I woke up this morning feeling really odd, I often do but today it was worse than normal. It’s a really odd sensation, I feel nauseous, unsteady even when still lying down and yes in pain, normally these days around my middle. But it’s the feeling, it’s a bit like being light headed but not the normal sort where you just want to sit down, this seems to be a feeling that is right through my body. Even now a couple of hours after getting out of my bed, I still don’t feel right, it is one of the reasons that I stopped having breakfast a few months ago, porridge is just too heavy and on days like today even the thought of eating a pot of yoghurt is out of the question. It is also one of the things that is building week on week. I have always had some anti-nausea pills in the house, as I went through a spell of this quite a while ago now, but recently I have found myself taking them more and more. They stop me from feeling sick after a while, but they have no effect on the general feeling of just being ill, that hangs around until it is ready to actually leave me in peace. There isn’t anything worse than feeling like you want to throw up or might collapse any second, but the fact it keeps coming and going is what I can’t get my head around. It is something else I am beginning to blame my bowels for, as I woke last night convinced I was going to have to go to the loo as the pain was on the stupid scale, but it shifted and was gone a soon as it started other than wind that was flying around inside me, but not going anywhere. Honestly, the noise that my insides make these days, just don’t add up to what is actually happening.
I did eventually talk to my doctor yesterday, I went over it all again, making sure that I really got across just how painful it all is and what is also going on with my diaphragm and how I am sure that it is my stomach that is aggravating it, he totally agreed and is contacting the gastro department I saw two years ago requesting an emergency appointment as he seems to at last understand the impact this is all having on my PRMS. I honestly don’t understand why it has taken two months for him to get the picture, but at least he now seems to have understood just what this is all doing to me. Which leaves me in the position that I have one of the MS nurses about to phone me for no reason, as I was wanting to see him because I was failing to get the message through to my GP. So now it is a case of waiting to see how the hospital handles a request for an emergency appointment, I just hope they don’t leave it too long as although I now have a prescription for more morphine tablets on its way to me, the more tablets I take, the more issues that I am just building up, morphine and bowels just don’t mix. I am just getting so fed up of either being either in pain and/or feeling ill with it. Right now, well I would accept almost anything they wanted to try, just to get myself down to just having to deal with the normal problems of everyday life, personally, I think that is hard enough without all the extras.
I have to admit that I am finding writing hard today, something I don’t often get, but when you feel like all you really want to do it is disappear and that includes from yourself, well everything is difficult. I don’t even seem to be able to write one whole sentence without hitting the wrong key or forgetting what I was going to say, it makes it a really frustrating slow process. Oddly it is days like today that actually make me feel as thought I should be housebound, on good days when all I have to deal with is pain, somehow I often land up feeling like a fraud. It doesn’t matter that I know without a single thought that on even my best day if I stood up and started to do something like some light housework, that I would in minutes be floored again. The very fact that I can sit here for a few hours feeling like there is little wrong with me, is enough for me to think that it is all wrong that I am sat here doing virtually nothing. Then on my average day, well I fully accept that I am in the only possible place, but on my bad days, I don’t even want to be here, where I should be I don’t know, but the whole process of my daily routine is just too much for me. I would be very surprised if every single person out there with chronic illness didn’t feel this way, we don’t want to be stuck at home in pain or feeling ill, yet almost every good day is blighted by that feeling of almost guilty for just being ill. When your health dies on you, it doesn’t mean that the desire to have back everything that it has taken away from you dies as well. I would truly love to have a job again, to have the chance of improving our lives and to make up for everything that I have lost in the last few years, so those good days, well they hold false promise that I might just be getting better and life might also get better as well. The return of the truth is always a painful process as every dream is snatched away by it and when you are in this kind of spiral, well you feel like giving up and just lying in bed until it all ends.
To many reading that will scream depression, but it’s not, because even now when I just want it to end, it is only my health that I am talking about. My life is good and I am so lucky to have all the things that I have, I still have enough good days to out way the bad, a nice home and most of all a wonderful husband, all reasons why depression isn’t even a glimmer in the distance. Anyone who has even the flu, wants the world to stop and for them to be allowed to step off the edge until everything is better, no one accuses them of being depressed. Chronic illness is like a dose of the flu that never ends, it offers false hope occasionally that soon things will improve and I guess that is truly the really tough bit, not just accepting it will never go away, but accepting that all those basic human dreams have been taken away from you without any chance of getting them back. I hope I proved though, that even that can be bypassed and that there is still a life to live, even if it isn’t the one I thought it would be.
Read my blog from 2 years ago today – 10/03/13 – Filling the hours with love > http://bit.ly/YOCSTV
It is going to be a strange day today as Adam is just getting ready to go out for the day, but I doubt he will be back until well after I have gone to bed. With it being Mothers day, he and his sister are going to spend the day with their Mum who lives an hours bus journey away. I can’t remember the last time I spent a whole evening alone……