Just one more hour

I had another night of interruptions, it’s hard to believe that one body can become so annoying, just by doing what bodies were designed to do naturally. Once more after days of no action, I had been taking laxatives for several days and just like always happens, it was when I was asleep that my body decided it was time to do something about it. I have already decided this morning that after a life time of taking laxatives at night, not that they were much needed until the last few year, I am going to shift them to the morning, if nothing else it will show if it is me, or my timing of tablet taking that causes nights like this, well it has to be worth a try. If it had just been getting up to go to the loo, I probably wouldn’t have mentioned it as that on it’s own is not worth writing about, what brought it to being the start of today’s post is what happened every time I made it back to bed.

Normally it is almost as though I hadn’t been up at all, unless I have been to the kitchen for a cigarette, something I didn’t do last night as to be honest, I didn’t feel as though I was awake. The whole thing of getting up and leaving the bedroom for the bathroom, somehow felt as though it was a dream and sleep hadn’t left me at all. I felt as though I would be soundly asleep before I was beyond just lying down, in fact I don’t remember going back to sleep at all from my first jaunt, but the second and third are quite clear in my mind. Pain has the habit of etching itself into your mind and pain in my diaphragm was on par with the worst I can remember. I have no idea what was triggering it, possibly just the interruption to my sleep pattern, but it was as though I was being cut in half by an ever tightening drawstring and who ever was pulling on the string had one warped sense of humour. On the good side, it was the middle of the night and my bodies desire to be asleep was just that bit stronger, I don’t think I lay there for more than about 10 minutes on one occasion fighting to keep my breath shallow enough to avoid too much pain, but deep enough to keep my oxygen levels high enough. It’s a delicate balance and one that I am sure I have got wrong on more than one occasion, on the good side of that, well I am always lying down when these intense battles appear, so if I pass out, it doesn’t really matter as my body will then restores my natural breathing pattern and sleep then take over. This morning I can feel quite clearly the shadow pain from last night, pain like that never disperses without leaving a shadow, it is almost like it has to take the opportunity to remind you that it can actually win. I am just so glad that something happened to me years ago that switched me into sleep mode, it may be annoying loosing more than half of every day to sleep, but it also means I normally loose half the pain as well. Sleeping as much as I do is always going to be a double edged sword and I am constantly left with the feeling that I can’t waste a second of the time I am awake, as I am sure that as time goes on I will sleep more and more. Nine years ago I slept only about 4 to 5 hours a day and it edged it’s way up from there, what worries me is the next step I know isn’t that far away, most days I now want to sleep longer than do.

The issue steams from the fact that sleeping during the day, doesn’t have the same impact as sleeping longer at night. Right now I am going to be at 9pm, I don’t want to move that forward as if I did, I wouldn’t have any time to spend with Adam as that is our time. I get up each and every day at 7:30am, if I moved that onward to 8:30am which feels like the logical answer, I wouldn’t be up with Adam for him going to work. He has never been that good at getting up to the alarm and I know without a doubt that if I was half awake, I would go into panic mode that he was still lying on the settee asleep and I would have to get up to be sure he was on the move. That I know is my problem not his, when I was still going to work in the office I was up daily at 4:30 and I used to phone him every morning at 7:30 am to make sure he was awake and getting ready for work. Since I have been housebound, well I have been up every day at 7:30am so it hasn’t been an issue. I feel trapped between two issues that there is no simple answer to, of course on top of those is the issue of how would I get everything I do now done, with one less hour?

A disturbed night can and does have only one result, even though the lost sleep in total couldn’t be more than 20 minutes, the battle to get myself out of bed was incredible hard and just like during the middle of the night, I wasn’t finding the ability to truly wake up. Even by the time I reached the living room and I was stood in front of the TV with the controls in my hand, I was still asleep. I don’t know what I did, but I did something as instead of coming on as it has done since we bought it, it was asking to scan for channels that I know we can’t even get and refusing to accept I wanted to be on the satellite pick up. There is something about this new set that is really getting to me and that is actually the remote control, you can press the correct buttons, but it doesn’t always follow your command, if you hesitate or don’t make a clean straight down push, it ignores you and there is no way to make it listen, one attempt only seems to be the rule. My dexterity just doesn’t allow that to happen, unless it is by pure luck. After about 8 attempts, I was getting wound up and audibly frustrated, enough to wake Adam who took over to find he too couldn’t get it to do what it should, he even took about 5 goes before we suddenly had take off. Despite all my fears about the new TV, I have actually got to grips with most of it and yes I have run a second LAN to the corner, following the line of the first but with one disappointment in the fact there is about 8 inches of wire I could hide over the mantelpiece. The only thing that is holding me back from fully loving it, apart from the dodgy controls, is that although I can see the TV on the network and I have managed to send a test video to it from here, I can’t for the life of me work out how to send a the signal from a website, as in the On Demand service say from the Discovery channel. Like so many things, I am sure if I had the time, I would figure it out, but there is never enough time any more.

There is something about days like today, when it just feels as though it doesn’t matter what you do, the world is there ready to gang up against you and make them harder than they need to be. The really sad thing is somewhere along the line, my body decided that it would join the gang and make them even harder. The shadow is still there and now awake, there is something odd about the way it is always worse when lying down, I used to think that it was simply because of the lack of distraction, but recently I have had the same levels whilst fully awake and vertical, so bang goes that theory. I am sure I have said this before at least once, but I often think that it is a case of not so much trial runs when lying down, but preludes of what is next to come. I start to feel things at night, then they move into the main stream and night time versions gets worse, followed by the same happening during the day. I can think of loads of examples that fit that pattern, the most major being everything that happens in my ribs, intercostal muscles, diaphragm and lungs, which is another good reason to thank the fact I go to sleep with speed and stay that way, if I didn’t, I might just fear the future that bit more. Sleep can be a blessing in so many ways.

Read my blog from 2 years ago today – 18/12/12 – Forms to fill. 

I don’t know exactly where it is coming from as in MS or other, but I feel really terrible today. As yesterday went on I felt more and more ill and more and more in need of my bed, I went there at 8:30 last night but I think I should have gone at 7 when I……..