For you Jasmine

I woke today with the alarm and the wonderful feeling of an aching belly. The first dose of laxatives failed, so I had to repeat it last night, I still haven’t been to the loo, but I don’t think I have that much longer to wait. It’s odd how pain at times can be welcome, you would think pain would never be welcomed by anyone, but trust me it has put a spring, not so much in my step, but at least in my mind.

Oddly as it is Wednesday I am waiting for my shopping to arrive, there were problems on the ASDA site the other day, problems that actually had me in a state of panic, to begin with and found me on the phone to ASDA to check if it were true. Everything seemed fine until I went to the checkout when suddenly it told me that they no longer delivered to my address, instead of taking it in my stride, I panicked, I was running through in my head what I was going to do now, how I was going to afford the more expensive other options and how long it was going to take me to not only find what I wanted on a different site but if I could actually even buy the same things. So I phoned to be told to my relief on my second call that it was a site error they were fixing, the first call just made things worse as I had this patronising voice trying to tell me not just but how to remove cookies and wasn’t listening to me when I said I knew perfectly well what I was doing. It seems to be the attitude of all these companies now, that the consumer is thick and doesn’t understand how to use a PC. I have always got angry at that attitude, I accept it slightly when I am speaking to someone like Dell, but ASDA, I don’t think so, actually even Dell didn’t get close to using that tone with me. It actually surprises me that despite having forgotten how to function as a human, I still hold on to a huge amount of info about my beloved PC, show me a tablet or a smartphone and I doubt I would know what to do. Actually, I proved that last night as Adam was in the kitchen doing his weights and had left his mobile through here so that the alarm would sound at 8pm to remind me about my meds. Well when it sounded I did what I thought was right, touch the “X” on the screen, nothing, so I tapped it, nothing, I tried both again, but it just kept chiming at me and I had to take it to Adam who showed me just how simple it was, touch and drag, sorry but that isn’t logical. Give me a PC any day, nothing I have seen can compete with what I have used for the past 7 years, it was well over spec when I bought it and thanks to the knowledge I have, I have kept it bang up to date and it hasn’t lost any speed or efficiency at all, so well worth what I spent on it, it’s my friend now. I know that might sound really odd but after Adam and Teressa, this is the next on my list of priorities and those I love, I couldn’t live without it for far too many reasons.

I often say on twitter that chronic illness changes everything about your life, I have tried throughout all that I write to show not just the problems of living with all the different illnesses I have, but to also show the brighter moments and events, but it isn’t just the things that happen in your life that changes, values, needs and desires and beliefs all change as well. I can’t think of a single thing that my health hasn’t affected, but all those things change throughout life for anyone, what I believe is different is the strength of all those changed feelings. I don’t think that I was ever a person who had strong beliefs, not ones strong enough to stand up for, I could never have been a revolutionary, or even a protester, I was content in my life as it was and all those things others saw as major, well they had a right to feel that way and I also had a right to not be part of any of it. I guess I was just like the majority of people content to just get on with things as they were, where I differed was, I never complained about anything. What governments did they did, even if it directly made my life harder, well I said nothing to no one and I just got on with it. In the last few years I have found that I actually do have deep and strong feelings about some things, they aren’t new, they are just grown and grown, all because of my health.

Yesterday I was left a comment from Jasmine, other than what she wrote, that’s all I know about her, her name. I don’t need to know what condition she has, or how long she has been ill, as what she said was enough. She quoted the last line of yesterday’s post and then she wrote: –

“This is my reality completely, but it’s not just a feeling, it’s knowing, and I have nobody or nothing to live for or that loves me. All I want to do is die, and I will, soon. Somehow I will get what I need and put myself out of my misery.

My life is HELL, and I spend it 24/7 in bed, crying for everything and everybody I have loved and lost, knowing that I am permanently disabled, will never again have another pet, my own home, winter clothes, friends, or be able to feel happy for even a moment.

I cannot relate to the person whom I once was; I wish I never was that person because I wouldn’t miss being her so damn much now.

People who say that suicide is never the answer are WRONG. They live in a glass house. NOBODY should have to live in misery until they die a natural death. I don’t deserve that, and I believe in the right to die.”

Jasmine I totally relate to you, I haven’t reached the point you find yourself at and I am not going to do what I know you will already have heard from far too many people, that things will get better and all that rubbish, I won’t pat your hand and tell you to keep your chin up as I walk away to get on with my life, as I have heard it all too. You expressed so clearly what I know is ahead of me and so many others. I too believe in the right to die and I have said so many times through my writing, what I hate is the position that we are forced into, finding a way that might not work and might just make things all that much worse. It is a fact that in countries where it is legal, the majority of people who ask for the drugs, don’t ever take them. What they do though is give us options and the security of knowing that when we really have taken things to the end, that we can choose, that we have right there the route to ending it. None of us deserve to be at that point, none of us should be forced to go through what is unbearable and only each one of us as individuals, know when that point is. Many who have asked for the drug have said that just knowing they were in control, was enough to make things better, their minds were at rest and life got better.

I wish I could Jasmine give you just a tiny bit of the hope and the happiness that I still find in life, that I could get you out of that bed, even if it was just to sit in a chair and see life from a different angle. I wish I could inspire you to hold on, to find in yourself just a little strength, you proved to me that you too can express what is happening to you, well I see in that alone a purpose, so use it. You clearly have read what I write, well others could read what you write, I for one would. I write because I feel the issues of those who are chronically ill have been hidden for too long and I intend to write about it to the end. I’m one voice, the more that put into words how we live, what has and is happening to us, the more it is heard by others, the bigger the chance that things will change and you, me and everyone else has of having the right options for us, not those that others think is right because they haven’t a clue about the reality. We are that reality and we all need to be heard, today, tomorrow and always. I can’t make your life better, only you can and when the time comes, be it your way or not, for both of us and all the others out there, that it comes easily and peacefully. For now, we live one day at a time, let today be a good one

Read my blog from 2 years ago today – 17/09/12 – Arrangements 

I am a lot brighter today, as I thought it was just one of those days and there was no escaping it, I just had to get through it. Days like that happen to all of us, and I am lucky that they really don’t happen that often. I am not sure how or why but I really do get less of them now than I used to, some might……