Teressa called last night to let me know that she and John will be here at the beginning of August for a week. I guess we will be able to spend quite a bit of time together as unlike Christmas the rest of the family and friends in Scotland will be working. She always sounds so happy these days, not like when I would hear from her when she was married to her first husband, then she always sounded down and unfulfilled by her life in every way. I never actually met Travis, as they met in New Zealand, married in the US and stayed there, just like me she also stayed just where she was when her marriage ended and built her own life, a couple of years ago the chance arose for her to return to the UK and she grabbed it with both hands. Whatever it was she saw in Travis to start with, just didn’t make her as happy as she deserved, personally, I think they were just too different, he wasn’t interested in making anything of his life, were as Teressa has the type of brain that needs to be used. Our lives have had a real pattern of mirroring each other, just like me it has taken her to get divorced, go out there and fend for herself, sort out a career and then to meet a man who makes her happy.
I don’t get many things to look forward to, but it feels good to know she will be here soon, even though this was never and could never be her home, I still think of her visits as her coming home. Is that another of those oddities of life, that where ever you mother is, that is your home? I never lived in any of the last 4 homes my mother has had, but I know I have always seen them as my home, maybe home can be other places than where you live or have lived. Maybe it can also be the one place where no matter the problems of life, the state of your relationship, or the lack of space if the worst happened, you know you could at least sleep on the floor without being kicked out. Having said that, when I told my mother I was leaving my first husband and she suggested that I returned to stay with her, as I had nowhere else, in my mind I remember clearly thinking, that a cardboard box had more appeal than her solution. There are so many things in life that we just accept and expect without them ever being said, but I know without a doubt that the one constant, even though I never lived with her past my 13 birthday, is my mother. I know it is over 10 years since I last saw her and due to my health and her’s now, we will never see each other again, but that doesn’t change the fact she is my mother, I guess she taught me well to respect my parents whatever madness they brought into my life. As the mirroring continues, Teressa will always be my daughter, my little girl and although ridiculously tall, my midget as well.
I am tired again today, nothing seems to be getting better, on the good side nothing seems to have got worse either. It does though bring up my eternal question or “How long to you wait?” This time, it’s not about calling for help, or changing my meds, this time, is how long does it take for something to stop being a phase and to be counted as here to stay. There is so much of being ill that is uncertain, no lines written or drawn, that allow you to know exactly where you are, it’s all guess work, all waiting to see. I used to think that there would be a point when I would at least be able to answer that question if no other, but I have gone through what I thought was a change forever and come out the other side having to rewrite my superstition. I have also put down as a phase many things that have never left me alone again, just like my stupid diaphragm, it’s nearly two years now from the first time I felt it tighten up and it started to cause me pain, now that is no longer a phase as I can’t remember a single day where I have been left in peace by it. Last night I was lying in bed totally unable to move because of the pain, it was as though someone had managed to twist my diaphragm with a stick on my left side, pulling it tighter across me with each movement. I suppose it is instinct that tells you not to move, I might well have been able to if I tried, but the feeling was such that I feared moving I feared giving it the opportunity to get worse. That is actually one of the hardest things to get through my thick sskull quite often moving breaks the hold of both, or either the spam and pain. I know on the logical side that gently massaging and slowly making the muscles work, often reduces their grip or, at least the pain level. Yet still there is this instinct that says moving will make it worse, don’t move, don’t breath, stay as still as you can, that’s it, do nothing. Fighting nature is incredibly hard, you have to eventually otherwise you would die of sufficient if nothing else, but then you have to lie still again to sleep and the circle starts all over again.
I don’t know what woke me this morning, I was a little ahead of the alarm clock, in fact I think it was Adam as he was in the kitchen when I got up, but when I woke for on magical second, before my leg fell off the side of the bed, I was almost pain free. I like waking ahead of the alarm, as I then have the chance to wake slowly, to allow my body and brain to connect before I am forced into moving faster than I should. Just as when I go to bed, getting that few seconds to slowly stretch to the point where my body shudders from the muscle tension, is pure joy. I don’t know what makes it so special, probably because I use them so little now that that moment of full stretch, well it reminds them what they are for. It is not only because I am sat all day, it is hard to find ways of using my muscles without fatiguing them. Trying anything fancy when standing is like doing a handstand on a cliff edge, dangerous beyond belief, the safest and the only place I can really gently exercise is when lying down. Even then though I have to keep all of my body in contact with the bed, as lifting any part and trying to support its weight, is a no-no. I can’t lie there all day long just stretching, but it is one of my high points in every day, so no alarm clock and getting a second shot at it, well it’s always welcome.
My day has started well, Teressa’s call has really lifted my sprites, the rest of it, well the rest is just a day, what it holds, who know, but I have a good feeling about today, a feeling that maybe, just maybe I might make it to the end without too much going wrong.
Please read my blog from 2 years ago today – 18/06/12 – What to say yes to?
The district nurse just left, it is really very strange having someone come to the house in the middle of my morning forcing a change in my routine. I know I will get used to all of this but you have to admit it really is the most bizarre situation, I haven’t actually had many visitors since I became housebound, Christmas, Adams birthday and that’s it. Now I suddenly will have a visitor 3 time…..