Another morning starts with my guts going into spasm at the first sign of anything greater than liquid. If it were my stomach, I could understand it, as that makes total sense, but how just swallowing a handful of tablets can cause my actual intestine to in seconds go into spasm, makes no sense what so ever. Just to make it just that bit more interesting for me, my diaphragm also joined in so from my waist to my breast bone, there was on tight and solid mass causing me to even change the way I walk. It isn’t due to pain, this isn’t a painful type of spam, just the sort that tightens everything, as though I was flexing the muscles, which I’m not as I don’t actually think that you can consciously tighten either, but when they go tight as they are at the moment, there is a sudden reaction that is pure instinct, you hunch forward as though you are in great pain. There are so many movements that we make that come from pure instinct and there is nothing at all that you can do about it, it’s not to the point I would call doubled up, but your shoulders fly forward before you have even noticed consciously the spasm itself and every time it suddenly tightens, forward you go again. I was in the kitchen when it started and although I am used to it, I still found myself walking as though my back was hunched and having to straighten myself again, doing so as always with care, just in case there is any pain hidden there. I am just glad Adam is still asleep as I know without a doubt that he would start fussing, not believing me that there is nothing wrong of note, just my mad body displaying it’s lunacy.

Two nights in a row now I have taken my laxatives and once more nothing has happened, which puts me in a rather difficult position, as tomorrow is my day to go to the dental hospital for them to look at the remains do the ‘things’, taking them tonight could leave me in a difficult and potentially embarrassing position. I have to admit that I even hesitated over taking them last night, as I know all to well they don’t always work when they should, but after my problems of a couple of months ago, I now have a healthy regard for making sure that I go to the loo at least once every seven days. When I went to bed last night, I had forgotten that Adam had spent a few hours in it during the morning, I just got into bed to firstly find it was flat, then my pillows weren’t in the right place, plus he had pulled the under blanket so far across to his side, that I could put my entire hand on the mattress and still not actually touch it. All of those things are fair enough but it’s odd when what is normally purely my bed is all wrong, I imagine it’s like having lent your car to a friend, only to find that they have moved not just your seat but everything in reach. On the good side, I slept without waking at all, it felt so good this morning to wake and realise that it wasn’t my body, but the alarm clock that had woken me. Following yesterdays problems with my breathing, I have to say that it wasn’t what I expected at all, especially as when I first got into bed, I was hit straight away with a replay of the night before, but I have found the price for it. There is always a price, something that is left behind to remind me for a while of what has happened, this time it is pain in the upper half of my right rib cage up to the base of my neck, every time I move my arm out to pick up my glass or push a door, or I take a deeper breath than normal, I get pain chasing into my chest along the line of the muscles in that area, not for the first time it appears that my spasms have resulted in some pulled muscles.

Between the bruises that never disappear and the constant stream of pulled muscles, I am no longer left in any doubt of the strength that the spasms in my chest now have. I have managed to pull them not just in my chest, but once more up into my arm pit and the top of my arm, as they to are often in spasm at the same time. For the majority of my life I have lived with spasm, mainly in my arms, legs and my lower back and like most people with poor balance, I have also had mysterious bruises that appeared and I dismissed as something I must have hit without knowing. The longer I live with my visibly bruised ribs, the more I wonder if the truth was not that I had forgotten walking into something, but that I had torn the muscle when in spasm and just like my ribs, they too had bruised. In fact it actually surprises me that my body hasn’t been covered with bruises for almost my entire adult life, as when you think about it, if a muscle is managing to cause so much pain, the force of it’s cramping must be pulling it away from the surrounding muscles or attachments to bones and so on. If you have an accident and pull a muscle in that way, there is always bruising to go with it, so why not from sever spasms. Personally though, I don’t want to be the person to prove that theory correct.

In the last couple of weeks my typing has been getting worse and worse, something that I was actually becoming proud of, as although I always touched typed, I had never had any great speed, acceptable but not fast. After two years of writing every day, well naturally my speed had improved, as I never before typed anything more than the odd email, although my problem with what I called dyslexic fingers had always remained the same, I am not a trained touch typeset, more a developed one so the odd missed key either through error or dexterity was always to be expected. Recently I have invented a new form of error and it’s one that isn’t just annoying because it slows me down, but it’s actually rather odd and occasionally funny. I have found myself typing words that I don’t even need, I know that sounds odd, but it’s the only way I can explain it. I will be writing a sentence and when I read it back, there is a correctly spelt word, that has nothing to do with what I have been writing about. In some cases it is like I have been using auto complete, as the first two letters will be from the word I wanted to type, but the rest is wrong, I found one a few seconds ago, the word should have been “same”, I had typed “say”. I am sure that there are some that I am missing on reading back, so I apologise if you have found some and been rather confused, but the issue is as they are real words, spell checking doesn’t show them up. On other occasions they are a totally extra words, again making no sense, or even in the wildest stretch of my imagination relevant in any way and still not a miss spell, just a random word in the midst of everything else. It doesn’t matter how fast you type if it all has to be checked and checked again and deleting and checking again, everything becomes slowed and takes longer. I know it has been happening mildly for a while, I have found a few in past posts, but now it is happening all the time, often several times in just a couple of sentences.

I am guessing that what is behind it, is something yet again to do with what is happening to my brain, somehow I am not consciously seeing what I am doing and these words are breaking through on to the page as my mind is working out what it is trying to say, relating it to my fingers faster than my conscious brain can keep up with. As always it’s just my guess work, but without a reason it would really worry me, I’d rather have a theory than nothing at all.

Please read my blog from 2 years ago today – 5/11/12 – Feeling the hope

I seem to be spending a lot of time crying just now, not something I want to do but something that I have to do. I am not normally the type of person who wallows in self pity, but to be honest it is more grief than pity. I have for to long been convincing myself that I carried off an award worthy……