I hoped that I might have a message from Jasmine this morning but so far nothing. It’s really hard when you receive a message like hers’ as technically there is nothing I can or anyone else can do to help her, as she could be anywhere in the world. For some reason yesterday, I had it in my head that she was in the UK, but that is me still holding onto my old-fashioned view of the world where we only speak to those around us. I can’t fully put myself into her shoes, being bed bound and alone like that has to take it’s toll on anyone, but that is the reality that far too many of us face. I get mad at times when I hear stories of people locked into that situation, we call ourselves a caring society, but where is that care when it comes to the end of our lives, when we can no longer give anything in return, so the world leaves us alone with no escape from never ending pain. It’s not just chronic illness, but old age and even depression, that all fall into that net of needing care but little given unless you are lucky enough to have a family around. My heart goes out to her but only time will tell if anything I said reached her.

I realised this morning that I only have one more day of antibiotics left and the ‘things’ are still there quietly leaking, better but still there. I keep checking them, but it isn’t so easy now, when they were at their worst the area’s around them where highly swollen and pushed them into positions where a little light and a mirror revealed their condition easily, as the swelling lessened, especially the smallest one, disappeared into a position I just can’t see with any ease at all. Seeing them or not, I can taste them which I find strange as I wasn’t aware of any taste until the started to go down in size, to be honest apart from the morning when I first woke, I wasn’t that aware of them in any way what so ever, it’s just another of those things that now appears on that list of things that start with the word ‘Why?’, it’s a really long list now and it appears that I will only be adding more and more over the rest of my life, as things do seem to be getting odder and odder. Like the fact I have now for three nights in a row taken a laxative and I still haven’t cleared through what is lurking inside, just tiny painful amounts each morning, but I do have the feeling it is improving. I will wait until tonight and if nothing else has moved, well I am going to take a double dose, something I have done before a few years ago and if that doesn’t work, well I will give in and call the doctor as clearly even a laxative is failing to do what it should. They are supposed to make the muscles contract more strongly and that way push everything through your system, but it appears that even that stimulus isn’t enough to make mine work. I honestly think they are just failing totally now, it has been getting worse over the years, but like a lot of things, even when I ask for help they simply do tests, say they can’t help and put it back in my hands to deal with, maybe I should start telling them that I am not a doctor and it’s their job to fix me, not mine.

More than anything I am surprised how someone can be living on high levels of morphine, plus other painkillers, yet still I can feel pain so badly that my body goes into that horrid cold sweat and shaking. I only once before went through pain like that and that was when I was in labour with my first son, well anyone trying to give birth to an 11lb 2oz baby who had no use of his legs to help push himself out, would have been in extreme pain, but I still remember clearly the shaking and sweating that I went through for the last hour. Yet here I am, dosed up to the eyeballs and still managing to feel pain that badly, to me there is something wrong there! I know painkillers are wrongly named, they don’t kill pain, they just dull it, pain doesn’t go away, it’s still there and you still feel it but at a manageable level, well the pain that my bowels have caused me every morning since Sunday, isn’t manageable, it’s painful and another question on my ‘Why?’ list and on the list of what I want the doctors to fix.

I didn’t really think about it until yesterday, but the stomach spasms that I have been having for the past few weeks have almost vanished. It has to be a guess as clearly, I haven’t spoken to my GP, but I am wondering if they were all part of the same problem that I am having with my bowels. I think that my stomach was desperately trying to push it’s contents into a space that didn’t really exist, as I don’t remember feeling any, well apart from the mildest, in the past couple of days anyway. I am finding it hard to accept that I was so disconnected with what was happening, even accepting the fact that my memory is shot, to not realise that I was in a growing dangerous situation that my body was giving me clues about, is more than worrying. What next will I miss, or dismiss simply because I haven’t remembered the clues along the way? I thought that the longer I was ill, the more I listened to my body and worked with it, the safer I would be, but I didn’t allow for one thing, my memory, what is the point in listening when you can’t remember what you heard.

Read my blog from 2 years ago today – 19/09/12 – Reflexology 

The therapist has been and gone, she is a really lovely lady and was here for 2 hours. We started with talking and I gave her a list of my illnesses and the problems that I am really looking for the most help with. She then set up her massage table and mixed an oil with had a mild smell of herbs to it, before starting…..