Two days to Christmas and the world has gone quieter on line than I have seen it for a year. It seems that the majority of people in this world are too busy running around the world chasing all the things that they believe essential to make the day perfect. It took me 50 years to realise that the things don’t make Christmas, oh they make us feel good and brighten our homes and cities, but it is never the things that make Christmas and it is definitely not the exhaustion, stress or panic so many put themselves through. Our Christmas, complete or not is due to arrive this morning in the back of an ASDA wagon. It took me five days to complete my order, not that it is huge or anything, it was because of my terrible memory. I actually started 4 weeks ago by simply making sure I had a deliver slot booked and held for me by selecting my chosen day and time and checking through a carton of cigarettes, then totally forgot about it. Last weekend when I started to sort the whole thing out, followed by 4 more amendments of the things I had forgotten or changed my mind on and with no effort or extra cost. So when the doorbell goes, I will know what we have in the house for Christmas and exactly what we will be eating on what day, well there are sure to be some substitutes, but it was last night that made me totally not care what arrived or not. I had spent the afternoon watching the news channel covering the horrendous news about the six people killed in the city centre when a bin lorry ploughed into Christmas shoppers. It was horrendous that people who were out gathering their bits and pieces to make their celebrations what they wanted them to be, had died just because they were walking down that road at that second. I didn’t hear about it until I woke up from my nap and like many I listened to eye witnesses and watched the footage going out live of the aftermath as I went about my normal daily tasks. As terrible and as sad as it was, it wasn’t that that made me not care this year, it was when I heard in the evening that my son Christopher had been on the very same street as it happened and had witnessed the whole thing, fate was the only thing that saved him from being part of it, Christmas this year could have been very different.
Last night was actually a bit of an odd night all round, Adam and I sat and talked about things that had nothing to do with the TV for once, we talked about the things we never talk about, like money and our lives. I guess we are just the same as most couples, we don’t often talk about the things that are actually really important, the things that make us work as a couple. It’s odd how easy it becomes to just live around each other, I don’t mean that we love each other less as that never seems to change, what I mean is some subjects become the unspeakable’s the things we avoid, as discussion is too difficult. A few years after our marriage and after my diagnosis things went very wrong for us, I would go as far as to say that to me it felt as though one point going in different directions and money became an unspoken monster. From then on I actually avoided talking about money as it always caused arguments at worst and frosty silences at best, so to talk last night freely and on the same page, was actually wonderful. With Adams debts now cleared just a few months ago and my cutting down on my cig’s, well we actually are both on the positive side and it feels so good. I guess it was the breaking of that monster that let us continue to talk, as it really does feel like the third person in our marriage has finally moved out.
Talking always seems on the surface to be the easiest thing to do, but in reality, it is the hardest and often the most painful. When your emotional controls are shot and tears happen without any invitation, it also become something that I now think both of us avoid, me because I don’t want to spend another minute in floods of tears if I can avoid it and Adam because he doesn’t want to make me cry. There is something about tears, even when you know that they don’t mean what they do to all other people on the planet, they still somehow start to feel real to both of us, when they truly mean nothing. For me they also have this horrid side effect that I noticed a long time ago, once they start they pull with them a feeling of deep intense emotion with no root cause, that makes them flow even more. It is almost like the whole system has flipped as emotion should surly come first and worse still, just like sever pain leaves it shadow, so do tears and their emotional bomb, they are still returning with ease. My body is so mixed up at the minute that I don’t quite know what it is going to do next, I honestly feel as though I am in some kind of horrid fairground ride, as my symptoms are flying at me in some many different directions all leaving me feeling in rather a mess.
On the good side I have started to sort out a new daily plan and I am getting results, I am starting to free up time and that means I have more time to rest and time to start recovering and becoming myself again. I have high hopes for the next few weeks as things start to slot together again, but like everything else in life, time will tell.
Please read my blog from 2 years ago today – 23/12/12 – Lifes routine
A late night last night as I had to force myself to stay up and what the final of Strictly Come Dancing, well after watching for 3 months I wasn’t going to record and watch it today was I. I actually pushed myself last night as I started by eating too much, yes the Christmas menu has started. I had bought some great little…..