A happy Christmas morning to any and all actually reading this today. It’s strange how the Christmas we have in our heads are never the ones we have ever actually lived, but that’s the power of the movies and TV. In all honesty there is nothing more disappointing in life, as the day you grow up and discover it is all make believe, the magicians with camera’s have a lot to answer for. Mind you they don’t just do that with the good things in life, they equally do it with the bad things as well, why else would so many of us fear just the words chronic illness, or even the individual names of the illnesses we have, they never portray the true facts, or the fact that being ill doesn’t mean whipping out life in that very second the doctors say those dreaded words. It is Christmas day and we may be don’t have the magical Christmas tree and mountains of amazing presents, but neither am I lying in bed in more pain than I can’t deal with, in some dreary hospital, waiting for the visitors who don’t really want to be there. I am at home with the person I love snoring on the settee, (something’s don’t change even for Christmas) and I’m still writing, still able to sit at my desk and still able to feel that it’s Christmas, my favourite time of year, yes it still is, even without all the trappings.
Christmas time is a time of reflection for me, strangely far more than New Year which always sounded to me to be a far more logical time to think back, letting go of the old and moving into the new, logic or not, for me it is Christmas. I am constantly surprised by the fact that I am still writing daily and people are still reading it, definitely the more surprising of the two, but I can still write daily because being housebound simply wasn’t what I thought it would be. I had this vision of it being a kind of suspended reality, where I would have nothing to do, say or even think about, as all those things require events to happen, what possible event could there be when you go no where, see no one and talk to no one. In many ways I saw it as being a waiting time before I quietly just died, I never once thought that there would be a new life hidden and waiting for me, that would make life continue happily. So many honestly fear the whole concept of being housebound horrific and it was one of the things that I set out when I started blogging with a hope that I could break, or at least chip into it and help other to see it isn’t anything like they thought. As so often happens the true result of my endeavours, was to actually completed the transformation of my own life and to finally prove and polish what is no longer a façade, but something that goes right the way through me. I can be just as happy housebound as I ever was when I had my freedom, nearly eight years of work and hey, I have finally done it. It is amazing how we trick ourselves continually into thinking our life is great, we trick ourselves right through to the day we can look aback and say “what on earth was I thinking”.
This year without a doubt has been a tough year as far as progression of my condition has been, the truth about progression really is we don’t see it happening, it sneaks up on us and suddenly we look back for some reason and there is a person so much fitter and so much more alive than you are now. This year is no different on that point, but what is different, well just as I have settled totally and I am proud to say I am housebound and not just happy but truly content, I can also say, I am at ease with the new me, the one that will soon enter 2015. I have also truly in the past year not just accepted my condition and what it does, but I have also accepted everything that it has done. This year I worked on each and every change as it appeared, rather than waiting for the pile to be big enough to bother with, doing it bit by bit is just like doing housework as you go along, it is so much easier to handle and far less exhausting.
2014 has changed me, progressive illness has made sure of that, but it has also change my acceptance of it and my ability to deal with those changes. They say the best way to teach anyone is by example, well I’ve been doing that now for three years and right now I have no intention of changing that. A time to look back also usually includes a look forward as well, that though has been my biggest change this year, I have stopped looking forward and worrying about what might or might not happen. I still want to be in control of my life, as much as I can, but I no longer worry about if it will or won’t get worse, today, tomorrow or next year, I have learned to focus on the now. There is no right or wrong way, no magic wand that teaches us or cures us, what I do know is I still have a lot to do and a lot of people to try and get the message across to. Christmas and every other day of the year, alone or shared, can be more than just happy, housebound or not.
Please read my blog from 2 years ago today – 25/12/12 – More Christmass
Last night Adams family came round for a couple of hours to swap their presents and ignore my wish for no presents. I know people find it a strangely hard thing to do, but it made me fell terrible as we just can’t afford to give anyone anything. So there are now…….