Building to explode

Once again that feeling that my muscles are going to explode if I try once more to perform a repetitive action, something that is impossible to not do in the first part of my day. I know you can reprogram keyboards so that different keys will perform all the actions that I now use with the ctrl key, although I am tempted I fear that I will just make things worse, well with my memory there is a chance I will just drive myself nuts, trying to remember what I changed them too. I learned a long time ago to release all my muscles so that I could quite violently shake out my hands and arms, but even that isn’t enough, it does feel really good for a short while. So much so I have to admit it is tempting to not just stop after a few second but to keep going, probably not a good idea though as I am sure that I would land up hurting something if I did. It actually feels so good that I wish I could somehow do the same action with my entire body, not just impossible, but something I am sure I don’t want to perform with anyone near enough to possible witness, the layers of fat would be just too silly to watch as they independently juddered over my body.

I won’t be checking until tomorrow but I actually feel as though I have lost some weight, I have felt that before and been disappointed so I am not holding my breath. For the last two weeks I have changed my diet enough to cut out a lot of the fat I was eating every day thanks to my love of cheese, some of the no fat or low-fat cheeses are actually really nice, but some, well I wouldn’t give them to anyone to eat. Tomorrow is shopping day, once more I will scour the site to see if I can find anything else I haven’t tried, but I have one problem, I really hate goats milk and so many of the low fat cheeses are made of it. I have even stopped having porridge every morning, not just because I want to loose weight, but it isn’t really the type of food I fancy when the weather is as warm as it is just now. I doubt if anyone will be surprised to learn I have replaced it with even more rice cakes and cheese. I honestly think this is the longest fad eat I have had in years, before this I think I have to go back at least 20 to a spell where I got stuck on just porridge and honeydew melons, that one lasted 10 months, so far I would say I am now around 7 plus.

I actually kind of expected to wake today with my muscles all clamped up again, yesterday was a day where Twitter managed to drive me nuts for most of the day. There were just silly little glitches that ate my time and put the frustration levels through the roof. Last night when I was sat watching TV, I could feel the first signs of my muscles being clamped and wanting to explode, although I was doing absolutely nothing. I have to admit if it hadn’t been that what we were watching was actually really good, I am sure I would have gone to bed around 8pm, just so I could lie down and force them all to relax. Maybe I should have, maybe if I had taken the hints I was being given and followed through, I wouldn’t be feeling like this morning. I don’t know if they are connected or not, but I also have had really tight hugs going on. My diaphragm as always has been tensed up in spasm, but so much so the last couple of days, that I have found myself trying to sit as upright as I physically can, trying to stretch my body, removing any possibility of the discomfort being made worse by my internal organs being squashed up. It is one of those actions that has mixed results, but it is more instinctive and done without thought, almost as though my body has taken control, telling me what to do. Those on their own are bad enough but I live with them daily, varying in strength, but always there, yesterday the upper body hug resurfaced and added it’s annoyance into the mix. It started when I was in bed for my nap, within seconds of lying down I felt it, a band right across my upper ribcage, just behind my breast running from one armpit to the other. I wish I knew what it is about lying down that causes them to get stronger or in this case just start up, but it is always worse in bed. I used to think it had to do with the lack of distractions through there but it didn’t add up, now I just accept it but that doesn’t mean I have to like it. It was from that point on that I started to feel that my body was getting tenser and tenser just as my intercostal muscles had, so were those in my arms and legs.

Although I can’t say that pain levels are bad, they aren’t, but just even sitting here with what I suppose in reality would medically fall into the area of minor spasms, is really uncomfortable and really does build up the stress levels, making it a self-feeding circle. I have never done this before, as well you already know that I have this stupid idea that medication is only to be used for precisely the reason it was prescribed, but I have just taken one of my Morphine boosters. I don’t know if it will work or not, but what I am hoping is that the sedative side of the Morphine will relax them all just enough to make it all that bit more bearable and hopefully break that circle. My full night sleep failed, I woke up three times last night, all of them I remained in bed and I slept again, but all of them found me quickly aware that those muscles were tight and this is now the only other thing I can think of. I will let you know tomorrow if it does.


Please read my blog from 2 years ago today – 20/07/12 – La La Land and back 

So here I am, sat with a picture of me in front of me, a picture I don’t like because of what I see, I don’t like. What I see is a woman who has aged in the past 5yrs faster than in any other 5yr period in my life. They say that MS is a hidden illness, one that others can’t see and I always used to agreed with that statement, after all, I have lived with it unknowingly from the age of 21, right through to……