks. I guess it’s something similar to writers block, but I have two advantages over them, firstly, well when you are writing about yourself something always comes to mind and secondly, even after writing 1200 posts, I am still not a writer. It is one of those things that I actually find so odd about the world as it is now, people give themselves titles, they call themselves writers and authors before having a single world they have written in print. I would even accept their title if their words were available as an ebook and one single person had paid to read their story, but to just decide they are a writer because they manage to string together sentences that are free to read online, well that is as odd as calling yourself a recording star because you once recorded yourself singing a nursery rhyme as a child. For those who have managed to escape the wonders of Twitter, it is actually one of the joys of it just reading the things people write about themselves in their bios, it does appear that nearly everyone in the world is one of a handful of things, singer, writers, rappers and internet marketing experts, the latter accounting for nearly a quarter of the world’s population. I am sure that all sounds very old-fashioned of me, but no matter how open minded we are or how much part of the modern world we like to think ourselves, there are always those small things that come from a time so far behind us that we like to pretend we don’t even remember, that prove who we are and how we were brought up. I was brought up to believe that titles are either earned or given to us by others who have the position to endorse them, not chosen by ourselves.

I used to think it a little wrong and very odd that the longer I was housebound the more old-fashioned I seemed to be becoming, but it’s not half as odd as I thought. I have been here in this house now for over 8 years, when it comes to the total of my life, well it isn’t that long really, but it is long enough for me to have slipped in time somewhat. I may be online every day and watch more news and more documentaries about the state of this world than most people would ever see, but somehow that isn’t enough to keep me feeling as though I am up with what is happening out there. I no longer speak to or see people anywhere other than on the TV and I am old enough to know that what we see there, has little to do with the reality of everyday life. I was never an overly social person, but I was someone who enjoyed watching people, observing how they dressed and interacted with each other and watching how they all changed as time went on. It was always those observations, especially on the fringes of society that spoke the loudest of where the world is and is going, along with the odd overheard conversation that taught me what was really happening outside of the official line portrayed by the media. I have lost all of that, so my view is somewhat stagnated and somewhat old fashioned and getting older by the day. To some, it may seem odd, but those are the things that I miss, not the things people seem to think I should. I couldn’t care less that I haven’t been to the cinema for more years than I can think of, or been out for dinner or the pub. I couldn’t care at all that I haven’t been to the shops or spent time just going for a walk, I don’t miss any of it, but I do miss being able to observe it.

Adam and I have had many, many conversations about living outside of Glasgow, of being in some place where we could see the mountains or the sea or possibly both, but all of them lead to the same thing, we can’t leave or go anywhere else. Clearly, like everyone else in the world, Adam needs to have a job, we need his income and as always the jobs are in the cities not in the middle of nowhere. I, well I suppose I could live anywhere where there is a direct and fast route to a hospital and a good internet connection, other than that, well yes I could be anywhere, but in my heart, I don’t want to be anywhere else. For some reason that makes no sense what so ever, I fear living outside of the city as I fear being cut off from the world, the world I have already been cut off from for years. Somehow there is something in my head that says if we were to move, I would be so far from world that I might never get back. I guess that being housebound is something that I still hold a small bit of hope about, even when I know there isn’t the slightest chance I will ever be part of it again as I simply don’t have the energy to get dressed and past my own front door.

No matter how well we adjust to anything, all we have done is adjust, that doesn’t mean that in our hearts we have let go of what we once had, we have just moved past it with memories that will never die. I can think of a million things that I could live without, that doesn’t mean I would want to or that I could do so happily, it just means that I wouldn’t die because of its loss. Chronic illness and being housebound is just the same, we don’t invite them as part of our lives, we don’t want them once they are, but we adjust to them being part of us and hold on desperately to what rapidly becomes a very old-fashioned world that no longer exists anywhere but in our minds and that is the only place we have left to live in outside of our homes.

Read my blog from 2 years ago today – 22/03/13 – Missing what’s important >

I am waiting to hear from Teressa as to what she is planning for this weekend, I don’t actually know when she will be here for us to meet John. I know he was due to land at Heathrow at 6am today, so I doubt after 8 months apart if I will hear anything from them at all today. Their plans are to hire a car tomorrow and drive up to Scotland arriving sometime tomorrow at her step brothers in Dunbarton where they are staying until after the wedding. I would expect her to be here………