Hell sounds like a nice place

Painful, that is about the biggest memory of yesterday and at the minute, well I think I will be saying tomorrow the same thing about today. It started fine, it was just another day of feeling full without eating and low-level pain in my stomach, then my diaphragm started to join in and instead of just being spasms that went up and down in their strength, accompanied by more discomfort and pressure than pain, these were sharp and actually quite painful at times. It wasn’t just the line where it is attached to my ribcage, I could feel it going right inside of me as well. I knew they were bad, but I go through spells like that quite often, normally it lasts a couple of hours and then it starts to fade and life goes on. When lunchtime came I pretended to have not noticed, it was after 1 pm and I knew that if I didn’t go and fetch my lunch soon, that Adam would start to push me into moving. To be honest, I couldn’t face eating but neither did I want him to start worrying, so I fetched my lunch and sat here eating it slowly. While I was eating it wasn’t that bad, in fact, I actually started to feel a bit better for a short while after, but then from nowhere the pain reappeared and it was worse than before. It didn’t matter how I stretched or twisted, I just couldn’t relieve it and I was quite glad to head to bed for my nap. I know, lying down normally makes things worse, so it wasn’t a bright idea, but if I can’t find peace lying down, where can I.

It was almost instant, within seconds of hitting horizontal, the pain was worse than I had ever felt it. It was like having a cheese wire being tightened around me and there wasn’t any relief, even when I sat up, it didn’t fade back to the level it had been before. I had sat up to take one of my booster pills, it was so bad that I sat there for a couple of minutes, just hoping that it would take over quickly before I lay down again, even when I did I could still feel that wire and there was clearly no way that I was going to sleep. The pain was so bad that I got up and headed to the bathroom so that I could look at my ribs in the mirror. For the last three years, I have had an array of small bruises just below the crease of my breast, they never go completely, but they do change from light to dark. Clearly there are times when the spasms are so tight that they are ripping and slowly bleeding, I wanted to take a look at them as I was so sure that that level of pain must have been showing. I expected to see a clear line of fresh bruises, which was really rather stupid as bruising never just appears within seconds and there was nothing out of the ordinary to see, just the pain which at that point seemed to be locked in and not changing. I spent the next three hours sitting here doing what I could to keep my mind off it, but failing, there was still no comfort, but as always I was doing everything that I could to not let it show in any way. He worries about the pain I am in far too much as it is, so covering it over has become part of my normal day. I did tell him how bad it had been when I was in bed and why I had headed into the loo as soon as I got up, but I wasn’t going to let him know that being up and about had made little change. I had already done a quick check online before I told him, just to confirm that the pain I was in, was as I thought coming from my constipation and it had confirmed exactly what I thought so when I told him, I was armed with the facts in advance.

Sitting on that stupid chair to watch TV didn’t help either, all I did for the two hours I was down there didn’t help either. I quite simply couldn’t sit still, I was having to move around, lean forwards and backwards over and over, but nothing made a difference and I was beginning to wonder how I was going to sleep. Nine o’clock came round and as I slid forward to stand up, the worst pain yet hit me, but not up at my diaphragm, the cheese wire had moved and was now wrapped around part of my intestine low on my right-hand side of my stomach where I often get pain, but never that bad. As I tried to stand, it gripped even tighter and I couldn’t straighten myself up and Adam came to my aid, as I straightened, the pain shot right the way up my right-hand side of my stomach, like razor blades slicing through me, for someone who lives on morphine, well I don’t think there could be a possible dose that could have covered that pain. I spent the next half an hour trying to stand as much as I could and pressing my hands into the pain in the hope that it might move what was ever causing the pain. I convinced Adam to go and take his shower, whilst I worked on trying to get rid of it. I don’t think there was a place that I didn’t try to perch on or even sit on, without being forced in a fraction of a second to standup-right again. I landed up in the kitchen leaning on the rounded end of the kitchen counter, pressing it into my stomach and leaning over so that I was almost lying on it, it seemed to help a little just as it has helped a little in the past. I waited until nearly 9:30 when the pain had faded a little and headed to bed, to my surprise I found sleep.

This morning, I feel as though someone has been punching me over my entire body, front and back, from my shoulder blades down to my tail. The worst of the sharpness has gone from inside me, I am still getting sharp spasms in all the same places, so it is by no means comfortable, but in comparison with last night, I feel wonderful. Tomorrow evening makes it two weeks since I got my GP involved, I have taken all the different doses of medication that he has supplied and all that has happened is more and more pain. He told me last week that it was nothing to worry about and that it could easily take another week to clear, which we are closing on quickly, but there isn’t the slightest sign of anything happening, other than it getting worse. He also told me that I have to keep eating, but eating is just making it worse, all it seems to do it add more fuel to the fire, packing things tighter and tighter. To be honest, the whole idea of eating right now, just makes me feel sick. I am now at a total loss as to what to do, if I phone the doctor, I expect him to make soothing noises and say that it will sort itself out and that all I have to do is keep taking the medication. It is slowly destroying me, even Adam has been aware that I can’t even find comfort in sleep, I may be asleep, but he says that over the last couple of nights I have been having almost constant spasms and don’t seem able to stay still. I know I am always tired, but it wearing me down in a way that just makes everything about my PRMS worse, all my pain levels are up, everywhere in my body and the fatigue just keeps building daily. I keep telling myself that Wednesday is the day I have to get to and through, as that makes the final day of his time scale, but I actually can’t see what more they can do for me, other than surgery and that to me is surely a rather severe response to constipation. If it would just move lower then at least I could use suppositories or an enema to clear it from there, but nothing is moving, it really is looking more and more like my intestine really has come to a total stop, something I don’t want to face, but I guess I might just have to, for now all I can do is wait.


Please read my blog from 2 years ago today – 16/02/13 – Relief 

It looks as though it is going to be a day of pain. 3 hours into my hours of being awake and my left leg is already volunteering for amputation. Everything didn’t seem that bad when the alarm sounded, but I think I had one sock on and my toes just into the second when it all began. It varies each day when it kicks in, I’m not saying that I sometimes feel full of energy and without pain, there is always a low level or……..