My trust is borken

Yesterday was doomed to being one of those days, it appears that almost everything I did turned out wrong. For those of you who find your way here daily through my links on Twitter may have though that I didn’t write a post yesterday, I did, I even sent out all the normal tweets both the one directed to my daily post and the more general one that leads to my blog page, for some reason I can’t work out, even though I did schedule them, they weren’t sent. So having found it so hard to actually even write the post and all the tweets as it was a generally tough morning for me, few other than those who receive an email alert, actually knew it was even there. I had struggled through the whole morning, not feeling well, plus being in pain but avoiding taking a booster pill as I still wasn’t sure that my prescription would arrive that morning. I was still in the middle of scheduling my other tweets when Adam appeared with an envelope, we both knew that it was the prescription I was waiting for so I opened it quickly just to see how many tablets had been ordered so that Adam could take it to the chemist. When I opened it, my ability to not see what is directly in front in me struck and it did it big style.

There were two sheets of paper inside the envelope, one was just a note to remind me to send them more stamps, but the other therefore had to be the prescription. I looked at it and on one side was a list of medications, not the ones I had ordered, in fact, there wasn’t any mention of morphine anywhere, the other side of the sheet seemed to be just filled with computer printed stars. I should say that I normally don’t even look at my prescriptions, I just open them and hand them over to Adam, I kept turning the paper searching for what should have been there but it wasn’t. Adam could see that I was getting distressed and came over to see if he could spot it but all I showed him was the list, as I was picking up the phone to speak to the doctor and find out what had gone wrong. Luckily it was both Tuesday and it was after midday, the surgery was closed. I know that doesn’t sound lucky and at that second it didn’t feel it, I burst into tears and they weren’t just the shallow tears I usually get for no reason, theses were gushing and I could feel them as I was slipping into panic that this meant I was going to have to spend yet another 2 or 3 days waiting for the right thing to arrive and I couldn’t deal with that. The last couple of days, the pain had been really bad, but I wouldn’t take the tablets I still had, just in case it got worse and I was caught in terrible pain without the answer to it. As I sat there with my head in my hands and falling further and further into panic, Adam took it off me and looked at it himself. There it was, right there on the page covered in stars, it was the actual prescription and the details were there right at the top of it, I had had the correct prescription in my hands all the time. By nature, I don’t normally panic, I have always been so level-headed and able to deal with whatever appeared, but yesterday, I felt something that I haven’t felt since the last time I found myself totally lost in my own home. Even after he showed it to me, I couldn’t stop crying and I felt so confused and lost, how could I have not seen what I was looking for, not been able to read the line that mattered on a page I scanned from top to bottom, it made no sense to me, but it had happened.

It took me a while to realise why I was still crying, it was because this was yet another thing that showed just how fast and far I have slipped recently. Just like looking at a pile of tablets and knowing something had to be missing, but with no idea what, my mind had a dropped one of its voids over what was there for me to see and nothing was going to let me see it until it was pointed out to me. I may not have looked at my prescriptions for quite a while now, but I know exactly what prescription looks like and once I could see it, I could also see that they haven’t changed at all. I don’t think that Adam really knew just how much it affected me as he was in the kitchen for the worst of it making his lunch, I was sure that once he pointed it out and gave me a hug that that was the end of it, it wasn’t. I guess I was in tears on and off for the next half hour, but inside the feeling lasted a lot longer, I am now questioning everything that I am doing, everything that see, is it right or is this just another nasty trick of my mind, like all the others it take such pride in performing. Two things have come out of it though, first I am going ahead with the free delivery service that is available for prescriptions, if they pick it up from the doctor and bring the drugs to me, I never have to see another prescription ever again and should anything go wrong, well they can fix it, plus it will all be a lot faster. Secondly, well I don’t actually open very much of my mail anyway, I am one of these people who recognise the envelope or can see it is an ad and just ask Adam to shred it or the two or three I do open are scanned briefly and then it’s shredded with the exception of prescriptions. I’m not going to open any more letters, I am going to ask Adam in future to deal with it all, if it is something that I need to deal with, well he will be able to tell me or just shred it for me straight away, I really don’t need to be in that loop at all.

There were other small things that happened through the day, like not picking the phone up to call the company who can take over the prescriptions for me until it was far too late in the day to have any chance of getting to speak to someone. Or the fact I had noted that the number of people looking at my blog was tiny but not thinking once there could be a problem with my tweets going out, or that I needed to do a major rethink on the tweets I was sending as no one was responding to them, or just to look at my timeline either. I was so overpowered by what had happened over the prescriptions that I lost everything else as if my world had stopped for some reason. I didn’t need yesterday to happen, but it did and if I had needed any more proof that I am not in full logical control of my brain, well all this, was it. Even this morning, I am still feeling shaken by it, no, not shaken, shocked by it. I knew and had seen it all before in smaller ways, but yesterday’s wasn’t something seen only by me with the possibility of covering it somehow, this happened so bluntly, so dramatically and with a witness that there is no ignoring it. Without a doubt what I was already feeling is now a fact, I can’t trust myself and that is a really really hard thing to come to terms with.

Read my blog from 2 years ago today – 11/03/13 – Memory milestones >

With Adam on holiday this week I guess I am going to have to get used to him snoring loud enough to bring the walls down on the settee for the next 7 days. I have tried to make him go to bed but with no result, he sort of opened his eyes and snored, so I guess he wasn’t actually awake. I didn’t actually see him last night………….