I stayed up for my latest night in over a year, well it was the final of “Strictly”, after 15 weeks of watching every week, I wasn’t going to miss it. I may watch 100’s of hours more TV than the majority of people, but I still think it is the best program around and I wanted to see what should have happened many times before, Pasha winning. I know that Adam thinks I have a soft spot for Pasha and I do, but not for the reasons he thinks, that I am sure off. I quite simply not only think he is a great dancer, but I admire him for the fact he found a way out of life in Russia and has made a great life for himself through his personal passion. Some people in life deserve admiration for more than just one thing.

10pm found me heading for bed with a problem, my body thought I was trying to kill it and my mind was whirling with happiness, what they say about not reading a good book runs true for good TV as well, you mind is so busy it just doesn’t know how to switch off. I had taken a booster pill at around 9:30, I had been waiting for Adam to come out of the shower as I was bursting to go to the loo. It was my fault I should have gone as soon as he said he was going to have his shower, but I didn’t want to leave the TV, I still haven’t totally managed to get used to the fact you can pause live TV. When I did get in there, I couldn’t at first get my bladder to comply, that happens a lot, there is something odd about the messages once it has accepted the “hold on not yet” one, it quite simply refuses to obey and defiantly refuses to listen, even when I plea. As it eventually started to run, I was hit in my guts by the same pain as I had a few weeks ago, the pain was blinding and straight away I was shaking and sweating. It was identical, straight across the top of my abdomen and down slightly off centre to my left side, once, twice and then a third time. I thought it was over and did my best to control my breathing and relax enough to let the pain pass from me, but as I eventually managed to empty my bladder completely, it hit me again, I was left feeling as though someone had been kicking me in my guts, a pain I know from a long time ago now, but the difference is only slight. Pain or not the TV was calling and as is always the case when your stomach is hurting like hell, walking become something your legs don’t want to do, but I straightened myself as much as I could and walked steadily back to the settee, I didn’t want Adam to worry or fuss.

I don’t know if it is just me, but when things are bad, I do everything I can to cover it. It doesn’t matter what it is, or were it is, I always want to wait and see what happens and to be honest, there really isn’t anything that anyone can do, pain isn’t taken away just because someone is holding you, fetching you things or any of the array of helpful actions, that actually don’t help. On top of that though there is something to me far more important, I don’t want anyone to ever think that I can’t cope when I can, I want that day when I scream for help, for it to be clear to anyone who is around, that I really do need it, I’m not just making a fuss. By the time I made it to bed it was just the shadow pain that remained and now that I was lying down, I also had the opportunity to prod around and see if I could feel anything, well I found the site of the pain with no trouble, it was still surprisingly tender and totally solid as it has been for ages. I had hoped that it might have been the prelude to my bowls actually working by themselves, but no such luck. All that I am aware of now is the racket of every mouthful of liquid I take, it clashes around until it reaches that top line of my abdomen then silence and a dull ache where what ever happened, happened.

I discovered the noisy stomach in the middle of the night, I woke desperate for the loo once again and once again, I had to fight for it to actually happen, but this time there was no added pain. While I was up I went to the kitchen for a smoke and a glass of coke as my mouth was as dry as a sandpit, the array of tablets I take seem to have the power of an enormous sponge. It is actually truly rare to find that I have any real saliva, I have tried the gels that the doctor can prescribe for me, but I honestly found them of little use, far better to just continually take tiny sips of anything wet. At night it gets so much worse, logical really, I wake most days with my tongue feeling like a piece of wood and lips stuck to my dried out gums. I am quite good normally at getting up and dealing with what ever it is that time, without really waking, it is almost a game of sleepwalking, but I was awake because of the fact I had had to apply thought to emptying bladder, something that doesn’t work when half asleep. Within a short time of lying down, the noise started, in fact it was a real racket, not only could I hear it gurgling and thumping it’s way around, I could feel it. Sleep wasn’t going to happen for a while longer that was clear. When I had returned to the bedroom I was aware that the room was freezing, so I left the bedroom door open so that the heat from the hall storage heater would filter through, unfortunately, all it did was to worry Adam. When he too woke a little later, I could hear him wondering around the hall and other rooms, stopping occasionally at the door as though he was listening, I knew he was looking for me. I don’t know where he thought I had gone as I swear I heard him even open the inner door and look at the front door, by that point I was wide awake and I went for a cigarette. I normally do keep the door shut because noise wakes me with ease, but the cold has gotten the better of me a few time recently. I think I have only once managed to go from that point to morning without getting up to shut it, just as I had to last night, within 10 minutes of Adam settling again, he was snoring and the bedroom door was firmly closed.

Two nights in a row, disturbed by stupid things, things that I had no control over, or could have changed in any way. I am so far out of normality that routine feels like a distant stranger and I have already given up trying to work out what my body is making of all of it, there is no point in me even trying. In the past 12 hours I have taken three booster tablets, they are holding the worst of the pain at bay, but not the discomfort or aches and once more I feel like I am sitting in a pit not even wanting to try to climb out and oddly, I’m quite content down here for the minute. Here’s to tomorrow.

Please read my blog from 2 years ago today – 21/12/12 – Fixing the gaps

Last night I actually remembered to ask Adam to sort me out a couple of cards to send to my Mother and brother, he had already done it. He realised that I have forgot all about it so when he was sorting out his cards for his family he added them onto his list. Clearly he has noticed that my brain just isn’t here or up to dealing with very much at the minute and……….