The past is never buried

I am sure that I am not the only person who has found themselves with a strange desire to do something, but when thought through, well it just seems stupid. Yesterday after I had finished my post I once again had this desire to email my old agent from when I was a DJ. I was triggered a couple of months ago to search on line to see if he is still around and he very much is, with about 50 DJ’s on his books including just one female. I was the very first female DJ John had ever taken on and the grape vine told me it was years before he replaced me. I worked through him for 6 years, but I would never have called him a friend, he was someone I spoke to every week and saw once every few months, but when I found him on line with an email address, I was so tempted to send him an email that simply said, “I am glad to see my legacy continues, but I had hoped you might have by now more than just one.” As I said, what would be the point, I am housebound, I am never going to see him again and I would just be opening myself up to having to explain about my health. I very publicly a couple of years ago here in my blog, went through finding and connecting with someone who was once my best friend, actually the closest friend I ever had. It was a total disaster as I wasn’t able to be the person she wanted me to be any longer and I quickly got the feeling that she felt guilty about disappearing on me the day after I married Adam and more guilty when she read about my health as my daughter sent the links to my blog. With in weeks we had split, she just didn’t seem to have time, despite having a 6 week holiday, to be in contact, not even an email when on holiday. I just didn’t want to be treated that way, so why would I want to contact someone else who my friendship with, never existed.

Anyone who is disabled, ill or housebound will tell you the same thing, friends vanish as your health gets worse, it is unfortunately the time when we need them even more and I have written several times about all that does to us as people and what I believe is really behind it, no malice is intended, it’s just what happens when we move away, nothing moves you further than your health. So why would I even think for a second about putting myself through it again. It couldn’t be more simple really, we all want to be the person we once were. It also couldn’t be more painful either, as there is no difference between grieving for someone who has died, than grieving for the you who has died in so many ways. Memories are always going to be a double edged sword for everyone, ill or not, as they can both make us smile and laugh, but they also can make us hurt because we have lost so much of what we had back then. I doubt that anyone can work their way through their past lives without a mix of every emotion possible, but there a few things that change not only with age, but also with health. As we age we start to loose those people who defined our lives at different stages, people die, it’s a fact of life, one none of us can avoid. When your health has become a barrier to all those accidental meeting we all have when out and about and we have lost all our contacts who could keep us up to date with the lives of those we once knew, it starts sooner. All those people may still be alive, but in so many ways they died when I became ill.

Just writing that brought more of my untimely tears streaming down my face, which tells me without a doubt that I hit the nail on the head and hit it hard. I have been housebound now for 8 years in January, that is a long enough to have lost everyone apart of course from Jake, who has been a great friend now for about 20 years. We met through my being a DJ and clicked as we both new the Glasgow music business backwards, he owned his own studio and PA company, not quite as grand as it sounds, trust me it’s hard work, but even he didn’t know half the people I did back then. In comparison Adam and I have only known each other for 16 years and none of his circle knew any of mine, different worlds brought together. That is the truth of my world these days, 2 people who have stood by me, out of more than I can actually remember any longer, probably the truth of millions of lives that have been smashed into fine dust by our health. The truth that far to many of us know all to well, the truest thing that can ever be said about chronic illness, is that as it worsens, the less people we will have to just talk to, or even see.

Reaching out may work for some people, but I am sure the truth is, it will be a small number. Tracy isn’t the only person I have tried to bring back into my life since I became ill, I tired with two school friends and with some I knew before I met Adam. The results have always been the same, it only works for a short time and only when I do all the running, the minute I am late answering an email, or I couldn’t make it to the pub that weekend, they slowly drifted off again. I suppose that if you were once the person who was out and about and always had friends surrounding you, it is hard to ever accept that that person is gone. I know that that is what this blog is about, although I never intended to even write it, it just fell out of my head and here it is once more out there for others to read. I opened something yesterday, a wound that I thought had been healed so well that I would never have to feel this again, but I guess that was rather naive of me, as how do you live your life without those memories of time past, you can’t. It’s seems there is another symptom to chronic illness and that is grieving for yourself and it appears that never really ends.


Please read my blog from 2 years ago today – 06/12/2014 – Body mass changes

My right leg for a change is the one requesting amputation but as they say a change is as good as a rest, well they are wrong, I would rather have the rest. lol. There are times that I am sure that all of us who live in the Chronic brackets just wish that we could flip a switch and turn off the whole thing, just bring a time……