It happened again, Adam fell asleep before closing the curtains around the house, so I found myself awake at 6 am, better than 5:30 but still far too early. With my day begun, I of course just headed through here, waking Adam in the process, then started on my daily run online, Adam of course just went back to sleep. I found my afternoon yesterday ran really easily, with Adam taking over just that simple task of telling me in the morning that I need to shower that day, actually makes the rest of it much easier. I know that sounds odd, but it’s is as though I see it as disappointing him if I don’t, so I set out on my day with it clearly set in my head, that I have to make the space and I have to do it. Before I knew that I needed to do all of that, but I didn’t have the extra factor, as no one but I knew what my plans were, whether or not I worked towards it, or if in fact, I had even intended to do anything different with my day, I was free to forget. I guess that is where my education and upbringing comes in again, you don’t disappoint your husband, what he wants has to be done, don’t get me wrong, I never worked that way, I always had it in my head circling around, but if I didn’t have time then I didn’t do it. Maybe those school fees have at last found a use.
My concentration is off today, I have noticed that it is the thing that suffers first when I haven’t had a full nights sleep, almost as though parts of my brain just keep falling asleep whenever they choose, leaving me sitting staring into space, or drifting into the story of the program on the TV. My ability to be both sat here writing and holding on to the TV at the same time, just vanish, I suppose that is the reason I get lost on days like today, I leave myself open to too many different possibilities. How can losing just an hour and a half, out of 11 hours sleep make such a huge difference? I can remember being able to work at full tilt on just that hour and half sleep without any problem. When I was a DJ, there was a point when I was working on one of the local radio stations, the slot I had was the morning show, which meant I was on air from 9am to midday. On its own no problem but the station was in Ayr, which meant I had to be on the 6am train to get there with enough time in the library to collect up any records that weren’t on the playlist but I required. Again sounds easy, but I was working at night, usually from 5pm to 7:30pm in the show bar, 8pm to 11pm in a pub, then from midnight to 3am in a club, getting home at around 4 am, no time to even get undressed, I just lay on my bed trying not to destroy either my hair or make-up as I had to be on the move again in an hour and a half to get my train, I couldn’t sleep on the morning train as Ayr wasn’t the final station and I feared missing my stop. Once finished at the radio station there was another train journey, this time napping as the train terminated in Glasgow, I made it home again at about 2pm, time for a wash, change of clothes and another nap before starting all over again. It only lasted for a few weeks, I realised that something had to give and as I didn’t really like the radio work as I loved my live audiences, the radio went. Now I couldn’t even get myself to one of the venues, far less work once there. Strangely I loved the craziness of those years, not all as frantic as that, but I was always on the run, always going somewhere, always surrounded by people and never with the slightest chance of being alone as I even lived in a flat share, life was madness from dusk to dawn and in between as well. I may look a back on it all with great fondness, but it isn’t a lifestyle I would recommend, I was in my early 30’s when I first stepped back behind the decks, I had learnt to DJ when I was 15, little did I realise that that one night to help someone out, meant that I was going to be there for the next 7 years, but I did love it.
I remember quite clearly having several what I now know where flares over those years, all were difficult to handle as there is no sick pay when you are self-employed, miss a gig and let someone else fill in for you and you are in danger of losing the venue, they may just prefer your replacement. Luckily most gigs usually only last to 3 to 4 hours during the week, it was only the weekends that were often manic, most venues had door staff who were happy to help with my cases when I asked for their help. When things were bad, I just worked and slept, no record buying no promo work, just the minimum I could get away with. I would push myself through and do what I could as I had to keep an eye on my bank balance, but at least I could rest all day and sleep for as long as I wanted as during the day the flat was quiet with my flatmates out at work. I am sure right at this second there will be people out there in just the same position, maybe not DJ’s, but self-employed and unable to stop, even though they know that their health is demanding it. My doctor didn’t have anything to help me, just told me I should rest and that there was nothing he could find wrong, I varied from having a virus, to exhaustion and even depression, diagnosed as I was sat there in front of him in tears, too tired to even try and deal with them. When you don’t know what is wrong you invent things, I had no computer in those days and if I had, well the internet was in its infancy, unlike today I doubt I would have found anything there to help. I even turned up at A&E a couple of times as I was so desperate for help, but they were of no use either, they sort of patted me on my head and sent me home and back to my GP.
My heart goes out to anyone still caught in that circle, as I would say without hesitation those were my favourite years of my working life, only my health ever spoiled it. It is unfortunate that the thing that scares every good thing that my life brought me, I remember having that feeling that I wasn’t allowed to have anything good, or anything that made me happy. From the birth of my daughter on, it has been my MS that has always stamped all over my happiness, but I didn’t know what it was. I don’t find it at all surprising that so many people land up becoming depressed, just as I did years ago, you do begin to walk around with the feeling that life is against you, why else would these things keep happening. I know without a doubt that my life would have been totally different if that first time I went to see the doctor in 1982 and they had told me there and then, that I had MS. Then there is always the eternal problem if I had known, if I had had my diagnosis, would I have even landed up in Glasgow, would I had ever met Adam, who knows.
Please read my blog from 2 years ago today 10/07/12 – Self-determination
Two Rooms Plus Utilities 