I called yesterdays post “Spiral” I didn’t fully realise at the time just how correct that title was. I was struggling at the time when I was writing, I could feel it growing and growing as I worked down my post, by the end it was almost sentence by sentence, I had to keep changing things as what I was writing often appeared to be gobbledygook, I just hope I caught most of it. I am warning you now things aren’t much different today. When I finished my post I set up the tweets to publicise it and found myself unable to do anything else, my exhaustion had hit a point where I felt physically sick, my body was getting colder and colder, well that is at least how I was perceiving it and my brain was screaming at me, with a loud piercing white noise, one I knew all to well, yes I had been there before and I am sure I will be there again.
Last year I wrote about a couple of really strange spells where I felt like I was lost in time, that I didn’t belong here and my mind kept pulling me to strange places, understandably time periods that I have a great interest in, well don’t worry it hasn’t fully happened again, but I do have a new angle on it which makes last years episodes more understandable. I was having that feeling of not belonging here again and I don’t know why I suddenly understood what was going on, the more exhausted I got, the less I was able to deal with my everyday life, a life surrounded by technology that I was finding harder and harder to use, almost as if I were forgetting how it all worked. I became more and more frustrated by everything, even my e-cig became a monster with stupid buttons to push and when the oil needed refilling I almost burst into tears, not my normal reaction to life, but at least I had my friendly real cigs, nice and easy to use. Even the TV was getting the better of me, programs ended and I was faced with a remote control and sign on the screen telling me to do things, things beyond me, like pressing buttons I press multiple times every day. At 12:15 I gave in, I didn’t even switch things off, I just stood up and went to bed, setting the alarm for 2 hours, I still had so much to do, but I needed to stop. It was my second run at the day, that all sort of fell into place for me, I realised that my feeling of not belonging was tied to that feeling of not being able to work with the modern world, the past doesn’t have computers.
I crashed through badly what was left to do out of my day, apart from the posting picture on twitter, that one was a step to far, it took me to just after 4 and I returned to bed, no alarm this time, I couldn’t be bothered even trying to set it and Adam would be home so worse case I would be woken by him coming home. As it turned out I work about ten minutes before he came through the front door, I had slept away in total just less than 4 hours of my day, on top of my 11 hours the night before that was a rather bad show to say the least. Sleep seemed to be easy and despite it I was still in a total mess, I didn’t even try to come back up here and get on with things and I had loads I could have been doing, the new Quote site (www.quoteandquote.com) went live yesterday and the piece I wrote for them was there for all to see, but I couldn’t even return the favour of publicising my blog, by doing the same for them on twitter. I did nothing all evening but sit and talk with Adam about what was happening and sort of watch TV, I had it in my mind that I because I had slept so much during the day that I was going to push to stay up an hour past my normal time, it was a plan that fell apart after 20 minutes, I was back in bed and asleep with ease, waking briefly to go to the loo at around 6am then out again until 7:30.
So how do I feel today? Rotten! I am once again ice cold and layers of clothing don’t seem to keep me warm as I was when I woke in bed, but I have a plan for today, one that I hope will let me rest more and feel happier about what I am doing on line until I feel more like myself again. I have taken a huge pair of scissors and trimmed the whole thing back, the bad thing is no one will see that until tomorrow as I work a day ahead to allow for the odd bad day, this is now several in a row and there is no catch up room left, at best I am falling even further behind. I’m here and coping just, I am a long way from my normal self, but I have no intention to let people down yet, yes there is a “yet”. Yesterday I managed to be awake for a total of 9 and a half hours, today so far I have managed 2 but I know I won’t be here until my normal afternoon nap time, that just isn’t going to happen, as I am failing already. I knew the last few weeks had taken a lot out of me and pushed me harder than any other time I have been through in a long time, will I learn from it, probably not, it takes a lot for me to give in or give up, I said I would write every day and I will, if I make my word count, well I guess we will just have to wait and see.
Adam was more reluctant than ever to go to work, but he went, as I said there is nothing he can do, I am either awake or asleep and in neither will him being here make an difference. He tried to get me to call the doctor, which I personally see no point in as he is simply going to tell me to go to bed and rest, something I have accepted I don’t have a great deal of choice about, possibly I could go there before I hit the bottom and can’t move, but other than that what can a doctor do to help me, nothing.
Read my blog from 2 years ago today – 21/08/12 – Moral Injury > http://bit.ly/Rd2Gqn