Small steps

Things didn’t change much yesterday, to begin with it felt almost as though I was working of a carbon copy of the day before until after I had my afternoon nap, I actually woke with a little energy, well enough that I headed off to have my shower. I haven’t had a shower for a few days, I just wasn’t up to it. like it or not, it is a huge energy drain, even though I am sat down in the shower, there is still a lot of activity in washing your entire body, even worse if you add in my hair, which I had to. I can’t remember the last time I had a shower and felt better for having one, I can remember feeling that way in the past, but in the last few years, it is has been little other than a chore. Yes, I have had the odd shower where I have sat there and actually really enjoyed the water, one of those times that although you haven’t touched the controls, the water is the perfect temperature and just feels wonderful, quickly spoiled by the fact I am there to get washed. Of course that isn’t the end of it as worse still, I also have to get dried, making sure all the vulnerable areas of skin are patted dry with a paper towel, then covered in Savlon, before fighting with putting my clothes back on, sorting my hair and finally tidying up the bits and pieces in the bathroom. Nothing in my life is simple any longer.

Despite all that something had changed, yesterday, I came through here showered and tired but still feeling more me than I have done for a week or so. It isn’t just being exhausted, cold, having raised pain levels or the fuzzing of my brain that has gone mad in the last few day, so has my emotional controls, once again I seem to be crying for no reason. It is one of the good things about being alone, I can at least sit here with tears rolling down my face without having to try and explain what is going on, because I am damned if I know. I have to say that I am glad that if my emotional control had to go, that I got the tears rather than the laughter, I can’t imagine what it is like to just suddenly start laughing without any reason, it would make life even more difficult. I stuck to my plan and avoided doing anything other than playing a game until Adam came home, I have been tricked by my health too many times over the years to accept anything at face value. I always fade slowly as the evening passes, so there is nothing new there and I did just the same last night still heading of to bed as I always do around 9, it was when I got there that I realised I was actually still weaker than I thought I was. Lying down somehow is always a trigger for a lot of odd things, especially my “hugs”, they clamped in within seconds and I once again had that feeling that I was wearing a lead bolero length corset. I am used to it appearing, but last night it was tighter and heavier than usual and just to make it more fun, my diaphragm clamped tight, breathing is usually a useful thing to be able to do, but I had no choice other than to shallow breath, something that often makes me feel light headed if I keep it up for too long, but there is little choice. Sleep is a relief in so many ways, not only does my body take over all the worry about is this going to cause me pain or not and I don’t have to do a single thing other than wait for the alarm to sound.

This morning I once again feel just like I did the past few morning, but I am once again making good headway through my trimmed down on-line life, despite being as tired as hell. I don’t think I will ever get used to waking up after 11 hours sleep just as tired as I was before I went to bed, not only do I want another 11 hours sleep, but I am having one of those mornings where my fingers can’t find the right keys and every time I stop, they start to hurt. I don’t think that today I will have any more trouble than I did yesterday sticking to the trimmed day, I’m still too wiped out to actually fight that plan. I know there is one thing I can’t do and that is look into the future, when ever I try, my body seems to see it as a free for all, finding as many ways as it can to prove me wrong, right now I am sticking to my goal of back to normal on Monday, but to make that goal, I did expect that I would have felt more alive today than I do. I may have set a goal, but I am also saying it now, if Monday comes and I can’t make it back to normality, well I will shift the goal, there is no point in me pushing hard when I have been knocked so low. This is the first time in over 2 years that I have actually put my hands up and said OK you win, believe me it was a really hard thing to do. Now that I have, well I don’t want to head back to being busy all the time, just to have to throw the towel in again a few days later, I want to be fit enough to put this behind me where it belongs and to come back and stay back.

I have one of those chicken and egg problems, we discussed it last night but got no where near to an answer, maybe you might know it. We all know that the temperature here in Britain has fallen dramatically and I even put how cold I was and how my nerves turn it into a living nightmare the other day. I have now gone into full winter rig, pyjamas, two dressing gowns and socks, that is how cold I am find the house just now, but here is the problem. As you know I am also struggling big time just now and I am sleeping more than I normally do as I am just to tired, it is also a fact that when you are exhausted you start to feel cold, but it is also a fact that when you are severely cold you want to sleep more. Either could be making my situation worse by aggravating the other, but which one is it, the cold or the tiredness? I just thought I would leave you with something to think about 🙂

Read my blog from 2 years ago today – 23/08/12 – TV Asylum >